Jamie Smith's "Do Better. Be Better." Foundation

I have mentioned many times how my first Facebook post came to be, why I proceeded to post to Facebook, and how all of that eventually led to creating my blog.  There have been many times when I have wondered if I was being too honest or feared whether I was being too self indulgent by assuming people would even be interested in my story.  In the end though, I selfishly continue to write because it is an amazing form of therapy for me.  More importantly, I want to chronicle this time of life so our girls can read it when they get older.

Could I write without sharing it with others?  Absolutely.  I have contemplated doing that many times.  But if I did that I would have never met Sara, Greg, or Jonathan, whom I had an email from this morning.  He is 25, has what I do, and just suffered from his first bleed.  So now my writing has become just a little bit more than expressing my feelings.

I have always said that I want my stroke, as terrible as it was, to be something positive and something that I learn from.  Over the last two weeks I have been given the opportunity to really run with that idea.

I have to be very clear in stating that what I am about to write was NOT my idea AT ALL, but rather of some very special people that make up my army.  ALL of the credit goes to Kelli Snyder (my childhood friend), Dunkerton's graduating class of 1999, Justin Urbanek (principal of Dunkerton), the leadership/student governments at Dunkerton High School and Cedar Falls High School, and Erin Gardner (friend and co-worker).  I am sure there are many, many more people that have helped that I am not aware of.  I want to extend my gratitude to them too if they are reading.

At the end of July I found out that my graduating class was hosting a golf outing for my family and I.  This outing is on Saturday, September 20.  There will be a golf tournament, social hour, and supper.  I wrote in an earlier post how absolutely blown away by this I was.  I honestly still haven't been able to wrap my head around it.

Two weeks ago I was informed by Patrick that he had received a phone call from Justin stating that the benefit had grown in to something much bigger.  Dunkerton schools was planning to host a 5k color run and school carnival in effort to raise funds to create a scholarship to be given to a graduating senior every year.  The run and scholarship would all be named after my motto, "Do Better.  Be Better."

What??  I asked Patrick three times if he was kidding.  When I finally realized that he wasn't joking, I put my hand over my mouth and just cried.  I was so overwhelmed.  I had to be dreaming.  I had to be.  I was absolutely blown away by their generosity.  I was incredibly humbled by this huge honor.  And, to be honest, I was a bit ashamed.  After everything that everyone has done for us, I should have been the one to take the initiative to create something like this; to give back.  I just didn't have it in me though.  There are still some days where I feel like I am only keeping my head just above the water.

Two days later Patrick surprised me yet again.  He told me that he had talked to Justin again and now Cedar Falls High School was also going to give out a  "Do Better.  Be Better." scholarship every year.  The two schools were going to collaborate and take turns hosting the run and carnival each year.  I started bawling before Patrick even finished telling me.  My heart felt like it was bursting.  I for sure had to be dreaming now.

How did I get here?  How has my life gotten to this point?  It is unbelievable.

Last week we met with Kelli and Justin.  They showed us the flyer and registration form for the color run that had been completed so far and discussed the details.  Knowing that I hate being the center of attention, they also wanted to make sure that this was something I wanted to do.  They did not want to force it on me.  How could I say no to this?  First of all, it is an amazing honor, but it is also exactly what I wanted my stroke to become; something good, rather than devasting.  I LOVE the idea that a graduating senior from each school will be recognized by a scholarship for exhibiting the characteristics that the "Do Better.  Be Better." motto stands for.  I am thrilled that kids from two different districts are collaborating for a great purpose.  And a color run is right up my alley!

Since the meeting Patrick and I have decided to create, Jamie Smith's "Do Better.  Be Better." Foundation.  This is still in the beginning stages because forming a foundation is a teensy bit intense. The other night we were sitting in bed researching what we would need to do when we both just stopped, looked at each other, and said, "Can you believe we are doing this?"  All I did was have a stroke, choose to fight, and honestly write about my feelings.  There are other people in our community like Ed Thomas and Taylor Morris, whom I both consider to be heroes, that have and deserve events and accolades like these.  I do not feel like I am even close to the same level as them.

