There have been many times when I am catching up with friends and they are talking about their lives when they say, "I am talking about......, and you have to worry about strokes and brain surgery. It probably annoys you when people complain about the problems in their lives when you have been through all of that."
It doesn't bother me in the slightest. The biggest reason why? It makes me feel normal. Like I am just like any other person. Plus, just because I have had an experience that has changed the way I think and feel about things, doesn't mean that I am perfect. I still get stressed, frustrated, and complain just as much as the next person. Most of all, though, these people are my friends. I want to listen to them and I want them to feel comfortable talking to me.
But, if I am being brutally honest, there is one thing that does drive me crazy; when people make excuses about exercise.
Exercise and staying active was a MAJOR part of my life. It always has been. When I had my stroke, I could barely walk, let alone run. It has been so hard and so heartbreaking to be unable to run with my kids, play ball, or teach them how to ride a bike.
But, I am not a quitter.
The last eight months I have battled back to being able to jog, jump, and do plyos. I have begun exercising again and it is like I am looking at a different person in the mirror. I watch myself do the exercises and I look completely normal. You can't even tell I ever had anything happen to me. But inside it doesn't feel normal. My left side feels like it weighs fifty pounds (this has improved from the 100 pounds it used to feel like a month ago). I basically feel like I am dragging my leg along. It is still difficult to control my left arm as it straightens or moves away from the center of my body. My muscle strength is still about a 1/3 of what it used to be. More than that though, is the shift in the way I talk to myself. I always used to tell myself to pick it up, that I wasn't tired physically--I was just tired mentally, I can do anything for a minute, etc. Now I tell myself to listen to my body, slow down, take a break, etc.
If I noticed my form was off, my brain would send that message and my body would correct itself without a second thought. That's not the case anymore. I literally have to think about how to grip the dumb bell/band, focus on centering my weight on both legs when I squat, pushing my left big toe in to the floor when I move so that I don't roll my ankle, and keeping my left arm still and in control as I move it away from my center. I can't just tell my body to do something and have it respond. It doesn't listen anymore.
I also feel the muscle fatigue immediately in a workout. I will never forget completing a leg day circuit that had 3, 1 minute bag sits as part of the burnout. I would stand up from those and not be able to feel my legs. Not like a, "wow, that was hard, my legs are gassed," but a, "holy shit, I can't feel my legs. They literally feel like stone." Don't even get me started about after a workout. After a hard leg day, I would normally be sore for about 2-3 days afterward. Now, it is more like 5-7 days. My body just doesn't recover the way it used to.
Now just take a minute to let all of that sink in.
It is so challenging for me to exercise, BUT I STILL DO IT.
Can you imagine telling your body to do something and have it not respond? Not like a, "try this new exercise and you can't for whatever reason", but a "grip a weight and make sure all five fingers curl around it," and then watch your fingers remain uncurled.
I took my body and my physical capabilities for granted. I have had many hardships to overcome. But being unable to do the things I used to be physically able to do, and trying to accept that, has been incredibly difficult.
I watch Patrick play with the girls, or watch my friends put up the big weight I used to, and I just break a little inside. I envy them so much.
So, when people tell me they don't have time to exercise, or say the don't know where to start, or whatever other excuse they give; when they take their abled body for granted, it breaks my heart. I would give nearly anything to have a body that listened and was able again.
I always knew that I had one body and I needed to take care of it. But now I am living in the realization that it can be taken from you even if you take care of it. Being fit saved me the night of my stroke, carried me through rehab, and is accelerating my recovery now.
I will never take it for granted again. Please don't let yourself take yours for granted either.
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