Five Month Anniversary

I have to show this video taken on November 5, 2013 before I start with my five month update.  I found it by accident as I was deleting the millions of selfies my daughters took on the iPad.  I had no idea it existed.  This was eleven days after my stroke.  I had received my eye patch on November 1 but tried as much as possible to refrain from using it if I was doing a task that could be performed without it.  Pay close attention to my right eye as I get close to the camera.  You will notice that it doesn't blink when my left eye does.  My eye was not receiving signals from my brain and I had NO idea it wasn't blinking until I watched this.  I do not turn my head or look down as I walked.  Too much movement made me nauseous and my vision (it was like looking through a kaleidoscope) messed with my depth perception so looking around, especially down, was quite the trip.  My left hip dipped to the side and my left ankle rolled outward as I walked.  The movements with my left leg are also mechanical and unnatural.  All of this was due to my lack of sensation and sensory input that my brain was receiving.  Finally, I was slow.  My left side felt so heavy that turning around a cone made me feel like I was just going to tip over.

I cried when I watched this.  I knew I was in very bad shape.  But I had not seen a video that exposed all of my physical limitations, with the exception of my left hand fine motor function, this well and simultaneously.  I am sure if I saw a video of my eyes tracking or my left hand trying to complete the nine-hole peg test I would be even more emotional.  I understand why I could see worry on peoples faces as they visited.  I was physically broken.  If I were on the other side, I would have been worried and heartbroken for this person too.   It is crazy to think of how much I have overcome in such a short amount of time.

Enough with the past....lets move on to the present!  I am going to organize this post into body parts for ease of reading like I did my three month anniversary post.

Memory/Cognitive Functioning: Was never affected by my stroke and still remains in tact.  Thank goodness!  I do not ever want to stop being "me."

Head/Neck/Left Ear:  Movement and functioning are all completely normal and 100% functioning.  I have not had dizziness since week one of recovery and with the exception of the day I ended up in the ER, I have never had headaches.  Even the one I had was slight.  I would actually describe it as feeling pressure in my head rather than an ache.

Right Eye:  I have moved down to a 20 (started at 30, then 25) in prism strength to correct my double vision.  I see so much clearer because there are not as many grooves in the stick on prism as were in the other strengths.  I can still see them at times, but my vision is much improved.  We go back to the neuroopthamologist on May 19.  I pray everyday that I will be able to wear contacts by June 1 because I hate wearing glasses in the summer heat.  BUT, if the worst I have to deal with is glasses, then I will take it!  My right eye is still not mid-line but it is only slightly closer to my nose.  You would have to really look at me to notice it.  My right eye, from what everyone tells me, blinks normally and tracks pretty dang close to normal.  Without my glasses, I still see double.  However, there are times when I am not sure if I am seeing double or just blurry.  If I look at something, the double image is to the left of it.  That double image is right next to it and I only see the outer left edge of it.  The image fades in clarity and leaves a few inches of space between itself and the actual image.

The full circle is the actual image.  The half moon is the double image.  I only see the outer left edge of that image.  The double image fades in clarity as it nears the actual image.  I couldn't figure out how to do this on my computer but imagine that half moon getting lighter in color as it nears the circle until eventually there is about an inch to two inches of space between the two images.

I can see up to about two feet in every direction singularly.  If I focus extremely hard on something I can usually get it to go to a singular image.  However, it takes A LOT of focus.  My neuroopthamologist says I can do this because 1) I am retraining my eyes and brain to communicate.  2) My right eye is my dominant eye and it really wants to remain dominant.

Left Arm/Left Leg: Both my arm and leg function at about 95% and feel about 90%.  I would not be able to run, jump, or lift weights.  BUT, I can do everything else at pretty close to the same speed I always used to and I walk completely normal.  My movements are much more natural and fluid and my strength is probably at 90%.  When I flex my quads, my left feels pretty close to my right.  My balance is probably at 95%.  My growing belly contributes that that a bit!  I never worry about falling.  Both my left arm and leg still feel stiff, especially my toes and fingers.  When I get fatigued they become more stiff.  Or if Patrick gives me a back, neck, or foot massage they feel more stiff.  Picture your extremities having dried wax on them or arthritis without the pain and I think you would be able to relate to what I feel. People would no longer be able to notice the deficiencies on my left side, but I can feel them.  My sensation in my leg and arm is probably at 95%.  I can tell now when I am on my toes or heals and I can feel how much pressure I have on my elbow, wrist, hip, knee, and ankle.

Left Hand: My fine motor function is at about 90%.  There is nothing I can't do, it just may take me a bit longer and require a little more focus.  My hand and fingers are moving much more naturally.  I sometimes just need to remind them to curl rather than stay straight.  They respond correctly when I remind them, but I never used to need to remind them!  I can type at about 80% of what I used to.  It is difficult because my pinky finger and ring finger still are a little disobedient and like to work as one a lot.  I do not think my sensation has improved much in the last two months.  It still feel things like you would if you were wearing thin gloves.  I can feel my wedding ring on my ring finger a bit more but still not enough to trust knowing if it would ever fall off.  So it stays on my right hand!

Stamina: My stamina is great!  Any tiredness and discomfort I feel is from my pregnancy and the daily changes my body experiences.  I did go on a walk with the girls last week.  I was wearing winter boots, pushing Linden in the stroller, and walking a few hills.  We went about a mile.  I took it very slow and could definitely feel the fatigue in my left side.  Everything just becomes much more stiff when I tire.  On the positive side, my heartbeat remained low and I never became short of breath, lightheaded, or dizzy.

So how do I feel?

GREAT!  My eye is the only thing that makes me feel sick or disabled.  I think it bothers me still because it's the only deficit I have that others can notice.  When I am around those that know my story I am not bothered by my eye.  But when I am around complete strangers I feel like they are trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  I understand that I could be crazy thinking this, but I can't shake the feeling.  It makes me want to start every conversation with, "I had a stroke in October."  just to get the awkward tension out of the way.

Other than that I feel strong and healthy.  I am so unbelievably happy and feel enormously blessed because of the AMAZING people I have in my life.  Yes, there are moments when I am overcome by fear of the what if's, but 99% of the time I am just trying to do my best to enjoy my second chance at life that I have been lucky enough to receive.  

And then there is Pajamie.  In 14 days she will bless our family with her arrival.  Other than obviously having a stroke, this pregnancy resembles my other three.  Same symptoms, same weight gain, everything.  She has been insanely easy on me considering I have been absolutely awful to her!  I am so ready for the moment when I hear her first cry, when she is placed on my chest, and I can kiss the soft skin of her forehead.  I don't think I am ever going to want to stop holding her.  I am just so ready for the feeling of overwhelming joy.  I have never been more excited or more ready to meet one of our children.

The last two months I have not experienced the major improvements that others would notice like I did the first three months.  But I consider becoming more "natural" in my movements a major accomplishment.  It means my body and my brain are starting to coexist again and there is nothing better than that.  Most importantly, I am slowly transitioning into accepting Jamie 2.0.  I am beginning to find peace with what has happened to me and learning to regard it as a blessing rather than a curse.  This mental and emotional shift has sky rocketed my improvement.

Cheers to five months post stroke!