To say my life has changed in the last 10 months is a massive understatement.  I feel like I am living in an alternate universe most of the time.  I can't believe I had a stroke when I was pregnant, that I delivered Myah full-term and healthy, that I have a blog, and that my story has impacted so many people.  It literally blows my mind.  I can't even fully explain it.

I am very excited about traveling down this new road though.  Thanks to my army my stroke will be remembered in a positive light.  I will forever be indebted to them for that.  I truly believe that these events are just the beginning of what the "Do Better.  Be Better." Foundation will do.

God is good.  He continues to remind me of how gracious He is.  He speaks the loudest through the people He has put in my life.  If I have learned anything over the last ten months it is that the people in your life are the only things that are constant.  Treat them like they are treasures; whether big or small, your actions will always be what inspire them to do better and be better.

10 Month Anniversary

This month has been CRAZY!  Jaelyn got her tonsils out, I had an eye appointment, and we celebrated many events: our friends' weddings, our anniversary, Seeri's birthday, my Dad's birthday, and my sister's bachelorette party and bridal shower.  I have continued to attend Next Level and make improvements with my coordination.  I have also been honored with some pretty huge life altering events (more on that later).  And of course, I returned to work!  Whew!

My eye appointment was on August 8.  My eye improved again.  I am now wearing a 15 strength prism.  We discussed eye muscle surgery and having my prism ground in to my glasses.  If I have eye muscle surgery my eye would be re-centered but it is not a guarantee that it would correct my double vision.  My doctor thought it would considering it has improved so much that they wouldn't have to tweak it much.  But, to me, the only perk of surgery was that I would be able to wear contacts again.  If that is not a guarantee than I don't think I want to have surgery on my eye muscles because that just sounds scary and unnecessary really.  My eye is barely noticeable anymore.  So I am thinking I will just have my prism ground in to my lens.  If that was done, the lines that are visible from my prism would no longer be there; my lens would be clear just like my left side.  I cannot have anything done until my eye has been stable for six months.  The next time I go back to the doctor is November 14.

The way my left side feels still remains the same.  It is still a bit stiff and heavy but my functioning has improved.  I feel pretty darn close to normal with everything that I do with my upper body.  My lower body coordination has improved a bit.  Left roundhouses are feeling a bit more normal and I feel like I can control my leg snap a bit more.  I can do two roundhouses in a row and even do a left to right or a right to left roundhouse.  I can only do one, but that is more than I could do two weeks ago!  I have had three big accomplishments: I can now do a real burpee; no more modifications!  I can do push-ups on my toes (about five to eight depending on how gassed my arms are from previous exercises).  And on Tuesday, I was teaching my Cross Training class and I needed to demo running lunges.  I said, "I can't do these yet, but take this movement (as I demonstrated a stationary walking lunge) and add a little jump to resemble running."  The next thing I knew I was doing a running lunge.  I literally stopped, looked at my legs and said, out loud, "Oh my gosh, I just did a running lunge!"  I was completely caught up in the moment and was snapped back down to earth when I looked up and realized that my entire class of kids was clapping for me.  I about cried.  It was a very special and beautiful moment for me.

The greatest change this month has been my return to work.  I have missed my co-workers greatly.  I also missed the kids.  But, it has been very hard.  The first week back I hit the ground running just like Jamie 1.0 used to.  On Thursday morning I was terrified to start school.  I just prayed so hard that I would be able to handle it physically, but more so emotionally.  I am teaching sophomores this year for the first time in a very long time.  None of them know me or my story.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell them about my stroke or start fresh.  Eventually I decided that my stroke was a major part of who I am and it would be wrong to ignore that and keep it from them.  It was incredibly difficult over the course of Thursday, Friday, and Monday to have to re-tell my story over, and over, and over.  I was exhausted from it and I got a little bit of a head cold.  Half way through the day on Friday I began to get a little light headed and by the end of the day my left hand was tingling like crazy.  I was worried.  My symptoms had not been that strong since my days of therapy.

