Why Me? vs. Why Me?: Giving Back

I have a clever friend who always like to define words to make a point in conversation.  It sounds silly, but it always brings a smile to my face.  I thought I would take a cue from him for this post.  

why

adverb \ˈhwī, ˈwī\

for what cause, reason or purpose

Why.  This word has become my most single hated word in the English language.  It is predominately used to ask a question:  Why is?  Why does, did, didn't?  Why have?  Why not?

Why me?

Why me?  It is nearly impossible to refrain from asking this question when tragedy strikes.  It is a natural reaction and it is damaging when asked too often.  Have I looked up to the sky or closed my eyes really tight in frustration or worry and asked 'why me?' in the last fourteen months?  

Absolutely.

Why did I have a stroke?  Why do I have a rare brain condition?  Why did it effect my vision?  Why did it happen at such a young age?  Why do I have permanent deficits?

Why did it happen to me?

It took me awhile to realize that the above question is completely selfish and awful to ask.  By asking it, I am inadvertently inferring that I wish it would have happened to someone else.  That is the last thing I would EVER wish for.  Plus, no matter how many times I ask the 'why' questions the answers to them never change.  They are fixed.    

So instead I have tried to ask 'why me?' in a different context.  As in, why have YOU chosen ME?  When I ask the question this way, my stroke, my condition, and my recovery become purposeful.  I find myself asking 'what can I do?' and 'how can I help?' much more often. 

My focus when I had my stroke was solely on surviving, recovering, and delivering Myah safely.  Once Myah arrived I became consumed with trying to decide whether I should have brain surgery.  In the midst of all of this, I was approached about the golf benefit, color run, scholarships, and the Do Better.  Be Better. Foundation.  I wasn't ready for all of that at that time.  Shortly after this initial meeting I found out that I was not a candidate for surgery.  I could finally move on.  Looking back, that meeting and those events sparked something in me.  I owe a huge thank you to Justin Urbanek, Kelli Snyder, my graduating class, Dunkerton Schools, and Cedar Falls Schools for lighting that fire.  

Over the last few months there have been more and more families that have been overcome with medical emergencies in our community.  I want to help.  And not only do I want to, but I feel like I am being called to.  Almost like maybe this was God's plan for me--like this is why I had my stroke.

I am finally ready.  Patrick and I are taking the leap and creating the Do Better.  Be Better.  Foundation instead of piggybacking with Cedar Falls Schools and Dunkerton Schools like we initially planned.  Our research on foundations thus far frightens us.  It is quite the undertaking that involves a lot of lingo that is way above my head.  We have some early plans in the works and I am extremely excited about this new road that my journey has produced. 

Maybe this foundation is what I have been aiming for.  Maybe it is my answer to the infamous 'why me?' question.  Maybe this is how I truly beat my stroke.  This is for sure how I shine my light and repay all of you for all the kindness you have shown me.  

This is how I can do better.  This is how I can be better. 

  
     

Team Addie and Team Elliot

I had a 'I used to' filled workout at NLXF last night and I left feeling incredibly defeated.  I was ready to throw a monumental pity party for myself.  And then I scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed and saw pictures of two young children that are battling cancer in the area.  Needless to say, the pictures and their stories screwed my head back on straight and refocused me on what truly matters in life.

I had a severe stroke.  I have a rare brain condition.  I am entitled to express anything I feel and those thoughts and emotions are justified.  BUT, does it really matter if I can sprint or roundhouse kick?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.

What matters is that I am alive--that we are all alive and given the chance everyday to experience the beauty of life.  Like the unbelievable sight of a sun dog on a cold day, the warmth of another persons touch, the joy from sharing laughter with friends, and the feeling of the unconditional love you have for your children and they have for you.

Those are the things that matter.  Those are the ways in which God shows me that He is with us all.

I, unlike these beautiful innocent children, lived 32 years of life before tragedy struck me.  I pray for them everyday.  I ask that you pray, or wish on stars, or cross all your fingers and toes--whatever you believe in--please do it for these children.  I also understand the power of positive support.  Please read their blogs, send them encouraging messages, deliver meals, buy support bands,....whatever you can do, whether big or small, will move mountains for these families.

Team Elliot Blog

Team Addie Blog

The bracelets that never leave my wrist.

   

Sun dog from Monday morning.  Photo credit: Mary Jo Vrba

 

I Used To, Can't Change It, and Just In Case

There are three moments in time: past, present, and future.  I have renamed these to: I used to, can't change it, and just in case.  Let me explain.

The most frustrating points in time are those where I am stuck in the 'I used to.'  When I am around my girls I have constant thoughts about how I used to be able to pick two of them up at a time, run with them, keep up with their energy, etc.  With Patrick I only have one thought that just plays on repeat in my head: I used to be the one he never needed to worry about.  At work I often think about how I used to play with the kids, play in faculty vs. student volleyball, set up equipment on my own, and just simply be GSD.  At NLXF, I look around the room and think, I used to lift that much, I used to be able to roundhouse kick, I used to be comfortable standing in the front of the room, etc.

I used to, I used to, I used to.

Then there are the beautiful moments where I realize, understand, and am content with the fact that I have no control over what happened or will happen.  My mind is not clouded by fear or worry and I clearly focus on what truly matters.  I live for the moment and allow myself to truly enjoy life.  I wish that were my every moment.

