My Personal Roller Coaster Ride

After all the bracelet posts and my time at Covenant winding down my mind was just spinning with millions of things I wanted to say.  There were many thank you's that were overdue.  It is very difficult to extend thank you's in a way that sufficiently describes or conveys how deeply you mean it.  Especially when I was saying them so frequently.

My parents were also struggling with my condition.  Although they never verbally expressed how they felt specifically, I have a pretty good idea of what they were feeling being a parent myself.  They asked every doctor we talked to if, "they gave this to me."  It didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that they were feeling blame and guilt.  They didn't want to be the reason why I was sick.  It hurt and scared them to see me, once so vibrant, active, and athletic, now so weak, fragile, and dependent.  They hurt because they thought I was hurting.  Finally, they wanted me better now.  I was like them in this notion.  The brain heals very slowly and it was hard to be patient.  They weren't with me all day everyday so they we not getting to see all my little improvements.  They just wanted my big ones, like my eyes, to happen and happen now.

So, when I sat down to write my post veered to more of a tribute to them.  I wanted to let them know that I owed my courage and my positivity to them.  I wanted them to know the strength I saw in them and I wanted them to see if for themselves through my words.    

Facebook post from November 19,2013

I have a whole lot of stuff in my head so I apologize if this post seems like it is from left field. Facebook gives me a word limit.

I have two things I absolutely have to say before I forget.
1. I have read every post, tag, message, email, card, and text. I can't respond for many reasons but wish that you could all see my smile, hear my "little giggle" (as Patrick Smith calls it), see my tears, or just feel the warmth in my heart as I read them. Today's outpouring with the bands has just been unreal. I have cried so many happy tears that I may look like I got in a bar fight tomorrow when I wake up. I think the big blues are going to be a bit swollen!

2. I greatly appreciate all of you that have sent me your own stories of struggle and triumph. You make me BELIEVE that it is possible for me to do this. If you could overcome, so can I.  You all may not be as self indulgent as me and post your experience all over Facebook, but I have no doubt that if you were me you would face your struggle head on and take off sprinting. You are all AMAZING people.

When I think about where my courage comes from, it always leads back to my parents. My dad is very quiet, gentle, and easy going. My mother is very independent, driven, and headstrong. I like to think that I am a mix of the both of them. The traits I got from them have created quite the perfect storm to help me deal with all of this.

My dad's favorite advice to me has always been, "just always be nice to people." During my teenage years, this would be his response to any problem I had and it would annoy me so much. Now that I am older I realize that is the best advice I have ever gotten. I have learned that his tone of voice as he said it was really telling me what is was saying. It would either mean, " stop being a B****", "does this really matter?", or "there is more in this life than just you." I always tried my best to be nice to people, but to honor my dad and the kindness you have all shown me, I promise to really take that to the next level the rest of my days. Do better. Be better.

I am not sure where I would be in this journey without my mothers traits. She has unknowingly shown me how to jump over the hurdles, sprint ahead, and win the race. Our family likes to tease us for our stubborn ways, but if I did not have that I stubborn streak in me, I would not be where I am at physically or mentally 3 1/2 weeks later. She has taught me that being a parent means showing my daughters how to live rather than telling them how to live. I hope I am showing my girls the way.

I have had a few people ask why I share on here. After all, normal people would just keep a private journal. I honestly have no idea. The first post initially started as a general thank you and turned in to stuff just coming out of me and telling my brother to just hit post. The second post was a result of people asking for updates. The reaction I got from those two posts changed the game. I began to need your words of encouragement. It was like fuel for me to keep going and motivation for the day to do something that Patrick could post as an improvement. You all will never understand how important you are to me in this journey. You may not feel like it, but from my perspective my recovery has been a team effort.

I am the type of person that loves to fly under the radar. Being the center of attention gives me all sorts of anxiety. It makes me laugh that God would put me in the one position I hate the most but I guess I am going to have to hold on tight and go along on this crazy ride he has planned for me.

The last few weeks can best be described as a roller coaster for me. I started this ride doubtful and only willing to get on because my family was telling me I could. Like on a roller coaster, I went up the first hill and thought, "what did I get myself in to?" Then I went down the hill, around the first few turns, and realized I was scared as hell. Eventually you realize that your actually having fun and you're making it through. Finally, you get to the end totally wind blown and dizzy but filled with adrenaline and a sense of pride that you did it prompting you to love it and want to do it again. I am currently in between the scared as hell and maybe this is ok part of the ride. I definitely will not ever want to do this again, but this special roller coaster has shown me how to love life. I may like it a little more than I am willing to admit.