So, this post came out of nowhere tonight. I have decided that as soon as something pops in my head, I am writing it and releasing it. I can't hold on to it right now.
I looked up the stages of grief. I would say that I am experiencing most of them. However, I would replace anger. I have never really been angry, because being angry is not really part of my nature. I would replace anger with guilt. Big time guilt.
With this stroke, I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt. About EVERYTHING. Let me list the ways:
1. I am an incredibly independent person. I am a control freak and I suck at delegating. I like that people can depend on me. I am a doer. My strokes take all of that away from me. I have to rely on everyone else and if I do "too much" (I HATE those words) I get mad because it just reinforces that I am NO LONGER ABLE. In other words, I am no longer me. I feel as though I am a burden; that I can't pull my weight. It eats at me.
2. When I am recovering or resting (I call this being helpless), I hear Patrick interact with the girls and listen to the busyness that accompanies it. I know how overwhelming and hard that craziness is to do all by yourself. I feel guilty that he is having to do it all on his own.
3. It saddens me that an amazing man, like Patrick, got handed the card of falling in love with someone who is sick. Especially, after losing his wonderful mother at such a young age. He knows what it feels like to be my kids and it kills me. It pains me that I cannot be healthy for him and live that perfect life, with a white picket fence,....who are we kidding? That doesn't happen anyway. But, I think you understand where I am going with this. Basically, I sometimes feel like I am not holding my end of the bargain, which is a terrible way to define marriage, but it's all I got at 2:43 a.m. with my Doritos and Mt. Dew by my side. He deserves so much more in life than to be dealing with all of this ALL of the time.
4. Similarly, I feel the same way when it comes to my kids. I am terrified that all they are going to remember from their entire childhood is their mommy being sick. Depending on how my story turns out, they may not remember the mom I once was that could run and play or do their hair......or whatever else my strokes or possible surgery may take from me. Not important stuff right......I beg to differ. Think about everything you can do......easily, without effort. Think of how your life would change if you couldn't...would you be okay with it? It angers me that they may not have a mom that can do EVERYTHING with them. And it makes me extremely envious of every mom that can. It is not fair to them.
5. And again, I feel this way for my parents. I couldn't imagine if I were going through this with one of my children. Parents are supposed to be the protectors, the fixers. And there is nothing that they can do to fix it. I wish so badly for them that weren't having to see all of this. But, they are amazing and selfless human beings that are by our sides every step of the way. They are also my heroes. And they are our daughters heroes.
6. And if you didn't already guess, I feel the same type of guilt for my family and friends. I hate that people have to worry about me, that they lose sleep over me, that they miss work for me, or come to the doctor with me. I hate that I make them cry. Please don't confuse that with, "I want you to hold in your emotions around me or keep your feelings from me." I am not a fragile piece of glass; this is hard and it sucks and it's okay that you cry. I actually prefer it so I don't look like such an idiot as I ugly cry my face off. Plus, I need to talk to you all. You are my people. You know me.
So, yeah. That about covers it for the night. Twenty minutes and I am done. Would have been faster if I could have seen through my tears.
Here is how I am going to end this one:
I promise to you that I will not lose my spirit. I will fight and I will come out of this stronger on the other side.
You promise to me that you will hold me to that.
Deal?