And then there is the painstaking state of the just in case.  I honestly cannot decide if this or the I used to is worse.  Everytime I pick up and carry one of the girls or give piggyback rides I immediately ask myself, "Should I be doing this?  Is this too much weight to pick up and hold?  I should probably put her down just in case."  If I feel 'off,' I contemplate whether I should tell those around me just in case. Every other minute of a workout at NLXF I tell myself to slow down or lift less just in case.  Should we really plan a vacation for a year from now just in case?  And the king of all the just in case....creating a brain surgery fund.  

Nearly every thought I have throughout the course of a day starts with 'I used to' and is followed by 'just in case.'

Where is all of this coming from?   It has always been there.  But it hit me hard yesterday at my neuroopthamology appointment in Iowa City.  My eye has now had a stable enough reading to pursue permanant options to remedy my double vision.  Great news, right?  Nope, not to me.  All I heard: "You are done improving from your stroke."  I then found out that my current prism strength would make my glasses as thick and as heavy as coke bottles if I had them ground in to my glasses lens.  So, needless to say, that option is out.  My second option is to keep my sticker prism I have now.  That option has been working fine, I just don't see the clearest for me to justify making it a permanant fix.  Finally, there is eye muscle surgery.  I would be put under as my surgeon would enter through the membrane of my eye and pull the muscles on the side of each eye to realign them and hopefully correct my double vision enough so that my brain could rewire the rest of the way and completely rid me of my double vision.  It would be an outpatient surgery and if all went well I would be able to go back to work in three days or less.   Better yet, it could be done as many times as needed just in case. It is an extremely common and routine surgery.  My surgeon completes thousands of them a year.

Sign me up, right?  No.  All I could think about as my doctor explained it was, what if my Cavernoma bursts from the stress of the anesthesia?  Which leads me to another crappy state of mind: being scared of EVERYTHING.

So I got home and ate my weight in Doritos and read through some messages to help lift my spirits.  One of my friends always responds to my worries by saying that she is sorry, but she's so glad I amhere.  She sent me this text before my eye appointment and as I re-read it last night I realized that she was right.  All that matters is that I am here.  I am alive.

BUT, if I truly have been living with this my entire life I shouldn't be scared.  I went 32 years without a bleed.  I played sports, had surgeries, flew on a plane, worked out hard....I lived without fear.  I have to try to do that now too.  

So, I woke up today and started fresh...again.  I spent the afternoon with some of my favorite people.

And when I got home I witnessed Myah and her first crawl.  Well, more like an army crawl, but either way she is beginning to move!

And after today I realize that it is ok to live in the I used to and just in case. Because sometimes they help me really appreciate the precious moments of life and the people that fill them.

ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

Do you know what today is?  No, it's not hump day.  ;)  Today is my one year anniversary!  I have lived one year stroke free.  It has been one year since my life changed forever.

I wrote the above paragraph on October 1, 2014.  I panicked as soon as I finished it because I thought I would jinx myself by jumping the gun on my anniversary date.  So I quickly logged out.

Today is October 10, 2014 and I find myself feeling the need to write.   I am not sure why.  I feel good, life is good, everything is good.  I was just drawn to my blog.  I read the first paragraph of this post and laughed at myself.  Really, Jamie??  Really.  You want your one year anniversary post to begin with a hump day joke?

The funny part is that I have been staring at my computer screen for twenty minutes since I reread that first paragraph.  When I ask myself what the last year has meant to me or how it has changed me, my mind instantly fills with a million memories, my heart aches as it relives the emotion, and my eyes well with tears.  I am not overcome with words, but rather feeling.  I am unsure how I can adequately describe this entire experience.  I should probably start by calling my stroke something other than an 'experience.'  Because it is not this 'thing I did once,'  It is my reality.  It is my story.

It is my life.

I have the popular Timehop app on my phone.  Everyday I receive a notification on the history of that day in the past years.  Lately I have obviously been notified about events that occurred very close to the date of my stroke.  These pictures and the words that accompany them make me smile because they are happy memories.  But they also break my heart and even make me tear up a little.  I look at these pictures and I see the time when life was easy; when I stressed about normal, irrelevant things.  A time when I looked normal and was healthy.

A time when I thought I was invincible.

Don't we all think that sometimes?  The infamous thought of, "That would never happen to me."  I did.  Especially since I was doing everything in my power to ensure I would have a healthy, long life.  I exercised, ate well, and got plenty of sleep.  But yet in one second everything changed and there is nothing I can do about it to change it back.

One of my greatest struggles to overcome this last year has been the loss of power and control over my own body.  The first few days I was in the ICU and stroke recovery floor I knew that my senses, functioning, and vision had been affected immediately.  However, I had no idea how bad until I had my first OT and PT session at the U of I toward the end of that first week.  In my first OT session, the occupational therapist asked me to tie the draw string on my pants.  For one minute I tried feverishly to tie that string and was sweating by the time I finished.  I looked down and just watched my hand
fumble.  My fingers couldn't even hold the string, let alone manipulate it.  I couldn't sense or feel the string in my hand.  I was trying to tell my hand and fingers how to move but I didn't even know what to tell it to do.  I had never had to instruct my hand on how to function; it always worked on its own.

What do I even tell it to do?

