Six Month Anniversary and Transitioning to a Mom of FOUR!

It has been six months since my stroke and 2 1/2 weeks since Myah was born.  I feel like my world has once again been flipped upside down and turned on its side.  Unlike six months ago, it has been 100 % for the better this time.  Don't get me wrong; I am a better person since my stroke.  Jamie 2.0 was an upgrade in many different ways.  The birth of Myah, though, has been a blessing; almost a triumph in a weird way.

I have not really noticed any improvements in my stroke symptoms the last month.  My family and friends still tell me that the tracking of my right eye is becoming more and more normal.  I think I may be able to go down in prism strength at my next eye appointment on May 19 because I am seeing many of the lines in the prism again like I have in the past when the strength was lowered.  I still see double without my prism though.  My stiffness, fine motor function, and sensation have all remained the same.  I attempted to jog the other day and my leg felt like it weighed 100 lbs.  Plus, when I fatigue, I get even more stiff.

The greatest change has been in my overall comfort level.  It is amazing how much more agile I am now that I no longer am pregnant.  My balance is much improved and my energy level is up.  I can sleep on either side, my back, and my tummy so I am getting much more of a restful sleep.  I no longer have debilitating heart burn or pain from how she was situated inside the womb.  Plus, I just feel normal again which is huge for my confidence.

My neurosurgeon, Dr. Lanzino, came to visit us when we were at Mayo.  He was very impressed with my improvements and was optimistic about my condition.  He prescribed a MRI at the end of the summer to monitor my CM.  When we asked him if I had any restrictions, he responded, none at all.  I, of course, asked about doing Next Level again.  He laughed and said, "From one extreme to the next!  You have no restrictions, but just listen to your body."  He then told us that there is nothing harder on a body than being with child and I had done that amazingly well.  In my head I thought, "You haven't done Next Level!"  Now that I have recovered from the C-section and am shrinking in size, I 100% agree with that statement.  I cannot believe how much better I feel since delivering Myah and how much she was taking from me that I didn't even realize.

The last two and a half weeks haven't been free of struggle though.  First of all, the physical pain I was in from the C-section was stifling.  I could barely get in and out of bed, it hurt to cough, laugh, and sneeze, and even the slightest movements made me feel like my incision was ripping open.  My pain killers also gave me headaches which freaked me out.  I quickly stopped taking those and honestly felt much better without them in my system.  The pain from my incision also heightened my stroke symptoms.  Since I was so sore and sleep deprived, my left side became even more stiff.  My pronounced symptoms made me mental.  In the middle of the night, at my most exhausted, I would often worry about what would happen if I never improved or needed surgery.  I just couldn't turn my head off.  Even trying to focus on Myah and how blessed I was didn't help.  I was both physically and mentally weak.  To make matters worse, I was emotionally weak.  My C-section recovery had basically left me immobile which meant that Patrick was left to juggle the three older girls all on his own.  I felt worthless as a mother and a wife.  It was like having my stroke all over again.  All the insecurities came flooding back in.  I was a hot mess.

I admittedly have three major personality flaws.  I am stubborn as a bull, I am a control freak, and I NEVER ask for help.  I was so sore and tired, but did I let Patrick help with Myah at night?  Nope.  Why?  Simple - if I needed help, than I was failing.  Needing help meant that I wasn't capable.  If I wasn't capable, than I was sick.  I am sick, but I don't feel sick.  There is a huge difference.  Plus, like I mentioned earlier, I felt worthless.  The least I could do to help Patrick was let him sleep at night since he had to go to work.  But, my exhaustion and pain eventually got the best of me.  Like a mature adult, I would end up getting frustrated, wake Patrick up, and rudely tell him it was his turn.  Totally not his fault; like I said, I am too prideful to ask for help.  About a week after Myah was born, Patrick asked me if I would wanted to stop nursing Myah so he could help more and give me a break.  I realize that he did not say this to hurt me.  He knew I was struggling and this was the only way he could think of that would help me the most.  But, wow, it was like I was stabbed in the heart by that question.  Inside I felt like I was failing, now my husband thought it too?  Like I said, I know this is not what he thought.  But it is amazing how insecurities can twist your thoughts and perceptions of different situations.  Nursing Myah was the only thing I could do at that point.  What kind of a mother or a fighter was I if I was just going to give up on that too?

Eventually, I began to feel better.  I would say I woke up on Good Friday feeling infinitely stronger.  I now feel normal.  My incision looks awesome and my pain is completely gone.  As a result, my stroke symptoms are back in check.  My improved physical status has also brought me back to life mentally and emotionally.  I am no longer a hot mess.  I am focused on the beauty in my life and enjoy nightly feedings with Myah.  Yes, I am tired, but it is welcomed.  I am able to help with the girls and have begun to become more comfortable with venturing out with all four of them. I feel like I am their mother again.

So, how are we adjusting?  Life is crazy.  Life is loud.  Life is joyful.  Life is beautiful.  Patrick and I are tired, busy, and sometimes lose our patience but the simple things are just overwhelmingly blissful.  The way Seeri comforts her, Jaelyn sings to her, or the way Linden says, "Hi, Myah!," is just heart warming.  Myah has completed us and given us, especially me, hope.  Instead of worrying at night, I dream.  I dream about the future and what the girls will be like as women.  I picture Patrick and I growing old together and witnessing all the "firsts", weddings, and births of our grand babies.  I feel excited for the future instead of worried.

I have strived the last six months to "Do Better.  Be Better." for others and for myself.  Upon her birth, Myah instantly made the world better for me.  She continues to do so every day.  The little miracle that she is forces me to see the beauty in the world.  I don't think I will ever be able to ignore it again after everything I have been through the last six months.