I got a lot of rest over the weekend and battled back by Monday.  However, it was so hot in our building and my body just wasn't ready for the physical, mental, and emotional demands that are a part of being a teacher.  On Wednesday I noticed I was getting a runny nose and I quickly chalked it up to allergies.  On Thursday I woke up very congested after getting about three hours of sleep.  By the end of the day on Thursday I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  I continued to get worse throughout Thursday night.  I had a fever from 6:30 p.m. to 9 a.m. that would break and then return after the Tylenol/peppermint oil wore off.  I got no sleep and quickly realized my body was done.  I ended up staying home from work on Friday.  I slept for about four hours, ran an oil diffuser, drank tons of hot chocolate, and barely left the bed.  I was so frustrated and felt like I was letting everyone down by not being able to go to work.  But, not only did I need to listen to my body, I had to listen to my body.  It has become apparent to me that a severe cold and fever is how my body now reacts to stress.  These colds really knock me down, but it could be way worse so I will graciously accept it

So far this week has gone well.  I still have remnants of my cold but my energy is holding up and I feel strong.  I am hoping that my beginning struggles were a result of my body just needing to get used to the new strain, just like with everything else "new" that I have introduced over the last ten months.

The next two months leading up to my one year anniversary are going to be just as busy.  But I am so excited for what they will be filled with.  I can honestly say that my life has done a complete 180.  Something very bad happened to me but it is very quickly becoming one of the more amazing things also.

Cheers to another month of beating my stroke!

Our Mary Poppins!

Patrick and I realized shortly after my diagnosis that it would be best for me to have some help over the summer when the girls were home.  We wanted to reduce my stress and be able to provide a fun and activity filled summer for the girls.  Even if I were 100% healthy having four kids and all of the organization and craziness that comes with them would still be overwhelming!

We started looking for a live-in nanny in January.  We had many great applicants, although very few wanted to take us up on the live-in option.  There were also quite a few that wanted quite a bit of money per hour and we just couldn't justify the expense considering I would still be here all day.

One girl came highly recommended from our friends at Wartburg; yep, she bled orange!  She was already a winner in our book!  We set up an interview with her shortly after.  She came over to our house, had pizza with us, played with the girls, and discussed the position.  She was leaving for a mission trip, but promised to get back to us the following week.

The instant she left Patrick and I turned to each other and said simultaneously, "I want her to be our nanny."  She was perfect.  We could tell instantly that she was going to fit right in.  We agreed that we were not going to interview anyone else until we heard back from her.

So we prayed.  We prayed that she liked us back just as much and that she would be willing to stay with us.

To our surprise, she called back before the end of the weekend.  She informed us that she would like to take the position and that she would live with us.  Or as she explained it, "I feel like God is calling me to help your family."

Miss Cailee Jo moved out on Monday after nearly three months with us.  We miss her already.  Having her here with us allowed us to have a summer that wasn't affected by my stroke.  The girls were still able to enjoy the pool, park, and other favorites.  And because of her help I never felt stressed or like I was letting them down.  Plus I was able to go shopping without kids sometimes.  All of you busy moms out there understand my excitement about that!

Cailee is an AMAZING person.  She has a beautiful spirit, a kind heart, and strong faith.  Her positivity and bright smile is infectious.  She treated our girls like family and always came up with fun activities to do with them.  I am sure they will never forget make-over night!  There is no doubt in my mind that she will be successful in life. 

But, my most favorite thing about Cailee are words that she once said to me:

"It just goes to show you that if you follow God's path, be faithful, and do the right thing, He will always provide for you."

You couldn't be more right Cailee Jo.  And when I hear things like this from people I love it inspires me to do better and to be better.  Thank you for that.

