Support Bracelets

On November 18, I got a surprise visit from one of my good friends, Megan.  She came bearing a surprise.  She had designed and ordered support bracelets for me.  I LOVED THEM! 

For those of you who have ever been in a position in life where you need help and constant encouragement and positivity, you will understand what these bracelets did for my morale.  To just think that someone cared about me enough to organize a fundraiser on my behalf just overwhelmed me with emotion.  Not just a fundraiser, but one with a personal message.  My nickname from NLXF and my new personal motto. 

After these went "on sale", my Facebook page exploded with numerous people tagging me in pictures of themselves wearing them.  Every time I got one of these notifications I just balled my eyes out.  I was so thankful and humbled by my friends and family.  I also felt so undeserving.  I had been through a lot, but I was just doing my best with what I had been dealt--it's not like I had cured cancer!  

I have not taken my bracelet off since the minute I put it on.  I am still in awe every time I see someone sporting one of these on their wrists.  I cannot put in to words how it makes me feel.  I tear up for a minute before I just am filled with peace.  I am reminded of what I went/am going through, I gain even more love for that person, and just burst with appreciation for their support.  

Facebook post from November 18,2013

Seriously???!!! How awesome are my friends?!! The greatest thing I have learned from my stroke is that Patrick and I have done a great job of surrounding our girls and ourselves with AMAZING people. I feel so incredibly undeserving of this, but also appreciate it so, so much. Thank you Megan Youngkent for being so freakin' awesome.

They're here!!!!!! If you would like to get a SWEET Jamie Smith Support bracelet, find me. They are $1 - proceeds going to the Smith's! Buy one, buy 100! 

 Facebook post from Patrick on November 19, 2013 

We had a surprise visit last night from one of Jamie Smith's besties, Megan Youngkent.  She brought us these (see pictures). Jamie and I were overwhelmed. I believe her exact quote to me was, "I'm not special enough to have my own bracelet".

Well Jamie Lynne whether you think your special enough or not (and I know she is), there is going to be many many people out there showing their support of you and increasing their awareness about strokes and the early signs of them.

As every day passes Jamie is getting stronger and stronger. I couldn't be prouder of her progress and determination. As always we continue to thank you for your prayers and thoughts.

If you would like to support the J. SMITH - BE BETTER. DO BETTER fan club, please message Megan for details. God Bless.

P.S. and for those of you messaging me pictures of you wearing these already, Thank You for the support. Almost teared up at work.....ALMOST. I'm too tough for that. ; )

Facebook post from Ryan Downs, NLXF Owner, on November 21, 2013

"Do Better Be Better"
Is there a better motto to live by? These are available at the NLXF back desk in CF in support of Jamie Smith and her fight back against life's challenges. Support this woman - she's one of a kind. Jamie has a heart of gold and she WILL prevail.

These are $1 at the back desk.

I'm wearing it everywhere I go and so should you.

Who Needs Sleep?

I still struggled to sleep even though I was making huge strides.  I had been informed that I would be released from in-patient therapy On November 22.  I was thrilled and terrified all at the same time.  I was so homesick for our girls, our home, different food, and normalcy.  However, I was terrified that I wasn't ready.  I still had so many deficits.  Yes, I was walking on my own but it would only take an unexpected nudge from my girls to knock me over.  I was doing many daily tasks (cooking, practicing applying diapers to a doll, etc.) that I knew that I could do everything I needed to at home, but I was so slow at it.  My girls wouldn't understand slow.

It was during this time when Patrick and I started to discuss being transferred to a skilled nursing facility after I was discharged from Covenant.  Of course, it was all up to insurance but eventually we got it cleared.  I just wanted a little more time to become comfortable with my deficits.  A skilled nursing environment still offered PT and OT sessions, although much less, and 24/7 care.  But the care was not really given unless I asked for it.  Simply put, I was essentially on my own but I had help immediately if I needed it.

My emotions were up and down.  One minute I was confident and the next I was worrying.  It was like a never ending battle.  Patrick came across this excerpt in his book and it soothed me.  I felt compelled to post it on Facebook.

