So, I set off on my busy therapy schedule. That first week I only had one half an hour break the entire morning. It had already been decided that morning that I did not need help getting myself ready in the morning. I could do most of it myself and Patrick was an amazing help. Seriously, the nurses loved and admired him. He was always by my side helping, supporting, and encouraging me. All with a smile and all while telling them how much he appreciated them every chance he got. Who wouldn't love him?! I had many nurses tell me that I was an extremely lucky lady...I already knew that though.
My first session was PT and it went really well. I then had a half hour break before speech therapy started. Speech involved a lot of reading and looking at pictures. My eyes started to feel fatigued and I was starting to get a bit of a headache. After that, I went immediately to OT which was a vision test. We flipped through pages and pages and pages of multiple pictures with numerous lines and shapes. I had to determine which of the four was different, or if it was shifted which would match the original, etc. By this time, I had to stop and close my eyes a few times because they were tired. I was starting to get a headache and I was becoming mentally exhausted. It takes a lot of focus to try to set your crazy vision on one thing when you see five at a time! Next, I went directly to RT. We played dominoes. More dots and colors. Plus, now I had to try to steady my vision to pick something up. My head was literally spinning.
Keep in mind that up to this point I had refused to wear an eye patch. I also refused to close an eye to help myself. I wanted my eyes to work for themselves so they would get better faster. I would call using all of these options cheating. My OT would laugh and call them compensating.
Why didn't I quit when I started feeling it? Because I am not a quitter. Because if I couldn't make it the hour and a half, how was I going to make it the rest of my life? Because my family was depending on me. Because it was the anniversary of Patrick's mother's passing and it needed to be a good day. Because I knew practice made better.
Because my Dad was coming. Because my sister-in-law was bringing my daughter, Linden. Because I had to show them how I was improving. Because I had to be positive so they wouldn't be scared.
Why? Because I had to.
Facebook post from Patrick on November 1, 2013
About the best therapy you could ask for. Our baby got to visit mommy today after eight days away. Hoping all three of the girls can visit over the weekend.
Jamie continues to make strides in her OT, PT, and RT sessions. So happy I am able to be here and watch her progress. Thank you for your continued prayers they are greatly appreciated.
Right after this video we went to my room down the hall. Lunch was waiting for me. I had ordered macaroni and cheese and I was starving. I got in to my bed and by now I was trying to work very hard to push off the nausea. I took two bites and immediately started throwing up. My sister-in-law instantly took Linden out of the room. Everyone went in to that stage where you are panicking inside, but working really hard on the outside to be cool, calm, and collected. We were all panicking. My doctors told me that throwing up could mean a rebleed. Damn right we were panicking.
I was scared and I was mad. I felt better after I threw up. I actually finished the rest of my meal. But I was exhausted physically and mentally. I had nothing left to give my dad, sister-in-law, or my daughter. I was just done. My body had failed me and they had to leave so I could get my rest.
After they left I instantly fell asleep for three hours. I had to cancel all my therapy and when I woke up Patrick was sleeping. I just wept. I was so frustrated and scared and defeated. My Mom came for a short visit and I tried to hide my feelings but I am sure she could tell. Mom's can always tell. I ate supper and watched some TV and my mind just raced the entire time. Eventually I told Patrick that I needed to write. This has become our code for meaning, "I am feeling overwhelmed because of everything on my mind." It always helps me to write.
I will admit that I have bad moments, but I try to always turn those moments in to something positive. More importantly, something to learn from. The post below is what came out of me after I had time to process the afternoon.
Facebook post on November 1, 2013
I had a great morning, I showered by myself and had a great breakfast. PT was awesome because Patrick got to participate and it was fun to see him smile so much again. OT and RT were very challenging but I was happy with my performance. Then my lit Linden, my dad, and Ashley showed up and it completed my morning. I felt like myself. A physically diluted form, but me none the less.
Then I got sick. Really, really sick. I had to cancel my therapies for the rest of the afternoon. When my doctors reference my future, they always talk about my "new normal" and that ticks me off. I don't want a new normal because I was perfectly happy with my old normal. This afternoon, I wept. I needed to allow myself time for personal weakness and time to entirely surrender myself up to Him. I had to resign myself to the fact that I may have to have a new normal and it's gonna take some time for my stubborn pride to allow that to happen.
On September 1st 2001, I was standing outside of Joe's Knighthawk with my best friend Angie. I felt a tap on my shoulder and a sudden spark. When I turned around I saw a handsome young man in a San Diego Padres hat and a big old smile on his face. He said to me, "Your Jamie Garbes right?". I hesitantly replied, "yeah...." Because I was a little freaked out that he knew my name and I had no idea who he was. Then he said, "I'm Puddy". I immediately said, " Is that seriously your name." In hindsight I realized how rude that was of me and can't believe he still wanted to talk to me after that.
I used to think the spark I felt was the corny love at first sight. After my stroke I realize it was God pinching me and telling me that this was my guardian angel He sent directly for me and to not ever let him go.
After I got sick Patrick immediately leaped into action and rearranged my entire therapy schedule to deter it from happening again. You would think that having a stroke would be hard on a relationship, but it has made us stronger. We communicate more, we are more attentive to each other, and more affectionate towards one another. Part of the reason why I was bummed with my afternoon was because I wanted it to be a special day for him. It is the anniversary of his mothers passing and I just wanted there to be some good for him on this day. It was the least I could do for him because of all he has done for me.
So where am I going with this? God doesn't do anything by accident. He tests you and he rewards you and he blesses you. Most importantly He puts very special people in your lives without ever really knowing the reason why. Allow yourself to love and allow yourself to be loved. Respect yourself and respect the one you are with, to be attentive and affectionate to one another and not ever let them go.
You all message me and tell me how inspirational I am. But I am just the girl who is scared and doing her best to score as many points on the hands of cards she has been dealt. My family and all of you have been taking care of my children, taking them trick or treating, and delivering food, you all are the reason I wake up every morning inspired and motivated to slay the day. God is truly working through all of you. THANK YOU!!!
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