Jamie, we do not know each other but I heard about your story from NLXF-Des Moines. After seeing posts from Ryan I knew immediately that I wanted to do whatever I can to support you. That being said, I've been up since 230am because I have not been able to get you and what you are going through out of my thoughts. My NLXF class is at 5am and I know a group of us will be doing 50 burpees in your honor this morning. I wish I could do more at this time but know I am praying for you and your family. You will fight through this and you have so many supporters who don't even know you but care deeply about you, your family, and your situation! I couldn't help but get my 4 month old out of bed and cuddle him right now and I even went and laid with my almost 2 year old and squeezed him tight. Thanks for being such an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteJamie,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but you had my son in PE the year you got sick. While my situation is not the same as yours my feelings are similar. I live with Crohn's, a chronic disease that has its ups and downs. Some days I feel great. Others not so much. I have gone through periods of severe sickness, surgeries, hospital stays and daily pain. All while trying to raise two children. I too am a doer. I understand your need/want to do. I understand how hard it is to rely on others to do what you need/want to be doing. I understand the guilt of feeing like you are not able to be the mom, wife, friend and daughter you want to be. My best advise to you is exactly what you are doing. As hard as it may be - let it go. Write it down and sent it away. What it took me a long time to realize is that others want to help you. It helps them to know that they are able in small ways to release some of the burden on you. Replace the guilt with thankfulness that you do have so many who love and support you. As for being a mom - I told myself over and over - Be the best mom you can today. It may not seem like much some days but it's the best we have in the moment. I pray that our children will remember our spirit. How we never gave up. How we loved them deeply through our pain, guilt, fear, etc. That we never let anything stop us from loving them even in small ways on bad days. This is equally true for our husbands, friends and families. Jamie, please know that I am praying for you. I love reading your posts. I will continue to pray over them and ask God for healing for you. Stay strong. You are amazing. Your spirit is inspiring. Gods got you. Hugs! - Tammi Dean
Ladies, thank you. Your comments were exactly what I needed to read. One person telling me that my stroke is making a positive difference and another who can relate, understand, and offer great advice. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading your post this morning, through a shared post on Facebook, I was crying. I wish I had a way to put my thoughts together like you. I have felt guilt and a burden for so long because of my ongoing health issues and people having to cart me to work, or anywhere else I need to go. And, I wish you could teach me to do a "burpee". I am praying for you Jamie and your recovery is swift as the wind. You have a lot of life left to live! And, burpees too!
ReplyDeleteJamie, I sent you a PM about the doctor you mentioned in Arizona. Prayers are being said for you and your family. You are such an inspiration to so many. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. After my stroke, all my strengths were taken away and I felt the anger, shame and guilt. I was not the man my wife married, I couldn't power through the difficulties I normally could and I couldn't do the things a Father should with my 2 kids. But a miracle happened. My weaknesses became my strengths. I was not a great communicator with my wife and with her patience and my inability to walk away(literally) from our arguments, we grew closer and never been happier. My body forces me to slow down and my nerve pain makes me not over do things and it created more quality time with my kids. This stroke took things from me and I miss hunting and not feeling dizzy if I move too fast or getting to sleep on my right side(really miss that one) but I have received so much more. I didn't see it in the middle of my recovery or even the year after, but it was slowly revealed to me. I know how frustrated I would get when people would say this to me but "Be patient". You have a better understanding of yourself than I had in the moment and I know you will come out a better person for it. You and your family are in my prayers everyday. God has a plan for you. He just is giving you a piece of the picture at a time.
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ReplyDeleteThank you, Jamie, for your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable. I am so sorry I've completely clueless to everything you're going through. I'm not on facebook and living overseas complicates keeping in touch. Heather Z sent me your blog today. I've read through your posts and am completely overwhelmed by your spirit and strength. You are truly a fighter! Please know that I will be lifting you up daily. And praying that God will continue to be your rock and your refuge through the ups and downs. Sending love & prayers to you and your family. Steph Rasmussen
ReplyDeleteJamie,
ReplyDeleteYou probably wouldn't remember me-I was one of your Early Bird PE kids way too long ago now. You were that classically young, cool, teacher we all secretly idolized and wanted to be (Mrs. Smith got new Nike Air Maxes? I better step up my shoe game). We could have never fully appreciated then ever what a role model we had. The courage and character of you and your family is so remarkable. I've followed your blog and regularly pray for you and your family. Just wanted to drop you a note so you can know how big your ripple effect really is- you have impacted and inspired so many people. I'll continue to pray for you all and learn so much about facing adversity with humility, honesty, and persistence.
Jordan (Galles) DeNeve