I Am Tired of Being Strong....Or Am I?

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't fall back to sleep.  The last few weeks have been stressful and I am just unable to turn off my head.  In the last eight and a half months I have only broke down over my stroke and CM eight times.  Four of those days were the day I found out about my CM and the three days after.

Eight days is all I have given myself.

If I would have written my post last night, I would have explained how I had just gotten to the point over the last couple days where I was just tired.  I was tired of being positive.  I was tired of fighting.  I was tired of holding it together.  I was tired of being strong.  I was just tired.

My poor attitude continued once I got out of bed.  I knew it was a kickboxing day at NLXF and I wouldn't be able to join in.  On the way to the gym I browsed my Facebook news feed and ran across this quote.

The last line, "Before you quit, try." really struck a cord with me.  My entire recovery; in-patient rehab, out-patient rehab, the last month of exercising, has all been about trying.  I never knew what I was capable of until either my therapists made me do it or I did.   

So, you know what I did?  I KICKBOXED today!  (Mom--before you freak out--I went very slow, didn't hit hard, and was very smart about it.  I promise.)  I got to the gym, laced up my shoes, and went over to a bag.  I threw a few combos and roundhouse kicks to make sure my balance was good and I had enough control over my left arm and wrist so I didn't injure myself.  I felt good.  Really good.  Like I was the old me good.  I got Patrick, Downs, and Creed on board and away I went.

After workout, Patrick sent me this video clip, with the caption below it.  Yes, my husband is the most amazing person on this planet. 

 Watching videos from your rehab time at covenant and legitimately crying.  

You've come so far and I am so proud of you.  
You're a true fighter and inspiration J.

Wow.  Eight and a half months ago stepping over 6" cones was extremely difficult.  Today I kickboxed.  I kickboxed today.  I can barely believe it.  You want to know how that makes me feel.  STRONG.  PROUD.  ALIVE.   

As I have always said, I want to make sure that when I have a bad moment, I learn from it.  What did I learn today?  I learned that I am not tired.  I am a fighter.  I am strong.  That no matter how many bad moments I have I will NEVER let my stroke define me.

I don't just choose to wake up everyday and fight.  

Being a fighter is who I AM.