Right after my OT session came my first time with physical therapy.  We walked a total of maybe 30 feet and I was gassed by the time we finished.  I couldn't feel my left foot impact the ground and I could not hold myself upright on my own without falling to the left.  I have been very active and decently athletic my entire life and I couldn't even walk myself 10 feet to the bathroom without feeling like I had just ran a marathon.  

How am I going to do this?  What if I never get better?  How am I going to care for my kids and be the mom they need or the mom I want to be?  How am I going to be the wife and partner Patrick needs?  How is our family going to survive this?  How am I going to return to work?  Will I ever be able to exercise again?

How am I going to live like this forever?

Then came the first time I looked in the mirror.  My right eye was turned in towards my nose, wouldn't move laterally, and barely would blink on its own.  I had to wear a clip on my glasses to prevent double vision.  I was mortified.

How could Patrick even find me attractive anymore?  What will my girls think?  How am I ever going to be able to face anyone again?

But these things didn't even hold a candle to the debilitating fear I had about what my stroke had done to the innocent baby growing inside of me.

It is now October 15, 2014.  I broke down after I wrote the sentence above.  I started crying and couldn't stop and gave up on this post for a few days.  To this day I haven't really wrote about that part of my story yet.  I never will.  It is the part of my story that is only for Patrick, me, and our girls.  But today I scrolled through my Facebook news feed and noticed that it was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and it brought me back to my blog.  I have never miscarried or lost a child so I cannot relate and will never pretend to.  But, I do understand the agonizing fear of the waiting game of a high risk pregnancy. Nervously staring at the ceiling at every pregnancy check-up and ultrasound praying that growth is normal.  Panicking for a two hour car ride to the hospital because your scared you may not make it through delivery and never meet your child.  Waiting anxiously for every doctors checkup hoping that now that they are here, they stay healthy, develop normally, and live a happy life.

The game where I constantly pray that my stroke did not harm Myah.

And that was and always will be my greatest fear; that my stroke will ruin the lives of the ones I love.  I am mentally strong enough to handle the limitations I experience.  I can live with my double vision and crooked eyes, the stiffness in my left hand, the heaviness of my left foot, and the slightly impaired functioning that I still experience.  It is what it is, I can't change it, and I am just learning to make it my new normal.  BUT, if any of those things EVER affect my family or friends negatively, I am not sure I would be able to deal with it.  If I ever get to the point where I am disabled enough that I cannot pull my own weight or my deficits cause my daughters to be embarrassed of me......well, I would have become a whole new kind of mentally tough to be able to survive it.

It is now 3 a.m. on October 19, 2014 and I can't sleep.  Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had since my stroke.  I have begun to call my bad days, 'stroke days.'  I have not had the courage to write about a stroke day yet for many reasons.  And after yesterday I realize I am still not ready for that yet.  Yesterday was a stroke day on steroids and by the way the night is going I am afraid it might continue into tomorrow.  So in true fashion I am writing and praying that it will help me shut it down.

I have tried very hard to remain positive, uplifting, faithful, and strong throughout this last year.  I like to end each post on a positive note and with a fighting spirit undertone.  People have responded to that and, as a result, many blessings have been brought upon our family that I will be eternally grateful for.  But on the other side of that coin is the pressure I feel to constantly be 'on'; to never show the fear or worry that I occasionally do.  Sometimes I just need to have a bad day.  A day where I can admit how shitty it was to have a stroke, fight to get my life back, and live with a rare brain condition that could potentially cause it to happen all over again.  A time where I can feel it for a bit without seeing the pity in people's eyes or having someone immediately suggest I go to therapy.  I am allowed that after everything I have been through. 

Tomorrow begins the week that my life forever changed.  The Sunday prior to my stroke the Garbes side of the family celebrated Jaelyn and my mom's birthday.  That night is when Jaelyn started feeling ill which was what led me to believe that I had contracted the flu from her.  Low and behold we are celebrating their birthdays tomorrow which has me a bit freaked out.  Monday morning, at 9:35 a.m. will mark the one year anniversary of when I felt my head pop and about passed out as I walked through the weight room at school.  Parent teacher conferences are also this week.  Last year I didn't attend them because I was beginning to experience stroke symptoms.

Please.  Please God just get me through this week.

It is now October 20, 2014 and my 'stroke week' has started.  I made it past 9:35 a.m.  I was leading my students through a yoga routine as I watched 9:35 a.m. come and go.  I held my breath to fight back tears.  I returned to my office to find a text from Patrick at 9:36 a.m.  I am sure we were both watching the clock at the same time.  This is admittedly going to be a week full of tough memories for both of us.  Him and I will undoubtedly need to hold each other up to make it through it.

To say that the last place I want to be is at work this week in an understatement.  But life goes on.  Time passes, the seasons change, and we all age and change right along with them.  I can't be stuck in that week of October 2013 forever.  I need to keep moving forward and living my life.  I need to focus on the present rather than the past.  I can visit those memories, but I can't unpack and live there.

So I am going to do my best this week to celebrate my accomplishments, my health, and my family instead of drown myself in memories of the scariest week of my life.

It is now October 24, 2014. I have the day off of work today and I am began my 'strokeaversary' weekend with a full day at the spa.  This weekend Patrick and I will be heading to Clear Lake to spend some quality time together memorializing this last year.  Monday begins a new year.  A year that is full of happiness, blessings, and rejuvenation.

