I make every attempt I can to remain positive about my condition. I try to my best to stay optimistic about my recovery and free of worry about the cavernoma malformation that still remains in the Pons of my brain stem. I work very hard to realize the beauty and the blessings that are around me everyday. I am successful in my attempts 95% of the time.
I have always been a planner. So much so that sometimes I would be so busy planning for the future that I would forget to live in the here and now. Then I had my stroke and I didn't know if I was going to have much of a future to look forward to. I had no choice but to slow way, way down and enjoy the present. Now I am feeling better and am a bit more optimistic and I am beginning to look forward to the future again.
Here's the problem: now every time I think about the future my mind quickly follows my thought with, "But what if I bleed again and undergo surgery?" That thought makes me wonder if I should have surgery. If I did, then my CM would be gone, I would know what deficits I would be stuck with, and I could move on and stop worrying about how devastating another bleed could be. I immediately start picturing what I could possibly be like physically and mentally at that time and how my deficits could possibly affect my dream. It doesn't matter how hard I try to stop it. It is like an involuntary reflex.
Can you imagine how debilitating that is for a person's spirit? I am just stuck. I don't want to look back, but I can't move forward. I am just stuck. Yes, it is important to be present now, but it is also healthy to be allowed to dream. Dreams keep a person motivated to steadily move forward in life without worry. Dreams keep a person inspired and excited about life.
My dream is to be able to dream again. My dream is to be able to think about the future without needing to add a "what if" afterward. My dream is to live without worry. My dream is for my CM to stop controlling my life. My dream is to be normal again.
I just want to be able to dream.
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