The Impact Life-Altering Moments Can Have

By this point I was receiving many personal messages and cards with that were filled with comments and sentiments that literally floored me.  I was writing to help myself recover.  I had no idea the impact my story, and the honesty that I chose to write with, was having on others.  Every time I read one of these notes, I would be an awe of the kindness that came from them.  To even think that people appreciated what I wrote was mind boggling to begin with.  To hear that I was helping them be better was incredibly touching.  I would be so humbled and grateful to them when they would share their personal stories with me or how I had specifically inspired them.  It was like I was living a different life.  I couldn't believe that they were talking about me.  I was just a girl trying my best to get through this really shitty thing that had happened to me.

These messages were so meaningful to me that I began to keep a journal of all of them  After I had my Iowa City appointment, one of my friends told me to go back and read all my posts to remember my fight and my strength.  I took her advice but I found myself reading all of your messages rather than mine.  You have all helped me through my darkest times.  My positivity and my outlook is a direct result of your support and encouragement.

The message below is from my friend and NLXF trainer, Allison Mitchell.  She posted this on her wall the night we finally got to have a much overdue visit.  I was just telling her my story that day and catching her up.  I had no idea that this is what she took away from it.  These are the types of messages I am talking about.  The kind that melt your heart and leave you incredibly humbled.

Facebook post from Allison Mitchell on January 7, 2014

After looking back and reflecting on one of the greatest days I've had in a long time, I want to share a couple things I think everyone should understand about this crazy roller coaster called life. I spent the day with a woman that has not only encouraged me since the day we became friends, but someone who has truly shown me what it means to be genuinely happy. Beyond being a great friend, she is an amazing role model, an educator, a cheerleader, a leader, and a life giver. For the better part of 4 1/2 hours, we talked about the struggles, the battles, the gains and the strides forward that she has made in the past two months. After taking it all in, there were many life lessons I was taught today and all the credit goes to Jamie Smith. There were 3 things that really stuck out to me:

1: "If you don't dream big, you will never achieve big." Sounds pretty easy to understand, but if it's so easy, then why doesn't everyone dream big? I'll be the first to say that fear stands between a person's dreams and goals. I see this everyday and I'm also guilty of it. The way you have to view life is you may only get one shot at it, so dream big because the moment you achieve big, everything leading up to that point WILL be worth it. Don't live in fear, you'll miss some of the greatest opportunities life throws your way.

2: "If you can't beat something with your skills, you better make sure you beat it with your attitude." Self explanatory: Attitude is everything. The way you view something, positive or negative, has a direct relationship with the effort you put forth and the success you achieve. The more positive you can be, the happier you will be.

3: The most important one of all, "Live for the now." Notice I didn't say the past and I didn't say the future. Living in the now is something that everyone should do. Why? Because you can't get back yesterday and you don't know what tomorrow will bring. Tell the ones closest to you how you feel now. Don't wait until it's too late. Keep the ones closest to you in your heart and make it be known. Appreciate the people you're given and be sure to share your thankfulness. Life is a blessing we are given and many of us take the daily waking up everyday for granted.

Today was a blessing I will forever be thankful for. Not only did I learn so much, but I learned it from someone who has lived it. I can't describe how lucky I feel to be surrounded with amazing people day in and day out.

I realized after our visit that I had not yet shared the news of my second opinion appointment on Facebook.  I was just enjoying life and soaking it all up.  I decided to piggy back off of Allison's post the next day when I finally posted my update.  

Facebook post from January 8, 2014

It has been nearly two weeks since I had my Iowa City appointment revealing the CM in my brain stem. Much has happened in the last two weeks. Last night Jaelyn came in to sleep with us and I didn't sleep after that. Instead I cried, I am not even sure about what, I just did and it felt good.

The 15 minute appointment with my neurosurgeon was nothing short of a nightmare. The news was given to us in a less than ideal fashion and, as a result, we literally left thinking I could be taken at any minute. When the doctor told us the news Patrick stood up and the only thing I could do was say, "Holy shit." As he showed us my MRI scan I just kept willing for the name at the top to disappear and for him to say, "Oops, wrong person." I just couldn't register or believe that this was happening. Once I realized that it was I started to feel nauseous, but I couldn't let myself get sick because then the doctor would have really thought I was sick. Eventually, I just broke down as I really comprehended what the doctor was essentially telling me. "You have a very large CM in your brain stem. It could bleed at anytime. You will have to have surgery and you will not be the same after."

After that, I had to go to my neuroopthamology appointment. I sobbed the whole time. I have no idea how they even managed to see what they needed because I could barely see through my tears. I just couldn't stop. I would think about all the things I was going to miss, all the things I hadn't done, and felt so naive for thinking that I was getting better and doing so well when I so sick. I would think about these things and be just overcome with grief. Most of all, I was mad. It was one thing for God to do this to me, but it was a whole other thing for Him to do it to Patrick, my girls, my parents, and my family. It was the ultimate betrayal.