Miss Cailee Jo:
We will be seeing you!  Keep us updated on your performances because all SIX of us will be there cheering you on!  I wish you and Tanner a lifetime of happiness and blessings!  Oh, and happy wedding planning and senior year!

Oh, and I wish we would have taken more pictures together!!

Being silly---the girls always laughed when she did funny stuff with her hair!

Our Adventureland and Zoo Vacation.  Cailee and Seeri rode all the rides together!

Random gymnastics tricks!

Hanging out--crazy eyes JJ!

Snuggling with Myah--last day with the girls.

 

Seeri's 7th Birthday!

On Friday, August 8, our oldest daughter, Seeri, turned SEVEN!  Where does the time go??!!

I had an eye appointment in Iowa City that day so Patrick and I decided to take her with us so we could spend some time with her.  My eye appointment took four hours and she was such a trooper!

                                                             Waiting room selfies!!

After that we drove to Hope's Bridal to pick up my bridesmaid dress for my sisters wedding.  We ended the day by going to dinner as a family to Brown Bottle, opening presents at home, and enjoying the homemade cupcakes she made.

Sunday, August 10, we went to Pepper's with my side of the family to celebrate her birthday and my Dad's 64th birthday.  She opened up her presents and we even walked across the street to enjoy some Dairy Queen after supper.

On Sunday, August 24th, we celebrated her birthday again with a party at Claire's with her closest friends.  It was make-up themed and to say the girls had a blast is quite the understatement.







Little Miss Seeri Eileen: you are truly special.  I adore your loving nature, your cautious approach, and your curious demeanor.  You were a surprise to your Daddy and I; the best surprise we have both ever gotten.  I cannot wait to watch you grow up in to a beautiful young woman!

We love you Seeri girl!

Everyday Lessons

I have a massive cold again.  Since my stroke my body seems to react to new stressors or changes in my life with a fever, sinus congestion, left earaches, and a cough.  Unfortunately, these colds hit me hard; everything is just amplified by ten since my stroke.

Over the last few days I have been informed about a few events that others are planning to organize in my honor.  These have left me floored, humbled, and speechless.  I have been incredibly emotional as a result.  Couple that with being under the weather and I am a straight up hot, hot mess.

Today when I picked up Seeri from school we had to wait for the buses to go by first.  She commented that the little bus that takes the "sick" kids had already left.  My heart instantly broke.  So I responded with, "Seeri, I don't think they are sick.  You know what I think?  I think that God gave them just a little bit more special because he made them stronger than all of us."  She then responded by saying that she had learned that the two sides of their brain didn't talk to each other and that was why they couldn't learn.  And then she said, "You have an owie in your brain but your two sides still talk so you can learn."  All I could say was "yep," because I was already starting to cry.

We made it about two more blocks before she said, "Mommy, are you crying?"  I said yes and she asked why.  All I could say was that I didn't know.

How can I explain to a seven year old that I hate that she has a sick mom?  I hate that she understands brain injury.  I hate that she talks about me being in the hospital like it is just a normal thing that happens to everyone.  How do I apologize to her for that?

About fifteen seconds later I composed myself and asked her to promise me one thing:

Be kind to everyone and especially the kids who ride that bus.  Because those kids need warm smiles and happy hello's more than any of us.  Be friends with them because you will learn more from them than you will from anyone else.

She promised and then, in true 7-year-old fashion, switched right on to the next subject without blinking an eye.  Meanwhile, I sit at my island and write this and bawl my eyes out.

Did I say the right thing to her?  Probably not.  You would think that I would know how to respond to conversations like this considering everything I have experienced over the last ten months.  But I don't.

The truth is I still cannot believe how I got here.  I can't believe I had a stroke.  I can't believe my story has impacted so many people.  I can't believe how many people are just so good--like good right down to their core.  It is literally mind blowing.  My heart is so full that I feel like I could explode most days.  How can you say thank you for all of this?  Thank you isn't enough.  It doesn't do justice to how I feel.  But what can you say?