It is probably apparent at this point in this post that the last year has not been all butterflies and rainbows.  It is has been hard.  Harder than what most probably realize.  But, here's the thing: I am a fighter.  I have learned to take a challenge (if that's what a stroke is called) and kill it.  

Every step of the way I have had to start from the bottom up.  My physical limitations were stifling but my focus had to remain on everything I still had.  I had my memory, my cognitive functioning, my family, and my friends.  But, most of all, I was alive.  I could have died, but I didn't.  I didn't die.

I sure as hell wasn't going to act like I had.

I had a very clear picture in my head of what I still wanted my life....Patrick's life, my daughters' lives.....to be and I wasn't even close to ready to let it go yet.  I was 32--I had just started.

In the early stages my doctors always told me that I would experience the most improvement in the first three months and by the time a year hit any remaining deficits I had would be permanent.  I remember laying in my hospital bed dreaming of what my life would be like in one year.

How normal would I be?  

So began the battle of fighting back.  The struggle to remain faithful in God and believe my doctors when they would reassure me of Myah's health and the probability of my recovery.  The constant effort and mental strength needed to concentrate only on my improvements rather than everything that was still broken.  The desire to want to live even though my life had taken a different route than the one I had mapped out.

My will to LIVE was stronger than any challenge I faced.  I am happy to report that a year later I would classify myself at 95% normal functioning.  My largest deficit is still my double vision.  I do have stiffness, decreased sensation, and slight loss of fine motor functioning in my left hand.  My left leg is still a bit heavy and mechanical but doesn't prevent me from doing much of anything.  I am back to work full-time.  I am also the same wife and mother I always was and dreamed of being, if not a better one.  I am back at Next Level Extreme Fitness with no modifications other than I do not pull as much weight as I used to just to be safe.

Simply put:  MY STROKE HAS NOT STOPPED ME.  And if it is within my control, I WILL NEVER LET IT.  

I realize that I am incredibly lucky to be alive and be as well as I am.  My hemorrhage was very large and occurred in the most critical part of the brain.  I understand how damaging and life threatening another stroke and brainstem surgery could be.  I would like to believe that my outstanding health and mental strength carried me throughout my recovery, but I also recognize that there was a lot of luck and God's mercy involved.  I have no idea why I was spared or why I was blessed with an unimaginable recovery.  I do know that I am not going to spend the time I have been given asking why. 

I want to spend my time doing better and being better everyday.  I want to see the beauty and positivity in every situation.  I want to learn and grow as an individual, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.  I am going to appreciate every moment I have and every person that fills them.

If you have followed my story and have been reading my blog, you know of all the blessings that have been bestowed upon my family and I.  This post would go on for many more paragraphs if I mentioned them all, so I will refrain.  My writing has been a tremendous form of therapy for me and I have learned much about myself with every word I have scribbled.  You may have even learned a few lessons right along with me as you have read them.   

I do not know where I will stand medically a year from now.  What I do know is that I have an amazing support system; an amazing army.  If you would have told me that my life would look the way it does now a year ago after having a severe stroke, I would have laughed at you.  Life has taken such an inconceivable turn.  A turn that is better in many ways than it is worse because of all of YOU.  You have all made this year better than what I could have ever imagined it to be.  I am forever grateful for your support, encouragement, and love.  I will never be able to repay you all for everything you have done for my family and I.  What I can do is show you through my actions how much you have all inspired me to change and grow.

I can DO BETTER.  I can BE BETTER.

Cheers to ONE YEAR beating my stroke.



Some of our family photos taken October 2014 by my brother, Nathan!

      

First Annual "Do Better. Be Better." Color Dash

Saturday, October 11 was the first annual "Do Better.  Be Better." Color Dash.  Portions of the proceeds raised will go towards a scholarship for a graduating senior at Dunkerton High School, my alma mater, and Cedar Falls High School, my place of employment.   The race will be hosted by Cedar Falls High School next year and held in Cedar Falls.

Before I go too far, I would like to thank Justin Urbanek, Dunkerton Leadership, the City of Dunkerton, Dennis Magee, Kelli Snyder, Erin Gardner, and Cedar Falls Student Senate for all of their hard work organizing this event.  I also want to thank everyone who participated in the run or donated.  

In my previous post, Jamie Smith's "Do Better.  Be Better." Foundation, I wrote about how I learned of the color dash and how absolutely humbled and honored I was.  It is just absolutely wild to think about how much my life has changed!

The day was absolutely gorgeous and perfect weather for a run.  My family and friends all picked up our registration packets and got suited up.  Then, of course, the picture taking began!

Shortly before the race, Dunkerton's principal, Justin Urbanek, welcomed us all, explained the purpose of the event, and introduced me.  I said a few words about my condition and recovery and it was time to start the race!

The route took us through town.  Spread sporadically throughout were students from the Dunkerton Leadership Group and Cedar Falls Student Senate armed with color packets that they threw on us.  Seeri rode her bike along side Patrick as he ran.  Jaelyn and Linden walked with me, my mom, sister-in-laws, and brother.   The girls were a bit reluctant to run through the color at first but quickly grew to love it!  Eventually, Jaelyn decided she wanted to run and took off with my brother.  At the end of the race everyone who participated threw a bag of color in to the air to create a giant color bomb.

 

IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!  I enjoyed the quality time with my family and friends and reveled in the giggles and excitement of our girls.  It meant the world to me to have all of them there supporting me and the scholarship fund.  It was simply perfect.  That is the best way I can describe it.