Facebook post from November 17,2013

My emotions were all over this weekend. I blame the stroke for 50%, crazy pregnant lady hormones for 25%, and the fact that I have only slept six hours the whole weekend for the other 25%.

This is another excerpt from the book Patrick is reading. It hit me pretty hard tonight considering most of my worry and frustrations are based on the fact that I want things to improve much faster than they are. Darn that impatient bone I have.

PICTURE ME!!!!!!!!!

As I mentioned, PT was going very well.  MY PT was challenging me with high level activities and I was able to accomplish them.  On the walk down to  the PT gym on the 13th I felt a little less resistance on my gait belt.   I wondered if my PT was even holding it but quickly shoved it out of my head.  I thought for sure he would tell me if he wasn't, to give me some warning.  Plus with my decreased sensation I thought I was making it up since I couldn't really feel for sure.  My PT didn't say anything about it during my session so I figured I was right.  On the way back to my room we walked past the OT gym.  My OT saw me and said, "Look at you!  All on your own!"  I about peed my pants I was so excited!  I was right!  I was walking on my own!  My PT and Patrick both started laughing.  My PT was going to tell me once we got back to my room.

I can't even tell you the amount of confidence and hope that gave me.  I was improving and I was improving quickly.  I was strong enough.  I could balance well enough.  My therapists trusted in my improvement.  I was free.      

Facebook post from November 13, 2013

(Picture me screaming, talking really fast, smiling from ear to ear, and jumping up and down as I say this).....I walked on my own today! I walked on my own today! I WALKED ON MY OWN TODAY!!!!!!

Walking boosted my confidence a 100 times.  I was focused in an entirely new way.  I was starting to feel like I would get back to normal someday.  I was starting to believe that I would still be able to do everything in life that I wanted to.  So, with that new confidence and focus came even more challenging PT.  I welcomed it with open arms.
 
Facebook post from Patrick on November 14, 2013

I was just advised by my lovely wife that she can still, "kick my butt in h-o-r-s-e". Never been so happy to see someone dribbling a basketball in my life!!! Fortunate and Blessed. 

Patrick's Personal Message

I wanted to give you an even clearer picture of what an amazing man Patrick is.  He lost his mother to breast cancer when he was 15 years old. 

Facebook post from Patrick on November 1, 2013

Seventeen years ago we lost you and yet for seventeen years you have helped us to find you. I know exactly where you have been over the past week. Thank you for being at Jamie's side. To our Guardian Angel up in Heaven, we love and miss you Mom. P.E.S, 11-1-1996.

I had to include the post below on my blog.  It is the only time that Patrick has ever written about his feelings to someone other than me since my stroke. My stroke is not easy on him but he is so strong.  I don't think I will ever stop being a bit angry at God for hurting him so deeply twice in his lifetime.  It just will never make sense to me no matter how anyone tries to explain it to me or justify it.  It just simply isn't fair.


Facebook post from Patrick on November 15, 2013

These past three weeks have been like no other weeks that I have had in my thirty-two years on this earth. It was almost exactly three weeks ago to this minute that I walked in from the living room to the bedroom after watching the world series game, laid down my head to rest, only to have Jamie roll over and say, "There's something wrong, We need to go to the hospital". With those words it all began.

A rushed drive to the hospital, a dazed look on my face as I saw the helicopter take off, pacing up and down the ER in Iowa City, spending three days in the ICU. It is all a blur.

All I can say to you tonight is what I have been saying to a hundred people a day since, its Thank You. Thank you for your prayers (they have worked and continue to work), thank you for your support, thank you for your messages and cards, thank you for the simple hug so many of you have extended. Its Thank You.

My perspective, my views, my thoughts, my faith....they have been altered...this situation has shown me how incredibly lucky I am to have Jamie still by my side...to be able to kiss our kids good night together, to be able to know we have a second chance at this. So many times in life I got caught up worrying about so much that didn't matter...I've learned it truly doesn't matter!!