How can I respond when I still haven't adjusted to my new life; to Jamie 2.0?

My Anniversary Gift

I had been asking Patrick for quite some time to write his account and perspective of my stroke.  He never said no, but he also never said yes.  I never got the feeling from him that he was comfortable doing it.

On the morning of August 6, our nine year wedding anniversary, he surprised me with an 11 page bound book; his account of the week of my stroke.  I read it immediately and I cried the whole time.  He was completely honest.  Parts of it were hard to read, but whether it is hard to read or not doesn't matter.  The truth of the matter is that the last nine months have been hard and for us and to deny that is unfair.

To our daughters:

Someday you are going to be able to read my blog and learn about everything that I, and your father, went through.  I hope that you understand and appreciate my honesty.  It is my greatest wish that you will all realize who we really are and be proud of us for handling our adversity and struggles the way we have.

I will have your Daddy's book in a safe spot until you are ready to read it someday.

Until then, please know that everything we do, we do with your best interests as our number one priority.  We love you all the way to Grandma's moon and back.

Nine Years in the Books!

Today marks nine years since Patrick and I said "I Do."  Wow, does time fly.

I still remember the night I met Patrick.  I knew instantly that he was special and was pretty certain two months into our relationship that I had found the match God created for me.  The man that I would laugh with, cry with, fight with; the man that I would have children with and grow old with. 

The night he proposed to me is also something that is vivid in my mind.  He was so nervous that I could literally feel him shaking as he held my hand.  The night was perfect in many ways, but what made it memorable was his words after he popped the question and I had responded with a tearful yes.

As he gave me the ring he told me that he was only going to slide it half way on my finger and that he wanted me to put it on the rest of the way.  He explained to me that our relationship would always be 50/50; an equal partnership.  By both of us placing the ring on my finger, we were agreeing to share all our accomplishments and struggles together.  We were promising to always give each other more than what we expected in return.

I recall feeling cherished.  I was in utter disbelief that I had been so lucky to find him and even more lucky that he chose me to be by his side.

Our wedding day was even better.  We were surround by our family and friends and it was a gorgeous day.  It couldn't have been more perfect.  We said our vows that day completely oblivious to everything that was going to happen in our future.


                                   

Much has happened in nine years.  We have had many job changes, moved several times, and met many new friends.  But our proudest moments center around our four beautiful girls.  They have completed us and taught us so much about how to love and opened our eyes to the simplicity and beauty of life.  We are VERY busy, but I wouldn't trade our large family for the world.

April 2014, Photo Courtesy of Nancy Lukes of Lukes Photography

This year of our marriage was challenging for many reasons.  Never in a million years would we have expected that I would suffer a stroke and be diagnosed with a rare brain condition.  We had our disagreements, worries, and frustrations.  BUT we never faltered.  We relied and believed in our vows.  They mean more now than they ever did. 

This year and many of our upcoming years could bring even more struggles.  But, I KNOW they are also going to be filled with even more happiness and triumphs than ever before.  We will continue to be faithful, committed to our vows, and devoted to one another.  We will always have an equal partnership and I trust that if one of us needs to receive more than our 50%, the other will always be there to give a little more.

Over the years, and especially in the last nine months, there have been many times where I have looked at Patrick and felt like time froze and the world stood still.  Although we have aged and changed, I still envision the boy that always wore the Padres hat with the back taped with black electric tape to make it "fitted."  I still imagine the young man that was filled with vulnerability, faith, and love the days he asked me to be his wife and vowed to be by my side forever the day we wed.   I still picture the man whose eyes were filled with overwhelming joy the days his girls were born.  I still see the man that carried the world on his shoulders nine months ago.

I would say that I need to dream about them man he will become.  But, I wouldn't even know where to start.  He has already met and exceeded every dream I ever had of him.

 
Cheers to nine years, Patrick!