It was a perfect day.

  

  

First Annual "Do Better. Be Better." Golf Benefit

Over the course of the last eleven months I have had many moments, days even, where I walk away from it feeling fulfilled, loved, joyous....BLESSED.  After everything that I have been through it would be easy to assume that I would have more days that are filled with worry and despair.  Not even close.  Why?

I have one hell of an AMAZING army.

Everywhere I turn there are people offering me warm smiles and hugs, thoughts and prayers, and wearing the support shirts and bands.  These things, although small, are HUGE driving forces in my recovery.  So, imagine what the big honors do?!?!  Like, say, a golf benefit thrown for my family and I by my graduating class.  Gestures like these literally lift me up.  They even nearly make me forget what happened and make it easier for me to dream about a future that is stroke and surgery free.  That feeling alone is a tremendous gift.

The first annual "Do Better.  Be Better." golf benefit was Saturday, September 20.  I was a nervous wreck leading up to the benefit for many reasons.  As I have mentioned, I hate being the center of attention period.  Add to that being in the forefront around people I haven't seen in a long time or who haven't seen me since my stroke and my stomach was all sorts of twisted.  Then there is always that feeling of self consciousness about the way I look and function.  I really wish I didn't care, but I do.  I know that people assess me when they see me and that is not their fault.  It is a totally natural and expected thing to do.  I just wish I didn't do it to myself.  My biggest source of worry though.....

Did I really deserve something like this?  Am I worthy of it?  How can I accept something like this from people who I have allowed myself to lose touch with?  I am so disappointed in myself for that.

Don't get me wrong.  I am damn proud of how far I have come and I have worked very hard to ensure that my stroke does not define me.  But I really struggle sometimes with every honor, award, and compliment I receive.  Why?

Because I honestly believe that many of you would respond exactly the same way that I have.  You may not have chosen to share as openly as I have to everyone, but I guarantee you would have to those closest to you.  Is what I have done really that special?  I am not so sure.

What I am sure of is how completely humbling the last eleven months have been.  Saturday was no exception.

I walked in to Wapsie Ridge Golf Course not really knowing what to expect.  I was blown away.  I was greeted by many of my classmates who were hard at work organizing the upcoming day.  I had no idea that they were all behind it, which immediately made me feel awful because I had not publicly given them the credit they deserved.  It was evident as I looked around the clubhouse that they had put so much effort and thought in to the event.

They had silent auction items, "Do Better.  Be Better." Bondibands, coasters, and t-shirts, door prizes for each hole and the winners, 50/50 raffle tickets, donation boxes, the "Do Better.  Be Better." color run registration forms, the social hour and dinner.....the list goes on and on.  I instantly realized how much behind the scenes planning and meeting they must of all had to do and I was in awe of them.  I remember them as kids--playing on the playground, goofing around at school--now they are planning full blown benefits??  What?!?!  Not only was I an awe, but I was down right proud of them.  They literally killed it folks.  The day was flawless, minus the little rain shower  ;-)

I spent the day catching up with many of my childhood friends.  I also cruised the course and chatted with everyone as they golfed.  Sixteen teams, consisting of many of our closet friends and loved ones, were in attendance.  It ended up being great weather.  I couldn't have asked for anything more.

After the tournament, awards were given and dinner was served.  Our remaining family members and more of our closet friends arrived.  I was deeply touched that they would all come to support Patrick and I.  Every time a new person would walk in my heart would fill more and more.

Before the auction ended, Patrick and I spoke.  I basically give speeches everyday, all day at work; you would think it wouldn't phase me in the slightest.  But, wow, I get so, so nervous.  I was terrified of breaking out in an ugly cry and flushing from head to toe.  I should cry; it has been an emotional eleven months and this benefit was a extraordinary honor.  I made it roughly a minute before I had to gather myself.  I pulled myself together and made it through.  An interesting thing happens when I talk about my stroke.  Its almost like my mind just flips a switch; like it separates itself from my heart.  I am sure that talking and writing about it as much as I do has helped.  Poor Patrick, though; I never flip the switch around him.  He sees the flat out ugly cry a lot!  Regardless, it is my hope that everyone in attendance understood how deeply honored, humbled, and loved I felt.

When I reflect back on those first two days in the ICU, I distinctly remember feeling blessed even though I was experiencing something horrible.  I tried my best to communicate that in the first paragraph of my very first Facebook post after my stroke.

I wanted to say thank you to all my family and friends. Your generosity and kindness has overwhelmed me. I have been praying that God saves a special place for all of you in His kingdom. You have motivated me to do better and be better. I am starting today. I love you all. I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

I was overwhelmed by everyone's generosity, kindness, support, and willingness to help.  I was inspired by it all.  I clearly recall thinking to myself, "I have been given a second chance at life.  I need to do better and be better this time around.  I need to be more like all of these people."  Needless to say I find it ironic that I am praised for everything I have done and how I have handled my stroke when my army is the reason why I have done it the way I have.  People like you, people like my classmates; my childhood friends, deserve ALL of the credit.

Dunkerton Class of 1999 (well, 11 out of the 42 of us!)