If anything, tomorrow as you wake up and if you choose to read this message, close your eyes take a deep breath and realize how incredibly lucky you. Lucky for the spouse you have, lucky for the children you have, lucky for the career you've made, lucky for the faith you have, lucky for the gauntlet you're about to do, lucky to be alive. Don't take any day for granted. Do better today. Be better today. If you've made it this far in my message, thank you...just needed to get this out there.

Don't take anything for granted, for you never know when God may point you in a different direction.

God Bless. Thanks for listening.

What My Stroke Has Taught Me

Facebook post from Patrick on November 10, 2013

Now this is what you call Occupational Therapy!! Kids had a blast helping mommy fill in her "peg board" yesterday.

By the second week of therapy Patrick and I both felt comfortable enough with my progress for him to begin to sleep at home and get the kids back on a normal schedule.  He also went back to work for half days.  This was absolutely great news!  It gave us hope that everything was going to be better very soon.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss him though.  It gave me much more time to think.  I struggled to sleep at times because of it.  I knew he needed to be with our kids and that life couldn't just stop but it was hard to officially be alone.

It was also a blessing.  I became much more confident with my abilities and self-sufficient.  I didn't have him to wait on me hand and foot and I absolutely hated bothering the nurses with silly requests.  So, it forced me to think, be organized, and work my hand and balance.  Now, don't go crazy...I wasn't up running around my room!  I never left my bed without help!  But, I began to do little things like type on my iPad, use the remote, use my phone, and pick up little items like chapstick.

During this week we also found out that we were having another girl!  Earlier that day one of the PT's did the pencil test on me.  According to it, we were to have three girls and a boy.  Needless to say, we got our hopes up.  However, before Patrick and I decided to try for another little one we talked about how we would feel if we had another girl.  We both decided that we would be happy and blessed.  We just didn't want to have another kid just to try to have a boy.  So, when we found out it was a girl we both just laughed and hugged.  We weren't surprised at all.  Honestly, we were just thrilled that everything was okay with her after everything that had happened to me.

That day we had my parents bring our girls to visit.  We wanted to reveal the news to them.  Linden was in her own world, Jaelyn listened for like two seconds, and Seeri balled her eyes out for 5 minutes!  She wanted a brother.  The only way we could get her to calm down was by telling her that she could help name her.  She instantly picked Olivia (that is not a contender by the way!)

The girls were wired!  It was one of those nights where they just wouldn't listen, they picked on each other, they were loud, etc.  I could tell Patrick was at his wits end.  He was basically a single working parent of three.  Throw an incredibly sick wife on top of that and it is a recipe for a perfect storm of frustration.  I felt helpless.

They left and I cried.  For the first time I really hated my stroke.  I was mad at God, I was frustrated, and I pitied myself.  The previous weeks I had been in a, "This happened and I can't change it.  Focus on getting better and you will."  I was in this little rehabilitation box where all I was focused on was improvement and myself.  I was surrounded by other people like me and therapists that were encouraging.  I wasn't tempted or distracted by outside influences so I never really thought about what I couldn't do and how that would affect my everyday reality at home.  Out of sight, out of mind.

In the middle of my tears my Chaplin walked in.  This was the first time I had met her in two weeks.  It is amazing that she entered my life in my darkest time since I had my stroke.  We had a very nice and encouraging conversation and I was instantly put right back on track.  I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I decided to write.  The post below was the very first post I had written on my own.  I was crying so hard as I wrote it that I couldn't even see the screen!  I had to stop and wipe my eyes and blow my nose every two minutes!  


Facebook post from November 12, 2013

First things first, we had an ultrasound today that revealed that we are having a girl. Surprise! If I know anything about her it is that she has more heart and resilience than most will ever have. She is a fighter.

Our girls and my parents came to visit tonight. I love seeing the girls but I just feel so helpless and just like a shell of myself when they are here. It doesn't matter in that moment how much progress I have made. The simple fact of the matter is that I am nowhere close to where I want to or need to be. So after they left I just balled my eyes out.

