Do Not Be Afraid

Posts like these are difficult for me to write.  I usually stare at my screen for ten minutes as a million thoughts race through my mind.  When I finally write something, I end up deleting it two minutes later.  It turns out that sometimes it's not easy to do my thoughts and feelings justice when I write.

But, here I go anyway.

Saturday night I experienced my first 'stroke day' since October 19, 2014.  I was completely fine all day long.  After the kids fell asleep, I settled in to watch Parenthood on Netflix and there was mention of a character having a stroke.  It jolted me.  This happens to me a lot actually.  Sometimes it is something as simple as a commercial that affects me.  Other times, it's my students or new people I meet asking me questions about my stroke.  Most of the time, it's a memory.  For example, the other day, Myah wore the maroon shirt with the cupcake and polka dots on it; that was the shirt that Linden wore the first time she saw me post stroke.  Usually I let myself feel it for a minute or two, take a few deep breaths, and move on.   On Saturday night that felt impossible to do.

I began thinking about what Patrick, my girls, my parents, my family, my friends, my students, acquaintances I've met......what would they say about me, feel about me, remember about me if something were to happen to me again?  HEAVY, I know.  But, I think it is a fair scenario for me to contemplate considering everything that I have been through.

It continued in to Sunday morning.  We went to church as always.  I am ashamed to admit that I do not hear much while I am there.  I am too busy being a disciplinarian, a negotiator, and a musical chairs officiant.  But on Sunday the girls were calm.  Jaelyn and Linden sat on each side of Patrick.  Myah cuddled on his lap and sucked her thumb.  Seeri nestled into my side.  The first words of Father's homily were, 'Do Not Be Afraid."

Before I go to much further, I have to say that I believe in God and Heaven.  I believe in signs from God and I try hard to listen to them.  I have to believe that after I pass I will go to this beautiful place where I will be reunited with everyone I love.  And that I will be able to watch down over everyone I love until they get there.  It's how I am able to accept and be at peace with what has happened to me.  And on some days, it's the only way I make it through.

Do Not Be Afraid.

My eyes welled with tears the instant he said it.  He went on to say that 'Do Not Be Afraid' is written a total of 365 times in the Bible, once for everyday.  He spoke of how Jesus is with us everyday and that we should not be afraid to follow him.  At the end of mass, he played the song, 'I Will Follow Him' from the movie Sister Act.  Patrick has told me many times that Sister Act was one of his mom's favorite movies.

I could barely hold it together.  It was exactly what I needed to hear after the night I had.  It was my sign.

Do Not Be Afraid.  

I was not going to write this post.  I had dealt with my feelings and I had moved on.  Then, yesterday happened.

Patrick and I heard the devastating news that one of his childhood friends, Brady, passed away in a tragic accident.  Patrick is from a very small town where everyone is either related to everyone or knows everyone.  Typical small town Iowa; typical, but beautiful and special.  Every time we go to visit, I am introduced to someone new and very quickly lose track of who's who.  However, I remember Brady even though I have met him less than five times.  I remember his outgoing personality and the smile that everyone speaks of.  And seeing how the news effected Patrick showed me that he must have been one of the best.  My heart breaks for his family, his friends, and the community.  

So, I ask this of you:  Tell people how much they mean to you.  Say I love you.  Say I appreciate you.  ALL THE TIME.  Experience everything you can.  Be joyful.  Be kind.  Make an impact.

BE REMEMBERED.