Now this is what you call Occupational Therapy!! Kids had a blast helping mommy fill in her "peg board" yesterday.
By the second week of therapy Patrick and I both felt comfortable enough with my progress for him to begin to sleep at home and get the kids back on a normal schedule. He also went back to work for half days. This was absolutely great news! It gave us hope that everything was going to be better very soon.
I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss him though. It gave me much more time to think. I struggled to sleep at times because of it. I knew he needed to be with our kids and that life couldn't just stop but it was hard to officially be alone.
It was also a blessing. I became much more confident with my abilities and self-sufficient. I didn't have him to wait on me hand and foot and I absolutely hated bothering the nurses with silly requests. So, it forced me to think, be organized, and work my hand and balance. Now, don't go crazy...I wasn't up running around my room! I never left my bed without help! But, I began to do little things like type on my iPad, use the remote, use my phone, and pick up little items like chapstick.
During this week we also found out that we were having another girl! Earlier that day one of the PT's did the pencil test on me. According to it, we were to have three girls and a boy. Needless to say, we got our hopes up. However, before Patrick and I decided to try for another little one we talked about how we would feel if we had another girl. We both decided that we would be happy and blessed. We just didn't want to have another kid just to try to have a boy. So, when we found out it was a girl we both just laughed and hugged. We weren't surprised at all. Honestly, we were just thrilled that everything was okay with her after everything that had happened to me.
That day we had my parents bring our girls to visit. We wanted to reveal the news to them. Linden was in her own world, Jaelyn listened for like two seconds, and Seeri balled her eyes out for 5 minutes! She wanted a brother. The only way we could get her to calm down was by telling her that she could help name her. She instantly picked Olivia (that is not a contender by the way!)
The girls were wired! It was one of those nights where they just wouldn't listen, they picked on each other, they were loud, etc. I could tell Patrick was at his wits end. He was basically a single working parent of three. Throw an incredibly sick wife on top of that and it is a recipe for a perfect storm of frustration. I felt helpless.
They left and I cried. For the first time I really hated my stroke. I was mad at God, I was frustrated, and I pitied myself. The previous weeks I had been in a, "This happened and I can't change it. Focus on getting better and you will." I was in this little rehabilitation box where all I was focused on was improvement and myself. I was surrounded by other people like me and therapists that were encouraging. I wasn't tempted or distracted by outside influences so I never really thought about what I couldn't do and how that would affect my everyday reality at home. Out of sight, out of mind.
In the middle of my tears my Chaplin walked in. This was the first time I had met her in two weeks. It is amazing that she entered my life in my darkest time since I had my stroke. We had a very nice and encouraging conversation and I was instantly put right back on track. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I decided to write. The post below was the very first post I had written on my own. I was crying so hard as I wrote it that I couldn't even see the screen! I had to stop and wipe my eyes and blow my nose every two minutes!
Facebook post from November 12, 2013
First things first, we had an ultrasound today that revealed that we are having a girl. Surprise! If I know anything about her it is that she has more heart and resilience than most will ever have. She is a fighter.
Our girls and my parents came to visit tonight. I love seeing the girls but I just feel so helpless and just like a shell of myself when they are here. It doesn't matter in that moment how much progress I have made. The simple fact of the matter is that I am nowhere close to where I want to or need to be. So after they left I just balled my eyes out.
In the middle of it all, my Chaplin walked in. I haven't seen her since I have been here, but tonight when I needed her the most, there she was like a direct gift from God. She let me cry and when I calmed she told me that I should not be ashamed because I was experiencing loss and I needed to let myself grieve. She explained to me that I was a boiling pot of potatoes and if I didn't start taking some of the potatoes out, I was going to boil over. She also asked me, "what kind of life are you going to live from here on out?"
Patrick has been reading a book and the other night he read me an excerpt of it. It was about a guy who had a heart attack and his experience with it. At the end he said, stop asking "Why God?" and start asking "What did you intend of me?" He then talks about what he liked about his heart attack. This story has resonated with me.
I am not sure at this point what His intentions were. All I know is that if He is testing me, I am up for the challenge. I can tell you though what I liked about my stroke. My stroke showed me how tough Patrick, our family, and I all are. My stroke taught me that love, faith, family, and friendship are all you need in life to be fulfilled. My stroke helped me understand that to accept help takes a great deal of humility. I have learned that life is truly precious.
I pray that you all will never need me like I have needed you. But, if you ever do I will be there in an instant. Until then, you can rest assured that I will do everything I can to pay your kindness forward and teach my girls how to do the same.
Do better. Be better.
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