So, to sign off, I want to express a heartfelt thank you to the Dunkerton Class of 1999, namely April, Riann, Katie, Shane, Bryan, and Clint.  They all helped orchestrate the event that day and I appreciate it greatly.  And especially, Kelli, who took the ideas of Shane and Bryan and ran with it.  Not only for just this event, but also for the work you are doing for the color run and scholarship.  You are simply amazing.  To the rest of my classmates: I know that many of you were unable to make it, but were there in spirit and sent me messages.  I also know many of you helped give ideas, donated items, or sent your parents on your behalf to support me.  Thank you.

You are all amazing people and I have been blessed to grow up with all of you.

Thank you also to everyone who attended the event, donated auction items, and to Wapsie Ridge Golf Course for hosting all of us.


Register here if you are interested in running in the "Do Better.  Be Better." color run 5k!

Kelli and Riann modeling the 'Do Better.  Be Better.' Bondibands.

Photo op with Ron Steele, friends, and family.

Golf selfie with some of the Smith clan.

CFHS Tiger Hi-Line Artcile Update

The school newspaper, Tiger Hi-Line, wrote an article about my return to school.  Please click on the link below to read it.

Do Better. Be Better. PE teacher affirms her mantra as she returns from stroke

11 Month Anniversary

Eleven months post stroke.  Where has that time gone?  I re-read last months update and to be honest, there isn't much more to report. 

I am staying constant on the physical side of things.  I still have double vision and stiffness in my left hand and foot.  My left leg is a bit mechanical and heavy and my eyes look pretty close to normal.  At this point, I feel like the deficits I have are probably permanent.  I am lucky that none of them affect my daily living or functioning.  I have to be careful and am unable to do some things.  But, I can live without everything I can't do.

Work has been very busy and a bit stressful which worries me at times.  I believe that stress was a major factor contributing to my stroke in October so I fear that I am making myself more susceptible to another one.  I like working and staying busy.  The problem is I get caught up in everything I used to do; how much I used to juggle and I just can't do that anymore without feeling my stroke symptoms flare up or getting a massive cold and fever.  It has gotten much better since the beginning of the school year too.  It also helps that our building has cooled off a little bit.

Other than that, I am at about 95% functioning.  I would love to run the "Do Better.  Be Better." color run 5k but I am not sure if I could.  I know I could handle the cardiovascular aspect but I am unsure of how my leg would feel ten minutes in.  I complete hour workouts at NLXF, but everything we do is short bursts of energy for three minutes or less.  Endurance running is a little bit different beast.

I continue to pray everyday for my health.  I wish so badly to remain stroke and surgery free.  I am truly grateful for every month I get to write one of these updates.

Cheers to 11 months beating my stroke!

Jamie Smith's "Do Better. Be Better." Foundation

I have mentioned many times how my first Facebook post came to be, why I proceeded to post to Facebook, and how all of that eventually led to creating my blog.  There have been many times when I have wondered if I was being too honest or feared whether I was being too self indulgent by assuming people would even be interested in my story.  In the end though, I selfishly continue to write because it is an amazing form of therapy for me.  More importantly, I want to chronicle this time of life so our girls can read it when they get older.

Could I write without sharing it with others?  Absolutely.  I have contemplated doing that many times.  But if I did that I would have never met Sara, Greg, or Jonathan, whom I had an email from this morning.  He is 25, has what I do, and just suffered from his first bleed.  So now my writing has become just a little bit more than expressing my feelings.

I have always said that I want my stroke, as terrible as it was, to be something positive and something that I learn from.  Over the last two weeks I have been given the opportunity to really run with that idea.

I have to be very clear in stating that what I am about to write was NOT my idea AT ALL, but rather of some very special people that make up my army.  ALL of the credit goes to Kelli Snyder (my childhood friend), Dunkerton's graduating class of 1999, Justin Urbanek (principal of Dunkerton), the leadership/student governments at Dunkerton High School and Cedar Falls High School, and Erin Gardner (friend and co-worker).  I am sure there are many, many more people that have helped that I am not aware of.  I want to extend my gratitude to them too if they are reading.

At the end of July I found out that my graduating class was hosting a golf outing for my family and I.  This outing is on Saturday, September 20.  There will be a golf tournament, social hour, and supper.  I wrote in an earlier post how absolutely blown away by this I was.  I honestly still haven't been able to wrap my head around it.

Two weeks ago I was informed by Patrick that he had received a phone call from Justin stating that the benefit had grown in to something much bigger.  Dunkerton schools was planning to host a 5k color run and school carnival in effort to raise funds to create a scholarship to be given to a graduating senior every year.  The run and scholarship would all be named after my motto, "Do Better.  Be Better."

What??  I asked Patrick three times if he was kidding.  When I finally realized that he wasn't joking, I put my hand over my mouth and just cried.  I was so overwhelmed.  I had to be dreaming.  I had to be.  I was absolutely blown away by their generosity.  I was incredibly humbled by this huge honor.  And, to be honest, I was a bit ashamed.  After everything that everyone has done for us, I should have been the one to take the initiative to create something like this; to give back.  I just didn't have it in me though.  There are still some days where I feel like I am only keeping my head just above the water.

Two days later Patrick surprised me yet again.  He told me that he had talked to Justin again and now Cedar Falls High School was also going to give out a  "Do Better.  Be Better." scholarship every year.  The two schools were going to collaborate and take turns hosting the run and carnival each year.  I started bawling before Patrick even finished telling me.  My heart felt like it was bursting.  I for sure had to be dreaming now.

