NLXF Potluck #2--The People Of This Program Have Stole My Heart

Angelo Greer, Session 13 winner, and I.

The "Do Better.  Be Better." award.  Logo courtesy of Sara Fitzgerald.

Last night was the Session 13 Potluck.  Patrick and I had a plaque made for the winner of the "Do Better.  Be Better." award.  We had to of course use the bright red plate; the color that represents stroke awareness and prevention. We also had a plaque made for the gym that will honor all of the session winners.  We used the graphics that Sara Fitzgerald produced for my blog and I think they turned out great!

Ran Downs, owner of Next Level Extreme Fitness, and I.

Session history plaque for the gym.  Logo courtesy of Sara Fitzgerald.

I debated attending the potluck.  We were 10 days away from having Pajamie, but that wasn't the reason.  I knew that I would present the award and I wanted to say a few words to thank everyone after.  The problem--I hate being the center of attention and speaking in front of people gives me massive anxiety.  I also didn't want people to get sick of us---seriously, them again??  But if I am being completely honest, those excuses weren't the reason why I was really scared.

I am open about my stroke and how I feel but that doesn't mean that it ever gets easier.  Or really that it ever sinks in that it happened or that it is a real possibility it could happen again because of the CM that is hanging out in my brain stem.  Fact of the matter is, I feel like I am in an alternate universe all the time.  I have changed but nothing around me has.  I feel like one of these days I am somehow going to find the secret passageway and be transported back to the universe I came from and all of this is just going to be apart of another life that the other Jamie lived.  Except I know that only happens in the movies.  It is just so weird to say, "I had a stroke.  I am 38 weeks pregnant.  It could happen again.  But, I am doing well!"  People try to understand and want to understand, but they just can't.  That isn't their fault.  The vulnerability that comes with dealing with the daily battle of acceptance is what makes it hard to speak about it.

But I knew that I would forever regret it if I didn't go and didn't speak.  So, I did.  Ryan explained our story and said unbelievably kind things about us that touched my heart.   He then handed the mic to me and I said hello and how great it was to see everyone and be there.  But as soon as I said it my mind instantly went through a flashback reel of everything I had been through the last five months.  The week of uncertainty, the ER, the ICU, all the doctors appointments, the high's and the low's.  In those 15 seconds my mind just raced and I about broke down crying.  I didn't know in that moment if I was going to be able to speak.  I really was so, so happy to be there.  It meant in a way that I had beat my stroke.  My thoughts frazzled me for a moment until I was able to tell myself to just take my mind to another place.  Amazingly, I slowly recovered and made it through without crying.

I am so glad I went and so glad I spoke. It was great to overcome my fear and it was even better to see everyone.  I really enjoyed meeting many new people and to hear that my story was inspiring to them was such a pick me up.  I left the potluck feeling blissfully happy.  Like I said when I spoke, because of everything that the people of this program have done for me, I don't feel sick.  I feel loved, blessed, and lucky.  I made memories I will hold dear to my heart forever.

There were some technical difficulties with the video of my speech.  I have included what I can remember that I said below though.  Obviously, there was a bit of ad lib and such, but this is the bulk of it.

After my stroke I started to write and there are three things that I write a lot about.

Life is all about choices. The night I had my stroke I had to make a choice. I could let my stroke win or I could fight with all that I have. I chose to fight with all that I have. I wake up every morning and choose to fight. Some days it is harder to do than others, but I still make that choice. It is just like when you are in a week 10 gauntlet, 45 minutes in, with no drink break, and Downs has you do 50 narrow wides! First of all, you all know those are a planned part of the workout right? I mean we could all be doing high knee sprints during combo breaks and he would still say that someone wasn't moving their feet. Am I right? Anyways, at that moment you have a choice: you can say are you kidding me? or say bring it on! I choose to say bring it on everyday.

Attitude is everything. What happened to me really sucked. But, I can't change anything about. I can control how I react to it thought. I want my stroke to be a positive experience. I want to learn from it and become better. It is just like a ten week session at next level. It is so hard and you just feel like you are failing over and over again. But your not. Because no matter if you can or can't do something you are still better than you were five minutes ago. That is how I look at my stroke; I want to be better than I was five minutes ago. I am only going to get there if I remain positive.

Finally, God doesn't do anything by accident. The night of my stroke I was terrified of losing my mental functioning. I just kept thinking about all the important stuff in my life over and over and over again. Then, all of a sudden, I though, "holy shit what if I can never do next level again?"  I realize it is a totally irrational thing to when your brain is bleeding, but I was in a massive panic about this! Yes, I love the intensity of the workouts, the atmosphere, and the feeling of empowerment you feel when you walk out of that room. But what I love the most is the people. I firmly believe that God led Patrick to this program nearly two years ago so that our lives knowing full well you would be our greatest lifeline the last five months. The adopt a family, this award, the meal train, helping with the kids, the bracelets, the t-shirts, the countless messages; I will just never be able to say thank you enough. I don't feel sick.  I feel loved, blessed, and lucky.  I would not be where I am at today if it wasn't for all of you and that is something I am not sure how I will repay.  But I am sure going to try.

So with all of that being said, Ryan can you come up here. Patrick and I had this made for the gym to honor all future session winners of this award.  A huge thank you to Sara Fitzgerald for designing all the artwork on the plaques. There are 36 plates on it, which means 8 1/2 years of winners so I hope you are in it for the long haul!  I pray everyday for you and your trainers and for the continued success of next level. Thank you so much for what you have done for us. 

And with that, you know I gotta say it right? Do Better. Be Better.

What was captured of the speech!