First Annual "Do Better. Be Better." Golf Benefit

Over the course of the last eleven months I have had many moments, days even, where I walk away from it feeling fulfilled, loved, joyous....BLESSED.  After everything that I have been through it would be easy to assume that I would have more days that are filled with worry and despair.  Not even close.  Why?

I have one hell of an AMAZING army.

Everywhere I turn there are people offering me warm smiles and hugs, thoughts and prayers, and wearing the support shirts and bands.  These things, although small, are HUGE driving forces in my recovery.  So, imagine what the big honors do?!?!  Like, say, a golf benefit thrown for my family and I by my graduating class.  Gestures like these literally lift me up.  They even nearly make me forget what happened and make it easier for me to dream about a future that is stroke and surgery free.  That feeling alone is a tremendous gift.

The first annual "Do Better.  Be Better." golf benefit was Saturday, September 20.  I was a nervous wreck leading up to the benefit for many reasons.  As I have mentioned, I hate being the center of attention period.  Add to that being in the forefront around people I haven't seen in a long time or who haven't seen me since my stroke and my stomach was all sorts of twisted.  Then there is always that feeling of self consciousness about the way I look and function.  I really wish I didn't care, but I do.  I know that people assess me when they see me and that is not their fault.  It is a totally natural and expected thing to do.  I just wish I didn't do it to myself.  My biggest source of worry though.....

Did I really deserve something like this?  Am I worthy of it?  How can I accept something like this from people who I have allowed myself to lose touch with?  I am so disappointed in myself for that.

Don't get me wrong.  I am damn proud of how far I have come and I have worked very hard to ensure that my stroke does not define me.  But I really struggle sometimes with every honor, award, and compliment I receive.  Why?

Because I honestly believe that many of you would respond exactly the same way that I have.  You may not have chosen to share as openly as I have to everyone, but I guarantee you would have to those closest to you.  Is what I have done really that special?  I am not so sure.

What I am sure of is how completely humbling the last eleven months have been.  Saturday was no exception.

I walked in to Wapsie Ridge Golf Course not really knowing what to expect.  I was blown away.  I was greeted by many of my classmates who were hard at work organizing the upcoming day.  I had no idea that they were all behind it, which immediately made me feel awful because I had not publicly given them the credit they deserved.  It was evident as I looked around the clubhouse that they had put so much effort and thought in to the event.

They had silent auction items, "Do Better.  Be Better." Bondibands, coasters, and t-shirts, door prizes for each hole and the winners, 50/50 raffle tickets, donation boxes, the "Do Better.  Be Better." color run registration forms, the social hour and dinner.....the list goes on and on.  I instantly realized how much behind the scenes planning and meeting they must of all had to do and I was in awe of them.  I remember them as kids--playing on the playground, goofing around at school--now they are planning full blown benefits??  What?!?!  Not only was I an awe, but I was down right proud of them.  They literally killed it folks.  The day was flawless, minus the little rain shower  ;-)

I spent the day catching up with many of my childhood friends.  I also cruised the course and chatted with everyone as they golfed.  Sixteen teams, consisting of many of our closet friends and loved ones, were in attendance.  It ended up being great weather.  I couldn't have asked for anything more.

After the tournament, awards were given and dinner was served.  Our remaining family members and more of our closet friends arrived.  I was deeply touched that they would all come to support Patrick and I.  Every time a new person would walk in my heart would fill more and more.

Before the auction ended, Patrick and I spoke.  I basically give speeches everyday, all day at work; you would think it wouldn't phase me in the slightest.  But, wow, I get so, so nervous.  I was terrified of breaking out in an ugly cry and flushing from head to toe.  I should cry; it has been an emotional eleven months and this benefit was a extraordinary honor.  I made it roughly a minute before I had to gather myself.  I pulled myself together and made it through.  An interesting thing happens when I talk about my stroke.  Its almost like my mind just flips a switch; like it separates itself from my heart.  I am sure that talking and writing about it as much as I do has helped.  Poor Patrick, though; I never flip the switch around him.  He sees the flat out ugly cry a lot!  Regardless, it is my hope that everyone in attendance understood how deeply honored, humbled, and loved I felt.

