Let Go and Let God

I had a weekend for the books.  It started with the Daddy Daughter dance on Friday.  Patrick and the girls got all dressed up, he bought them flowers, and they had an absolute blast at the dance.  Even better, I got some one on one time with Myah cuddling in the chair and playing babies.

 

On Saturday, I woke up thinking that by this time next week I will be done with surgery.  Wow.  It made me panic a little and it ended up leading to a heart to heart conversation with my siblings that made my heart smile.  That morning was spent with a visit from my sister and her husband complete with flower delivery and a much needed nap.

Saturday night, my closest friends threw me a 'yeah, you're having brain surgery party!'  Yep, we are trendsetters.  IT. WAS. PERFECT.  I was humbled that they would even think to do this for me and it was exactly what Patrick and I both needed.  It was a night spent just being Patrick and Jamie; completely normal, lots of laughs, surrounded by THE most kind and loving human beings there are.

The girls loved this night too.  On short notice, their friends' parents and our neighbors took them in for a few hours for us.  They all came home on cloud nine.  We have only lived in Dike since September and EVERYONE here has treated us like family.  We debated moving to a small town for four years and now in the hardest time of my life I can say, with certainty, that moving here was one of the best decisions Patrick and I have ever made for our family.

Needless to say, I went to bed on Saturday exhausted, but wired.  I was overwhelmed in every way.  I was physically tired.  I have not been sleeping and do 'too much (my favorite words)' throughout the day.  I was mentally tired because my mind never stops racing about of all this.  And I was emotionally spent.  The amount of kindness, love, and support we have been shown has been mind blowing to me.  I feel like every five minutes Patrick is informing me of something new: you got this letter today, a neighbor just dropped this off, did you see that post?, so and so wants to do this for us........I feel UNDESERVING.  So incredibly undeserving.  So, Saturday night was spent laying in bed brainstorming ideas for Do Better.  Be Better. for when I get better.  Which is also never good for me because I'm not really an idea girl; I like to get right to planning.

I woke up on Sunday in complete GSD mode.  I sent emails, cleaned house, and did laundry......all before my family even woke.  Once they did wake, we spent some time cuddling and eating breakfast and headed to church.

Mass was much like the morning of my Do Not Be Afraid post.  I actually got to hear Father's homily.  And, let me tell you, I felt like God was talking directly to me.  What was it about?

Father posed the question, "How will you stand before God?"  How will you stand before God after you have been through all the trials and tribulations of life?  He explained that bad things happen and it is normal to ask, "why me?" and to desire to control the situation.  But, we cannot control the uncontrollable.  So, instead we must trust in God's love and protection.  We must trust in His plan.  

Um......yeah.  Out of EVERY lesson that could have been taught this is the one that I hear four days before I head in to surgery??  Unreal.

My head was reeling as we headed in to Cedar Falls for lunch.  We met our good friend, Brian, and his mom, Gail, for lunch and had a wonderful meal.  I ate my weight in chips and salsa.  When they left, they both gave us hugs and said some unbelievably kind things that, of course, made us emotional.  They took off and we stayed to wait for the check, which Brian had already paid for without us knowing.  This, as well as the gift his mom gave us, sent Patrick and I over the edge.  There we sat in Carlos O Kelly's crying while Myah jumped in the booth, Linden crawled under the table, and Seeri and Jaelyn stared at us like we were losing our minds.  Yes, our family has amazing restaurant etiquette.

Seeri and Jaelyn immediately asked what was wrong and I tried to explain that I was crying because I was so happy.  I then tried my best to explain that our friends were the nicest people in the whole wide world and we were very lucky to have them in our lives.  I followed that with, "Always be kind, girls.  Do you see how awesome if makes other people feel when you are?"

And those moments, the teachable moments with our daughters, are happening because of all of you.  I would have never had that moment if it wouldn't have been for the kindness of our friends.  We wouldn't talk about the hardships of other families or helping them as much as we do if I hadn't been inspired by all of you to start Do Better. Be Better.  You see, it's not just about the meals, and the messages, and the HUGE acts of kindness, it's about the fact that you are all helping me teach my daughters lessons about life that are truly important.  How on earth do I thank you for that?  How on earth am I deserving of that?  I have started to beg God to get me through this surgery so that He is able to use me however He deems fit to pay this all forward.

But to do that, I have to trust in the plan.  I have told many people in that last two weeks that I really do believe everything happens for a reason.  Do Better. Be Better. wouldn't exist without my first stroke, my blog wouldn't exist, and I would not be anywhere near the person, wife, parent, daughter, sister, friend, or teacher that I am today without it.  Same way with this stroke, if it wouldn't have happened everything that has transpired since wouldn't have either.  I, and nearly everyone around me, has become a bit different of a person for the better.  Plus, I would not have the opportunity to get this awful thing out of my head.

I need to Let Go and Let God.  Not just say it, but actually do it.  Because the reality is that no matter how much I worry or try to predict what will happen post surgery, I cannot control a single piece of it.  Nothing I fear will change how well Dr. Spetzler performs or how my body responds.  Nothing will change it.  So, why the hell am I torturing myself with this?  I need to stop and focus on the things that I can control.  Things like my positive attitude, my perseverance, and my fight.  I think that is a pretty good arsenal to have in my back pocket.

I leave you with this quote from the movie, The Good Dinosaur.  It was the last thing I heard as I drifted to sleep before my nap yesterday:

"Sometimes you gotta get through your fears to see the beauty on the other side."