In the middle of it all, my Chaplin walked in. I haven't seen her since I have been here, but tonight when I needed her the most, there she was like a direct gift from God. She let me cry and when I calmed she told me that I should not be ashamed because I was experiencing loss and I needed to let myself grieve. She explained to me that I was a boiling pot of potatoes and if I didn't start taking some of the potatoes out, I was going to boil over. She also asked me, "what kind of life are you going to live from here on out?"

Patrick has been reading a book and the other night he read me an excerpt of it. It was about a guy who had a heart attack and his experience with it. At the end he said, stop asking "Why God?" and start asking "What did you intend of me?" He then talks about what he liked about his heart attack. This story has resonated with me.

I am not sure at this point what His intentions were. All I know is that if He is testing me, I am up for the challenge. I can tell you though what I liked about my stroke. My stroke showed me how tough Patrick, our family, and I all are. My stroke taught me that love, faith, family, and friendship are all you need in life to be fulfilled. My stroke helped me understand that to accept help takes a great deal of humility. I have learned that life is truly precious.

I pray that you all will never need me like I have needed you. But, if you ever do I will be there in an instant. Until then, you can rest assured that I will do everything I can to pay your kindness forward and teach my girls how to do the same.

Do better. Be better.

I Will Not Accept Failure

Therapy continued to be challenging, but it was going so much better now that I had my eye patch.  I started noticing little improvements everyday.  I was starting to feel less tingly and just stiff instead.  I was also noticing the temperature of things, like the water temperature in the shower, with my left side more.  Movement was becoming more natural especially in my head.  I would actually turn to look at objects rather than just look straight ahead.  I also wasn't completely terrified to touch the base of my skull or neck.  That was definitely due to the decreased nausea.

The functioning in my left hand was improving ever so slowly but surely.  I was gaining more gross motor function.  I was able to pick up larger objects more easily and hold on to them for a good amount of time before I dropped them.  I also noticed that I could control my thumb and pointer finger, meaning I could move them separate of one another.  However, it was still a struggle to get them to straighten or bend when I needed them to and grasp things.  For example, there was a handicap bar in my bathroom that ran perpendicular to the floor.  I had to use extreme focus to get my hand to slip between the wall and the bar and then grasp on to it.  It was challenging because I couldn't get all five of my fingers to listen to the same cue.  Two of them would straighten and the other three would stay bent.  I literally had to send a signal to each finger to get it to do what I wanted.  It would take about 20 seconds to grip the bar every time I went to the bathroom.  It was hard with my sensory deficit to know how hard I was gripping something or if I was gripping something at all.  If I had my eyes closed and someone were to put something in my hand or on my fingertips, I would have never known.  My middle finger, ring finger, and pinky all still had a mind of their own too.  They moved as one and rarely listened to me.  It reminded me of my kiddos!  ;-)

My balance was improving greatly.  It helped that I didn't see a zillion images and could move my head to see objects.  I was also starting to trust my leg and relearn how to use it.  Like with everything I did in therapy, it took so much focus.  Seriously, I would sweat because I was thinking so hard!

This is also about the time where I really fatigued and got exhausted quickly.  In PT I would have to take about a minute break for every 30 seconds to a minute of work I did.  That was so embarrassing but I had too.  I would literally be out of breath from it.  Plus, when I got tired my left side from head to toe would tingle and become more stiff because I was sending so many impulses through my body at once.  It was like mt left side was connected to a stem machine that didn't take breaks!

OT would mentally exhaust me.  About a month before my stroke there was a man that walked across the Grand Canyon on a tight rope holding a bar.  I am positive that it took an immense amount of mental focus to complete that walk.  I will not hesitate to tell you that it took me that much mental focus to pick up a pen.  If I would lose it for a second, I would drop it or my fingers would go out of position and I wouldn't be able to pick it up.

I would get done with a session of therapy and instantly fall into a deep sleep for 20 minutes before my next session.  I had a two hour lunch break now that my therapy schedule was changed.  I would sleep for all of it except for the 30 minutes I ate.  I was sleeping every night by at least 8 pm.  My body was just done.  It was like I went out and ran a marathon every other half an hour!