When I reflect back on those first two days in the ICU, I distinctly remember feeling blessed even though I was experiencing something horrible.  I tried my best to communicate that in the first paragraph of my very first Facebook post after my stroke.

I wanted to say thank you to all my family and friends. Your generosity and kindness has overwhelmed me. I have been praying that God saves a special place for all of you in His kingdom. You have motivated me to do better and be better. I am starting today. I love you all. I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

I was overwhelmed by everyone's generosity, kindness, support, and willingness to help.  I was inspired by it all.  I clearly recall thinking to myself, "I have been given a second chance at life.  I need to do better and be better this time around.  I need to be more like all of these people."  Needless to say I find it ironic that I am praised for everything I have done and how I have handled my stroke when my army is the reason why I have done it the way I have.  People like you, people like my classmates; my childhood friends, deserve ALL of the credit.

Dunkerton Class of 1999 (well, 11 out of the 42 of us!)

So, to sign off, I want to express a heartfelt thank you to the Dunkerton Class of 1999, namely April, Riann, Katie, Shane, Bryan, and Clint.  They all helped orchestrate the event that day and I appreciate it greatly.  And especially, Kelli, who took the ideas of Shane and Bryan and ran with it.  Not only for just this event, but also for the work you are doing for the color run and scholarship.  You are simply amazing.  To the rest of my classmates: I know that many of you were unable to make it, but were there in spirit and sent me messages.  I also know many of you helped give ideas, donated items, or sent your parents on your behalf to support me.  Thank you.

You are all amazing people and I have been blessed to grow up with all of you.

Thank you also to everyone who attended the event, donated auction items, and to Wapsie Ridge Golf Course for hosting all of us.


Register here if you are interested in running in the "Do Better.  Be Better." color run 5k!

Kelli and Riann modeling the 'Do Better.  Be Better.' Bondibands.

Photo op with Ron Steele, friends, and family.

Golf selfie with some of the Smith clan.

CFHS Tiger Hi-Line Artcile Update

The school newspaper, Tiger Hi-Line, wrote an article about my return to school.  Please click on the link below to read it.

Do Better. Be Better. PE teacher affirms her mantra as she returns from stroke

11 Month Anniversary

Eleven months post stroke.  Where has that time gone?  I re-read last months update and to be honest, there isn't much more to report. 

I am staying constant on the physical side of things.  I still have double vision and stiffness in my left hand and foot.  My left leg is a bit mechanical and heavy and my eyes look pretty close to normal.  At this point, I feel like the deficits I have are probably permanent.  I am lucky that none of them affect my daily living or functioning.  I have to be careful and am unable to do some things.  But, I can live without everything I can't do.

Work has been very busy and a bit stressful which worries me at times.  I believe that stress was a major factor contributing to my stroke in October so I fear that I am making myself more susceptible to another one.  I like working and staying busy.  The problem is I get caught up in everything I used to do; how much I used to juggle and I just can't do that anymore without feeling my stroke symptoms flare up or getting a massive cold and fever.  It has gotten much better since the beginning of the school year too.  It also helps that our building has cooled off a little bit.

Other than that, I am at about 95% functioning.  I would love to run the "Do Better.  Be Better." color run 5k but I am not sure if I could.  I know I could handle the cardiovascular aspect but I am unsure of how my leg would feel ten minutes in.  I complete hour workouts at NLXF, but everything we do is short bursts of energy for three minutes or less.  Endurance running is a little bit different beast.

I continue to pray everyday for my health.  I wish so badly to remain stroke and surgery free.  I am truly grateful for every month I get to write one of these updates.

Cheers to 11 months beating my stroke!

Jamie Smith's "Do Better. Be Better." Foundation

I have mentioned many times how my first Facebook post came to be, why I proceeded to post to Facebook, and how all of that eventually led to creating my blog.  There have been many times when I have wondered if I was being too honest or feared whether I was being too self indulgent by assuming people would even be interested in my story.  In the end though, I selfishly continue to write because it is an amazing form of therapy for me.  More importantly, I want to chronicle this time of life so our girls can read it when they get older.

Could I write without sharing it with others?  Absolutely.  I have contemplated doing that many times.  But if I did that I would have never met Sara, Greg, or Jonathan, whom I had an email from this morning.  He is 25, has what I do, and just suffered from his first bleed.  So now my writing has become just a little bit more than expressing my feelings.