How did I get here?  How has my life gotten to this point?  It is unbelievable.

Last week we met with Kelli and Justin.  They showed us the flyer and registration form for the color run that had been completed so far and discussed the details.  Knowing that I hate being the center of attention, they also wanted to make sure that this was something I wanted to do.  They did not want to force it on me.  How could I say no to this?  First of all, it is an amazing honor, but it is also exactly what I wanted my stroke to become; something good, rather than devasting.  I LOVE the idea that a graduating senior from each school will be recognized by a scholarship for exhibiting the characteristics that the "Do Better.  Be Better." motto stands for.  I am thrilled that kids from two different districts are collaborating for a great purpose.  And a color run is right up my alley!

Since the meeting Patrick and I have decided to create, Jamie Smith's "Do Better.  Be Better." Foundation.  This is still in the beginning stages because forming a foundation is a teensy bit intense. The other night we were sitting in bed researching what we would need to do when we both just stopped, looked at each other, and said, "Can you believe we are doing this?"  All I did was have a stroke, choose to fight, and honestly write about my feelings.  There are other people in our community like Ed Thomas and Taylor Morris, whom I both consider to be heroes, that have and deserve events and accolades like these.  I do not feel like I am even close to the same level as them.

To say my life has changed in the last 10 months is a massive understatement.  I feel like I am living in an alternate universe most of the time.  I can't believe I had a stroke when I was pregnant, that I delivered Myah full-term and healthy, that I have a blog, and that my story has impacted so many people.  It literally blows my mind.  I can't even fully explain it.

I am very excited about traveling down this new road though.  Thanks to my army my stroke will be remembered in a positive light.  I will forever be indebted to them for that.  I truly believe that these events are just the beginning of what the "Do Better.  Be Better." Foundation will do.

God is good.  He continues to remind me of how gracious He is.  He speaks the loudest through the people He has put in my life.  If I have learned anything over the last ten months it is that the people in your life are the only things that are constant.  Treat them like they are treasures; whether big or small, your actions will always be what inspire them to do better and be better.

10 Month Anniversary

This month has been CRAZY!  Jaelyn got her tonsils out, I had an eye appointment, and we celebrated many events: our friends' weddings, our anniversary, Seeri's birthday, my Dad's birthday, and my sister's bachelorette party and bridal shower.  I have continued to attend Next Level and make improvements with my coordination.  I have also been honored with some pretty huge life altering events (more on that later).  And of course, I returned to work!  Whew!

My eye appointment was on August 8.  My eye improved again.  I am now wearing a 15 strength prism.  We discussed eye muscle surgery and having my prism ground in to my glasses.  If I have eye muscle surgery my eye would be re-centered but it is not a guarantee that it would correct my double vision.  My doctor thought it would considering it has improved so much that they wouldn't have to tweak it much.  But, to me, the only perk of surgery was that I would be able to wear contacts again.  If that is not a guarantee than I don't think I want to have surgery on my eye muscles because that just sounds scary and unnecessary really.  My eye is barely noticeable anymore.  So I am thinking I will just have my prism ground in to my lens.  If that was done, the lines that are visible from my prism would no longer be there; my lens would be clear just like my left side.  I cannot have anything done until my eye has been stable for six months.  The next time I go back to the doctor is November 14.

The way my left side feels still remains the same.  It is still a bit stiff and heavy but my functioning has improved.  I feel pretty darn close to normal with everything that I do with my upper body.  My lower body coordination has improved a bit.  Left roundhouses are feeling a bit more normal and I feel like I can control my leg snap a bit more.  I can do two roundhouses in a row and even do a left to right or a right to left roundhouse.  I can only do one, but that is more than I could do two weeks ago!  I have had three big accomplishments: I can now do a real burpee; no more modifications!  I can do push-ups on my toes (about five to eight depending on how gassed my arms are from previous exercises).  And on Tuesday, I was teaching my Cross Training class and I needed to demo running lunges.  I said, "I can't do these yet, but take this movement (as I demonstrated a stationary walking lunge) and add a little jump to resemble running."  The next thing I knew I was doing a running lunge.  I literally stopped, looked at my legs and said, out loud, "Oh my gosh, I just did a running lunge!"  I was completely caught up in the moment and was snapped back down to earth when I looked up and realized that my entire class of kids was clapping for me.  I about cried.  It was a very special and beautiful moment for me.

The greatest change this month has been my return to work.  I have missed my co-workers greatly.  I also missed the kids.  But, it has been very hard.  The first week back I hit the ground running just like Jamie 1.0 used to.  On Thursday morning I was terrified to start school.  I just prayed so hard that I would be able to handle it physically, but more so emotionally.  I am teaching sophomores this year for the first time in a very long time.  None of them know me or my story.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell them about my stroke or start fresh.  Eventually I decided that my stroke was a major part of who I am and it would be wrong to ignore that and keep it from them.  It was incredibly difficult over the course of Thursday, Friday, and Monday to have to re-tell my story over, and over, and over.  I was exhausted from it and I got a little bit of a head cold.  Half way through the day on Friday I began to get a little light headed and by the end of the day my left hand was tingling like crazy.  I was worried.  My symptoms had not been that strong since my days of therapy.

