Do Better. Be Better.: First Annual "Do Better. Be Better." Golf Benefit

Over the course of the last eleven months I have had many moments, days even, where I walk away from it feeling fulfilled, loved, joyous....BLESSED. After everything that I have been through it would be easy to assume that I would have more days that are filled with worry and despair. Not even close. Why?

I have one hell of an AMAZING army.

Everywhere I turn there are people offering me warm smiles and hugs, thoughts and prayers, and wearing the support shirts and bands. These things, although small, are HUGE driving forces in my recovery. So, imagine what the big honors do?!?! Like, say, a golf benefit thrown for my family and I by my graduating class. Gestures like these literally lift me up. They even nearly make me forget what happened and make it easier for me to dream about a future that is stroke and surgery free. That feeling alone is a tremendous gift.

The first annual "Do Better. Be Better." golf benefit was Saturday, September 20. I was a nervous wreck leading up to the benefit for many reasons. As I have mentioned, I hate being the center of attention period. Add to that being in the forefront around people I haven't seen in a long time or who haven't seen me since my stroke and my stomach was all sorts of twisted. Then there is always that feeling of self consciousness about the way I look and function. I really wish I didn't care, but I do. I know that people assess me when they see me and that is not their fault. It is a totally natural and expected thing to do. I just wish I didn't do it to myself. My biggest source of worry though.....

Did I really deserve something like this? Am I worthy of it? How can I accept something like this from people who I have allowed myself to lose touch with? I am so disappointed in myself for that.

Don't get me wrong. I am damn proud of how far I have come and I have worked very hard to ensure that my stroke does not define me. But I really struggle sometimes with every honor, award, and compliment I receive. Why?

Because I honestly believe that many of you would respond exactly the same way that I have. You may not have chosen to share as openly as I have to everyone, but I guarantee you would have to those closest to you. Is what I have done really that special? I am not so sure.

What I am sure of is how completely humbling the last eleven months have been. Saturday was no exception.

I walked in to Wapsie Ridge Golf Course not really knowing what to expect. I was blown away. I was greeted by many of my classmates who were hard at work organizing the upcoming day. I had no idea that they were all behind it, which immediately made me feel awful because I had not publicly given them the credit they deserved. It was evident as I looked around the clubhouse that they had put so much effort and thought in to the event.

They had silent auction items, "Do Better. Be Better." Bondibands, coasters, and t-shirts, door prizes for each hole and the winners, 50/50 raffle tickets, donation boxes, the "Do Better. Be Better." color run registration forms, the social hour and dinner.....the list goes on and on. I instantly realized how much behind the scenes planning and meeting they must of all had to do and I was in awe of them. I remember them as kids--playing on the playground, goofing around at school--now they are planning full blown benefits?? What?!?! Not only was I an awe, but I was down right proud of them. They literally killed it folks. The day was flawless, minus the little rain shower ;-)

I spent the day catching up with many of my childhood friends. I also cruised the course and chatted with everyone as they golfed. Sixteen teams, consisting of many of our closet friends and loved ones, were in attendance. It ended up being great weather. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

After the tournament, awards were given and dinner was served. Our remaining family members and more of our closet friends arrived. I was deeply touched that they would all come to support Patrick and I. Every time a new person would walk in my heart would fill more and more.

Before the auction ended, Patrick and I spoke. I basically give speeches everyday, all day at work; you would think it wouldn't phase me in the slightest. But, wow, I get so, so nervous. I was terrified of breaking out in an ugly cry and flushing from head to toe. I should cry; it has been an emotional eleven months and this benefit was a extraordinary honor. I made it roughly a minute before I had to gather myself. I pulled myself together and made it through. An interesting thing happens when I talk about my stroke. Its almost like my mind just flips a switch; like it separates itself from my heart. I am sure that talking and writing about it as much as I do has helped. Poor Patrick, though; I never flip the switch around him. He sees the flat out ugly cry a lot! Regardless, it is my hope that everyone in attendance understood how deeply honored, humbled, and loved I felt.

When I reflect back on those first two days in the ICU, I distinctly remember feeling blessed even though I was experiencing something horrible. I tried my best to communicate that in the first paragraph of my very first Facebook post after my stroke.

I wanted to say thank you to all my family and friends. Your generosity and kindness has overwhelmed me. I have been praying that God saves a special place for all of you in His kingdom. You have motivated me to do better and be better. I am starting today. I love you all. I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

I was overwhelmed by everyone's generosity, kindness, support, and willingness to help. I was inspired by it all. I clearly recall thinking to myself, "I have been given a second chance at life. I need to do better and be better this time around. I need to be more like all of these people." Needless to say I find it ironic that I am praised for everything I have done and how I have handled my stroke when my army is the reason why I have done it the way I have. People like you, people like my classmates; my childhood friends, deserve ALL of the credit.

Dunkerton Class of 1999 (well, 11 out of the 42 of us!)

So, to sign off, I want to express a heartfelt thank you to the Dunkerton Class of 1999, namely April, Riann, Katie, Shane, Bryan, and Clint. They all helped orchestrate the event that day and I appreciate it greatly. And especially, Kelli, who took the ideas of Shane and Bryan and ran with it. Not only for just this event, but also for the work you are doing for the color run and scholarship. You are simply amazing. To the rest of my classmates: I know that many of you were unable to make it, but were there in spirit and sent me messages. I also know many of you helped give ideas, donated items, or sent your parents on your behalf to support me. Thank you.

You are all amazing people and I have been blessed to grow up with all of you.

Thank you also to everyone who attended the event, donated auction items, and to Wapsie Ridge Golf Course for hosting all of us.

Register here if you are interested in running in the "Do Better. Be Better." color run 5k!