I have always said that I want my stroke, as terrible as it was, to be something positive and something that I learn from.  Over the last two weeks I have been given the opportunity to really run with that idea.

I have to be very clear in stating that what I am about to write was NOT my idea AT ALL, but rather of some very special people that make up my army.  ALL of the credit goes to Kelli Snyder (my childhood friend), Dunkerton's graduating class of 1999, Justin Urbanek (principal of Dunkerton), the leadership/student governments at Dunkerton High School and Cedar Falls High School, and Erin Gardner (friend and co-worker).  I am sure there are many, many more people that have helped that I am not aware of.  I want to extend my gratitude to them too if they are reading.

At the end of July I found out that my graduating class was hosting a golf outing for my family and I.  This outing is on Saturday, September 20.  There will be a golf tournament, social hour, and supper.  I wrote in an earlier post how absolutely blown away by this I was.  I honestly still haven't been able to wrap my head around it.

Two weeks ago I was informed by Patrick that he had received a phone call from Justin stating that the benefit had grown in to something much bigger.  Dunkerton schools was planning to host a 5k color run and school carnival in effort to raise funds to create a scholarship to be given to a graduating senior every year.  The run and scholarship would all be named after my motto, "Do Better.  Be Better."

What??  I asked Patrick three times if he was kidding.  When I finally realized that he wasn't joking, I put my hand over my mouth and just cried.  I was so overwhelmed.  I had to be dreaming.  I had to be.  I was absolutely blown away by their generosity.  I was incredibly humbled by this huge honor.  And, to be honest, I was a bit ashamed.  After everything that everyone has done for us, I should have been the one to take the initiative to create something like this; to give back.  I just didn't have it in me though.  There are still some days where I feel like I am only keeping my head just above the water.

Two days later Patrick surprised me yet again.  He told me that he had talked to Justin again and now Cedar Falls High School was also going to give out a  "Do Better.  Be Better." scholarship every year.  The two schools were going to collaborate and take turns hosting the run and carnival each year.  I started bawling before Patrick even finished telling me.  My heart felt like it was bursting.  I for sure had to be dreaming now.

How did I get here?  How has my life gotten to this point?  It is unbelievable.

Last week we met with Kelli and Justin.  They showed us the flyer and registration form for the color run that had been completed so far and discussed the details.  Knowing that I hate being the center of attention, they also wanted to make sure that this was something I wanted to do.  They did not want to force it on me.  How could I say no to this?  First of all, it is an amazing honor, but it is also exactly what I wanted my stroke to become; something good, rather than devasting.  I LOVE the idea that a graduating senior from each school will be recognized by a scholarship for exhibiting the characteristics that the "Do Better.  Be Better." motto stands for.  I am thrilled that kids from two different districts are collaborating for a great purpose.  And a color run is right up my alley!

Since the meeting Patrick and I have decided to create, Jamie Smith's "Do Better.  Be Better." Foundation.  This is still in the beginning stages because forming a foundation is a teensy bit intense. The other night we were sitting in bed researching what we would need to do when we both just stopped, looked at each other, and said, "Can you believe we are doing this?"  All I did was have a stroke, choose to fight, and honestly write about my feelings.  There are other people in our community like Ed Thomas and Taylor Morris, whom I both consider to be heroes, that have and deserve events and accolades like these.  I do not feel like I am even close to the same level as them.

To say my life has changed in the last 10 months is a massive understatement.  I feel like I am living in an alternate universe most of the time.  I can't believe I had a stroke when I was pregnant, that I delivered Myah full-term and healthy, that I have a blog, and that my story has impacted so many people.  It literally blows my mind.  I can't even fully explain it.

I am very excited about traveling down this new road though.  Thanks to my army my stroke will be remembered in a positive light.  I will forever be indebted to them for that.  I truly believe that these events are just the beginning of what the "Do Better.  Be Better." Foundation will do.

God is good.  He continues to remind me of how gracious He is.  He speaks the loudest through the people He has put in my life.  If I have learned anything over the last ten months it is that the people in your life are the only things that are constant.  Treat them like they are treasures; whether big or small, your actions will always be what inspire them to do better and be better.