The next four days were excruciating. I continued to cry. If I would have saved my tears I could have made my own river. Every time I moved I was scared my CM was going to bleed. If it wouldn't have been for the distraction of my girls, I am not sure how I would have managed to make it through. I survived off of their strength and innocence. One of my friends told me to read back through all of my previous posts to remind myself of my strength, my progress, and the life that I envisioned for myself through all of this. So on Sunday morning I took her advice but instead of reading my posts, I read all of your comments and messages. Once again, you all helped more than you know. I came across one early comment that said, "Even though this is hard and it is easy to be filled with worry, don't be. Worry only takes from your strength." And it just clicked. If I was going to get through the upcoming months, I was going to need every ounce of strength I had.

That Monday we went to Mayo for a second opinion and received much better news with the utmost professionalism and care. Although my situation is severe, I no longer feel like I am day-to-day. We learned that is was not something I was born with and it is not genetic. The longer I go without a bleed the better the chance is that it will never bleed again. At this time we have chosen to forgo surgery and pray for my CM to remain stagnant. I will need to have surgery if it bleeds again but it will also be easier to remove at that time. Right now I am focused on getting as strong as I can for Pajamie's birth.

Looking back at those four days I can't help but think God was giving me signs. On Sunday afternoon I got out of the shower and noticed that I could see better. When I looked in the mirror my eyes looked normal. At the time I thought, "Great, now I am going crazy too." Then, we managed to get an appointment at Mayo a day after Patrick randomly called with no referral, with their top CM neurosurgeon, and on a non-clinic day. He met with us in between surgeries, in an outpatient exam room, in his scrubs, and gave us an hour of his time. I have to believe we were called there. It was like God was telling me, "Trust in Me. I got you. Just stay with Me."

So I did.

I have allowed myself to dream again. I still remember laying in my bed in Covenant and giving myself deadlines. By Patrick's work Christmas party on December 14, I am going to wear heels. By Christmas, my vision will be normal, etc. Those things didn't happen. But many other things did. After all, if I don't dream big, I won't achieve big. I have to keep dreaming. I have to keep dreaming big.

I continue to stay positive. When I was at Covenant there were many things I couldn't physically do. Many things I tried were prefaced with, "This will probably be difficult. We may need to modify it." That would just instantly motivate me to prove them wrong. More often than not, they were right. But if I couldn't impress them with my skills, I was going to be damn sure I impressed them with my attitude and perseverance. I have to keep that fighting spirit with me. I have to stay positive. I can't make room for anything else if I am going to get better.

I live for the now. There are many times when my fear still finds me. In that moment, I close my eyes, and just repeat in my head, "Live in the present." I can't change what happened, I have no control over what will happen, but it is still in my power to choose how I deal with all of it. I choose to feel the gentleness of Patrick's touch. I choose to enjoy the happiness that fills my heart as I watch every move of my girls. I choose to revel in the warmth of the I love you's that my family no longer forgets to say. I choose to accept the strength I receive when my friends hug me hello and goodbye.

I choose to live.

It is no secret that my stroke changed my life.  I am not even sure if I could adequately list the ways it has.  But you know I am going to try :-)

1. Life is fragile and precious.  The old cliches, "Your life could change any minute." or "Don't take life for granted." are so undeniably true.

2. I am truly blessed.  Not by a job (although I have a pretty awesome job in a pretty awesome district), or our house, or our cars, but by actual important things.  I have a loving husband, three beautiful healthy girls (soon to be four), a family and in-laws that are amazing, and friends that people would envy me for.  I can't buy any of these things.

3. Slow the heck down and live for the now!  I try to live each day without missing a beat.  Put down the phone (I haven't mastered this one yet), pay attention to the beauty around me, and find happiness in even the most awful of situations.  As the saying goes, don't sweat the small stuff.  After all, the small stuff is just that; small.  I can't change what happens and I can't predict what will happen.  There is no use in trying so I might as well just enjoy the present.

4. Value my body.  Eat well.  Exercise.  Listen to it when it is hurting and get help.  Do not be too busy or deny what I am feeling when I am sick.  I only get one body.  I need to treat it well so that when I need it, it holds strong for me.  (I am struggling on this one right now...I am enjoying the pregnancy train a bit too much!)

5. Make a choice to be happy everyday and stay positive.  This is really, really hard sometimes.  But it is so worth it if I do it.  If I can try to find the good in every situation, if I can make it a learning experience, than I will keep moving forward.  I won't be beat by my stroke.  If I can't impress people by what I can do physically, I am going to make damn sure that I impress them by how I handle it.

6. Keep dreaming BIG!  It is the only way I will achieve big.  I have to laugh at how unrealistic I was after my stroke.  I remember laying in bed thinking I would wear heals to Patrick's work Christmas party on December 14th.  By Christmas I would be near 100%; even my eyes.  By April when Pajamie was born I would function like I always had.  By June I would be back at NLXF just like I had planned when I found out we were expecting.  By October at my sister's wedding, this would all be in the distant past.  I was unwilling to let go of my plans; of the future I already envisioned.  Those dreams kept me going.  They forced me to push myself in therapy and stay positive.  Then I found out that I had this little stow away in my head and I became a bit more realistic.  BUT, I will never stop dreaming big.