Facebook post from Patrick on November 6, 2013

Extremely proud of her today and this entire week. I have had the pleasure of cheering her on, giving her that nudge of encouragement in times of frustration, and been able to watch consistent daily progress in all areas of her therapy. Jamie Smith, you amaze and inspire me.

I continue to pray for her, our daughters, and for all of you helping to lift us up in this time.of need. I said to a friend tonight that the support we have received is humbling. People we don't even know bringing meals to our home, incredible friends taking our kids to and from school, and family staying during the day/overnight to care for Seeri, Jaelyn, and Linden.

All of you, Thank you. So many of you say, "its no big deal" or "you would do it for us", please know how very much we appreciate all you are doing. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. God Bless.

I also started excepting a few visitors outside of family members.  I was reluctant at first.  First of all, I was so tired.  When people came I felt obligated to visit which only made me more tired.  Plus I was embarrassed of how I looked.  I hated showing people that I was sick and weak.  I wanted to be normal.  I wanted to be strong.  I realize now that I was so stupid for thinking that.  I had just survived a 2cm brain bleed in the Pons of my brain stem.  Are you kidding me?  I was STRONG.  I wasn't the old Jamie, the "normal" one, but a "better" Jamie.  I was Jamie 2.0 and I was killing it.  

But, with visitors, came questions and reliving it over and over.  So, I sent out this post on Facebook.  Whenever I posted, I always tried to be as honest as I could about what I was experiencing and feeling.  The post below was no exception.

Facebook post on November 7, 2013

I wanted to say thank you to anyone who has sent me an email, message, a card, and a gift. All of your kind words give me peace and inspiration to keep working hard. I have quickly figured out that I must talk about food, especially my food vices, very often. Nearly every care package I receive contains Doritos, Milky Ways, and Lemon Heads.

People always ask me two questions when they come to visit. 1). Do I remember October 25th and 2) Do the doctors know why this happened?

I remember every minute of it. It was one of those situations where I didn't dare fall asleep for fear I wouldn't awake. So instead I cuddled myself up into the fetal position, closed my eyes, and thought of every possible thing I could. I just tried to focus on staying calm for the baby. Strangely, I felt strong and at peace inside. I remember as my family members came into the ICU room to see me that they were all trying to be strong for me, but I could hear their sniffles and hear the anguish in their voices. I instantly made a choice that I wasn't going to be a victim. I started to set goals and I work hard every day to meet them. The first time I feel asleep was after I had my MRI revealing that the bleeding had stopped and I didn't seem to have a tumor. Patrick told me the news, laid down by me in my ICU bed and whispered to me,"you never have permission to do this again". I finally felt safe and fell fast asleep.

At this time, my doctors aren't 100 percent sure why this happened. More will be revealed in my next MRI on Dec 26th. By then a lot of the blood will be re-absorbed and they will be able to get a clearer picture of affected area. Their best guess is that the vessels in my brain stem are laced together instead of separated and it was probably something I was born with. They think that I could have had smaller bleeds previous to this and the symptoms didn't manifest themselves. For example, last year when I had the flu four times it may have not been the actual flu. Apparently, 32 year old pregnant women in above average health don't usually have strokes so I guess that if I'm going to have one I might as well do it with style.

It's been almost two weeks since my stroke, but Iowa City already seems like a lifetime ago. Surprisingly I miss being in my own Greys Anatomy episode. It  was somewhat flattering to be the case that all the doctors and their students wanted to see and learn from. I sometimes get the feeling that I am the medical mystery that keeps on giving.

Sometimes when I wake up I just want to drown myself in my fears and anger. Then I feel Patrick brush his finger tips across my cheek and say "Good Morning" and I think there is no better day than today. There is no better day than today to Do Better. Be Better.

I've made a lot of progress over the last week. I have gone from not being able to pick up a wooden block to picking up popcorn seeds. At first I couldn't step over a yard stick on the floor without losing my balance now, stepping over six inch cones seems too easy. I am very proud of my progress, but when my daughters come to visit reality sets in. The whole time they are here all I think about is how would I do that? How would I help them? How am I going to do the eight million things I used to do in a matter of minutes when it takes me four minutes and two seconds to pick up nine pegs, put them in a peg board and take them back out. When I think about going home it makes me both excited and terrified.

