CFHS Basketball Fundraiser

On December 10, 2013 CFHS was sponsoring a "Red Out" game versus another local high school in support of stroke awareness.  My students were sponsoring this event in support of me.  Below is the promotion video they made and the article that was in the local newspaper.

Facebook post from December 2, 2013

My students at CFHS made this promo for stroke and heart health awareness. I am extremely honored that they are doing this to support my journey. I am so proud of my students for showing everyone that you can do better and be better no matter how old you are.

Facebook post from Erin Gardner on December 6, 2013 

Show your support... join us Tuesday for CFHS RED OUT in honor of Mrs. Jamie Smith

Red Out Basketball Fundraiser

I had received the staff red out picture earlier in the day stating that their were so many people that wore red but couldn't make the time they set for the picture.  The staff had chosen that day to pay $5 to wear jeans, with the proceeds going to our family.  Once again, I was overwhelmed.  I just honestly always felt so undeserving whenever someone did something like this for us  Like always, I cried when I saw it.

   

I was terribly anxious to attend the basketball game for many reasons.  I was embarrassed of the way I looked.  Surprise, surprise.  I was scared it was going to be too much stimulation for me and was scared that it would set me back recovery wise if I pushed myself too hard.  After all it was a basketball game versus a local rival.  It was going to be loud.  Plus, I knew I would have a lot of people coming up to say hi.  I was nervous about what they would think, if I would make them uncomfortable, and figuring out what to say to all of them when I had completely changed as a person.  I didn't want to be recognized on a large scale in any way.  I hate being the center of attention.  Most of all though, I was going to be in the exact place where I finally realized that my symptoms were serious.  I was running out of reasons to justify why they were happening by that point.  I realized I was very sick in that exact gym.

My friend sat by me the entire time.  We joked that she was my bodyguard.  She helped me navigate the bleachers and the turns and helped mediate my conversations.  She was a Godsend.  The night was made so much easier because of her and I will never be able to repay her for it.

As you will gather from my post below, the night ended up being a huge success.  I am so happy that I gathered up enough courage at the last second to go.    

Facebook post from December 11, 2013

Last night was the basketball game in which CFHS raised money for the American Heart Association in my name. I was nervous to go to the point of becoming physically sick. My co-worker had sent me a picture of the CFHS staff in red shirts that day at school as a token of support for me. I just sobbed when I saw it because I was so overwhelmed with gratitude. At that point I thought, "How am I going to see everyone when I can't even look at a picture without ugly crying?" Yes, I was nervous about the crowd, the noise, how I looked, etc. But what I was most scared of was sitting 10 ft. away from the equipment closet where I broke down because I finally realized that there was something seriously wrong. I did not know how I would react walking in to the building with the memory of October 25 still so vivid in my mind.

But, I walked in to the gym and instantly felt happiness and normalcy. It was nice to be out and about doing things I always have, talking with my family, co-workers and students, and seeing everyone in red shirts. It was incredible to see so many people committed and willing to Do Better. Be Better. Needless to say, I will think of Dec. 10 instead of Oct. 25 when I walk in to the gym now. I cannot even express in words how grateful I am for that.

Later that night Linden was struggling to sleep so I sat in the nursery with her for awhile. My mind usually races during the quiet times. Last night was different though.

I found myself thinking about a woman that I met at our last OB appointment. She shared the story of her husband's passing the month prior. Her husband got sick out of the blue, went to the hospital that morning, and by that night God had chosen to take him as one of his angels. I was so preoccupied with praying that Pajamie (my sis-in-laws nickname for baby #4) was still looking healthy that I heard her, but didn't really hear her. As I thought about her and her family last night I realized that could have very easily been Patrick Smith telling virtually that same story to a complete stranger about me. Things were instantly put in to perspective.

So, I had a come to Jesus meeting with my fears. We decided that I am allowed my moments of weakness, but I cannot let my fears completely dominate me any longer. There is a difference between letting it out and dwelling on it. Letting it out is healthy and dwelling on it is unproductive. I have a lot to get better for, I have much left to do in my life, and I will be dammed if I am going to let a little brain bleed stop me from living the life that I see for myself when I close my eyes and dream. I have so much more strength in me. I haven't even begun to start showing it yet.