I got a lot of rest over the weekend and battled back by Monday.  However, it was so hot in our building and my body just wasn't ready for the physical, mental, and emotional demands that are a part of being a teacher.  On Wednesday I noticed I was getting a runny nose and I quickly chalked it up to allergies.  On Thursday I woke up very congested after getting about three hours of sleep.  By the end of the day on Thursday I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  I continued to get worse throughout Thursday night.  I had a fever from 6:30 p.m. to 9 a.m. that would break and then return after the Tylenol/peppermint oil wore off.  I got no sleep and quickly realized my body was done.  I ended up staying home from work on Friday.  I slept for about four hours, ran an oil diffuser, drank tons of hot chocolate, and barely left the bed.  I was so frustrated and felt like I was letting everyone down by not being able to go to work.  But, not only did I need to listen to my body, I had to listen to my body.  It has become apparent to me that a severe cold and fever is how my body now reacts to stress.  These colds really knock me down, but it could be way worse so I will graciously accept it

So far this week has gone well.  I still have remnants of my cold but my energy is holding up and I feel strong.  I am hoping that my beginning struggles were a result of my body just needing to get used to the new strain, just like with everything else "new" that I have introduced over the last ten months.

The next two months leading up to my one year anniversary are going to be just as busy.  But I am so excited for what they will be filled with.  I can honestly say that my life has done a complete 180.  Something very bad happened to me but it is very quickly becoming one of the more amazing things also.

Cheers to another month of beating my stroke!

Our Mary Poppins!

Patrick and I realized shortly after my diagnosis that it would be best for me to have some help over the summer when the girls were home.  We wanted to reduce my stress and be able to provide a fun and activity filled summer for the girls.  Even if I were 100% healthy having four kids and all of the organization and craziness that comes with them would still be overwhelming!

We started looking for a live-in nanny in January.  We had many great applicants, although very few wanted to take us up on the live-in option.  There were also quite a few that wanted quite a bit of money per hour and we just couldn't justify the expense considering I would still be here all day.

One girl came highly recommended from our friends at Wartburg; yep, she bled orange!  She was already a winner in our book!  We set up an interview with her shortly after.  She came over to our house, had pizza with us, played with the girls, and discussed the position.  She was leaving for a mission trip, but promised to get back to us the following week.

The instant she left Patrick and I turned to each other and said simultaneously, "I want her to be our nanny."  She was perfect.  We could tell instantly that she was going to fit right in.  We agreed that we were not going to interview anyone else until we heard back from her.

So we prayed.  We prayed that she liked us back just as much and that she would be willing to stay with us.

To our surprise, she called back before the end of the weekend.  She informed us that she would like to take the position and that she would live with us.  Or as she explained it, "I feel like God is calling me to help your family."

Miss Cailee Jo moved out on Monday after nearly three months with us.  We miss her already.  Having her here with us allowed us to have a summer that wasn't affected by my stroke.  The girls were still able to enjoy the pool, park, and other favorites.  And because of her help I never felt stressed or like I was letting them down.  Plus I was able to go shopping without kids sometimes.  All of you busy moms out there understand my excitement about that!

Cailee is an AMAZING person.  She has a beautiful spirit, a kind heart, and strong faith.  Her positivity and bright smile is infectious.  She treated our girls like family and always came up with fun activities to do with them.  I am sure they will never forget make-over night!  There is no doubt in my mind that she will be successful in life. 

But, my most favorite thing about Cailee are words that she once said to me:

"It just goes to show you that if you follow God's path, be faithful, and do the right thing, He will always provide for you."

You couldn't be more right Cailee Jo.  And when I hear things like this from people I love it inspires me to do better and to be better.  Thank you for that.

Miss Cailee Jo:
We will be seeing you!  Keep us updated on your performances because all SIX of us will be there cheering you on!  I wish you and Tanner a lifetime of happiness and blessings!  Oh, and happy wedding planning and senior year!

Oh, and I wish we would have taken more pictures together!!

Being silly---the girls always laughed when she did funny stuff with her hair!

Our Adventureland and Zoo Vacation.  Cailee and Seeri rode all the rides together!

Random gymnastics tricks!

Hanging out--crazy eyes JJ!

Snuggling with Myah--last day with the girls.

 

Seeri's 7th Birthday!

On Friday, August 8, our oldest daughter, Seeri, turned SEVEN!  Where does the time go??!!

I had an eye appointment in Iowa City that day so Patrick and I decided to take her with us so we could spend some time with her.  My eye appointment took four hours and she was such a trooper!

                                                             Waiting room selfies!!

After that we drove to Hope's Bridal to pick up my bridesmaid dress for my sisters wedding.  We ended the day by going to dinner as a family to Brown Bottle, opening presents at home, and enjoying the homemade cupcakes she made.

Sunday, August 10, we went to Pepper's with my side of the family to celebrate her birthday and my Dad's 64th birthday.  She opened up her presents and we even walked across the street to enjoy some Dairy Queen after supper.

On Sunday, August 24th, we celebrated her birthday again with a party at Claire's with her closest friends.  It was make-up themed and to say the girls had a blast is quite the understatement.







Little Miss Seeri Eileen: you are truly special.  I adore your loving nature, your cautious approach, and your curious demeanor.  You were a surprise to your Daddy and I; the best surprise we have both ever gotten.  I cannot wait to watch you grow up in to a beautiful young woman!

We love you Seeri girl!