It is human nature to be scared and concerned. I want to reassure all of you that even though I express my fears that I am still positive about the outcome of my condition. I am strong. I am focused. I will not accept failure.

I selfishly ask that you specifically pray for my vision to be restored and for my parents to find peace with the path that God has chosen for me.

I thank you for all you have done and God Bless,

Jamie and Patrick

It's A GSD Kind Of Day!

I woke up on Monday ready to slay the day.  Or, as I commonly say "Get GSD."  A.k.a. Get Shit Done.  That saying started in April 2013 after I had competed in a local 5k and finished fourth in my age division.  Afterwards, my good friend started referring to me as GSD and it kind of just stuck!

Facebook post by Patrick from November 4, 2013

It's a GSD kind of day!!!

PT was becoming more challenging.  It was quickly realized that I was in great physical shape and I had the mental perseverance to match.  Now, I am not saying I killed everything I did and was amazing at it.  That was certainly not the case.  What I am saying is that I started at a level higher than most and was willing to try anything no matter how difficult or frustrating it was.  Usually I was absolutely horrendous at something the first time I did it.  I would doubt that I could do it which would instantly dome me.  Then, I would try to just take off and move the way I always had.  I would go to fast and my focus wouldn't be there.  It was even harder when my right side was completely normal and unaffected by my bleed.  I just felt like two different people using the same head.  The second time I tried I would adjust and compensate.  I would focus on my left side mimicking my right side right down to which muscles I would feel flexing at certain times.  I would also have to pay special attention to my left ankle.  I would often stick my left hip out to the side to bear weight causing my left ankle to roll.  How do you fix that?  Flex your left butt cheek and push your left big toe in to the floor.  It was crazy to learn how my body actually moved and worked rather than just doing it without thinking like I always had.

OT was OT.  Frustrating as hell.  My hand just wouldn't listen and I was so weak.  Talk about learning how to move again.  Every time I did a task I had to complete it with my right hand first.  I had to watch which fingers engaged and how and really think about diong all those things with my left hand.  I completed peg board after peg board after peg board.  The objects kept getting smaller and smaller that I had to pick up, squeeze, or twist.  It was hard to complete the tasks physically but mentally it was even more exhausting.  I couldn't take a mental break for a second.  If I did I would drop the object or one of my fingers would stick out straight instead of curling to grip something.  OT was honestly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I have had three kids!   It was frustrating but I tried to focus on improvement every time I did it. 

Below is a post that we posted on the Next Level Extreme Fitness Facebook page.  I was doing squats and lunges very early in my PT sessions.  I loved it because it made me feel like I was just as strong as ever.  I had to show my fellow NLXF family that I was still there with them on Black Monday workouts which are the evil plans of the NLXF owner.  Super hard, but I loved every second!  I miss those days!


Facebook post from November 4, 2013 to the Next Level Extreme Fitness Page

I just wanted to take a second and say a few thank you's. First I wanted to give a shout out to the NLXF trainers.  In the gym you always knew what to say whether it was, "Yeah J," or "killing it J Smith," or "just pushing around refrigerators." You always knew what to say then to motivate me and you still do now. Thank you for all of your kind and encouraging words throughout this process.

To the rest of my NLXF family: I am without words. I am currently at Covenant Rehab and I have two fellow NLXF'ers on my therapy team. It makes me feel right at home. I haven't even come close to meeting all of you, but yet you still lift me up in prayer and even am providing meals for my family. Please, please introduce yourself to me when we cross paths so I may give you a giant hug.

It is no secret that I love NLXF. I love the workouts, the intensity, and the atmosphere, but most of all I love the people. I have built life-long friendships that I couldn't dream of living without. We are a family and you are proving that right now.

This is a picture of me proving to you I still have to do squats too. P.S. Don't hate on my form, she told me to only slightly bend my knees, but I couldn't help myself.

Happy Black Monday....wish I was there.