March 6

Facebook posts from Patrick

Moving day-

We wanted to show everyone our new view. Yes, with the new view came a new room. Jamie was moved out of icu late yesterday afternoon to the neuro floor. She has made significant strides in the past 12 hours - she is now eating jello, her nausea has decreased, and as I type this she is going through her first pt assessment. Next on the schedule a nap and then a SHOWER!!!

We had a very good discussion with our neuro team this morning. They said they were going to start to challenge her with some physical activity and asked if she was up for it...I intervened and said they didn't know who they were messing with.

So step by step we continue to recover. Her shower this afternoon will do wonders just to make her feel human again.

Just a quick update for everyone.
Do Better. Be Better.

Today was better than yesterday and tommorrow will be better than today.

March 5

Facebook posts from Patrick

Jamie and I have been blessed with family and friends that would do just about anything for us at a drop of a hat and there is NO WAY we could be battling through all of this without ALL of you.

To Brother Tom for taking on all 4 kids for the past 4 days, thank you. To all the neighbors/friends who have been dropping off food and checking in on the kids, thank you. To Jon and Angi for tackling the weekend, thank you!

If I were to try and thank each and every person that has helped us over the past 3 weeks this post would take a week to write. Trust me, a blog will eventually come from my wife's fingertips (I enjoy reading her words better than mine anyways).....but in the mean time I just had to say Thank You to everyone that has impacted, reached out, and provided for our kids and our family.

We are indebted forever.

Jamie update- she is resting. She was under anesthesia for 9.5 hours so they anticipated it would take her a longer period of time to come out from it. Dr Spetzler just stopped in...I was shocked to see him as he was supposed to be gone for a week after Jamie's surgery. He saw the shock on my face when he walked in and I said to him, "You are supposed to be gone". He quickly replied back with, "I had to see your wife prior to leaving. She's doing remarkably well." To hear the world's best re-assure us was all I could have asked for 24 hours ago. We are taking it step by step and making progress with every step.

Specific Prayers can be said for a successful reading of a post-surgery mri that she will have this afternoon.

God bless, thank you all! Truly, Thank You All!!

Step by Step-

Thank you again for all of your thoughts and prayers, we are so grateful to have your support.

Jamie remains in the Intensive Care Unit to help control her pain and monitor her as closely as possible. She has and will continue to be sedated to allow her body to rest and heal. I have had the opportunity to speak with her and held about a ten minute conversation this morning. She remains upbeat and positive, knowing she's ready and willing to fight.

Barrow Brain Institute and St Josephs Hospital - I will say this much, this medical institution and it's staff --- simply remarkable. I can see why they are known across the country for their neuro vascular talents. It is a world-renowned facility, period. It may have taken a little longer than what a concerned husband wanted for them to read her mri, but i know we made the right choice to have Jamie's surgery here.

This morning I had a conference with Dr. Spetzlers team to review Jamie's post-surgical mri. The results were very encouraging/positive and what I needed to hear to be able to take a breath again. The surgery in itself was very challenging and very difficult. If you were to have told me on Friday morning that where I sit right now was an option, I would have signed up immediately. We are very grateful and very thankful that God has watched over us so closely.

We will continue to take it one step at a time, there is mumblings going around that we may be moving to a neuro - floor by tommorrow. We still have a road to travel, but I am so very excited to have the opportunity to travel it!!

It was difficult to see Nathan and Angie travel back to Iowa today...their shoulders helped carry us the past few days. Bill and Mavis travel back tommorrow, hold them in your prayers as they travel -- I don't think they will be auditioning for the Amazing Race any time soon. I think Iowa is the right pace for all of us....a little too hectic here in Phx.

I will do my best to keep everyone informed. All I know is we will continue to Do Better. Be Better. Because of all of you! God Bless!

March 4

Facebook updates from Patrick

Jamie Smith just headed back for her surgery. We greatly appreciate all of your prayers and messages. We will know more within the next 6 to 10 hours, in the mean time - pray, please just pray! There is a Guardian Angel watching over her, kindly ask her to stay.

Let Go and Let God.
Be Not Afraid.
Do Better. Be Better.

First of all, the amount of support, messages, and prayers that we felt today was purely overwhelming. We are 1,528 miles away and yet because of all of you we felt right at home. Thank you!!

It has been an exhausting day filled with emotion. I am very happy to say that Jamie's surgery just finished and she has been wheeled back to recovery. With any luck I will be able to see her in an hour.

Dr Spetzler shared positive and encouraging remarks with us. The next 24-48 hours will be difficult , but as he said to me, "We need to take it step by step".

As of now, I anxiously wait to see my bride and whisper in to her ear, "You did it". We thank you again for all that you have done for our family and ask for you to keep the prayers and positive thoughts coming.

P.S. My heart is full for the communities of Turkey Valley, what an incredible way to represent at the state tournament. ‪#‎trojanpride‬.

"Today my wife had brain surgery". As many times as I say that in my head I still don't believe the day we just had. I remember turning to Jamie at 530 am this morning on our way to the hospital saying that very same thing, "Your having brain surgery today" and we both just looked at each other in disbelief.

If I had to describe the day we just had well,.....IT. WAS. LONG. It started with pre-op check in at 6am, difficult conversations with Dr's dealing with what exactly they were going to do, and of course the challenging hugs and kisses prior to surgery. Then came what I would expect as the longest 10.5 hour wait of my life. The wait...no words can describe this....no words. I am so thankful for Jamie's parents, her best friend, and her brother for being here. I wouldn't had stayed sane if it wasn't for them....and for all of you - the messages/prayers/ they were tremendous.

As for our current state - Jamie is resting peacefully in her ICU bed as I lay next to her on a cot made for umpa-lumpas (seriously my feet are hanging over the cot by a foot). Im thankful, I'm beyond thankful...it's dejavu for me as I flashback to Iowa City 2.5 years ago. I have not been able to carry on a full conversation with Jamie as she is still heavily sedated, but about 5 mins ago she gave me the, "Smith Family Secret I Love You" sign...it brought tears to my eyes. The plan is for her to rest and let the anesthesia wear off. Some time tommorrow they will conduct another MRI of the impacted area. As I have said before, she will get worse before she gets better. The surgery acts almost as if another bleed occurred. We are aware of this challenge and we are ready to battle together, "Step by step".

At this point, I honestly am so exhausted that I don't know if this post will make sense, but I will leave you with this.

Today is the only day of the year that tells you to do something, March Forth is exactly what my GSD/DBBB wife did.

Tomorrow we will be better than today. God bless!

Let's Do This!

Growing up I always had a plan.  I would go to college, get a job, get married, have kids.....my whole life planned out and completely on track.  Then I had a stroke.  Needless to say, the plan changed a bit and had to be rewritten.  And did I ever rewrite it.  Everything was falling in to place.

 

Then I had another stroke.  And the train went off the tracks again.  This time I would even say that it fell down the cliff a little bit. The last three weeks have been a struggle and now I find myself on the eve of brain surgery.

 

I am having brain surgery tomorrow.

 

Earlier this afternoon I was trying to figure out what I was going to write tonight and the only thing coming out was, "I'm having brain surgery tomorrow." I mean, what else more is there to say than that? Since then we met with Dr. Spetzler and discussed the procedure in detail and every possible outcome that could happen. So what are those outcomes? I couldn't tell you. Until I wake up tomorrow night I will have no idea if my entire CM has been removed or what kind of recovery I am looking at.

 

"The only thing predictable about life is its unpredictability."

-Remy, Ratatouille

 

Ain't that the truth?



 

Here's what I do know: Dr. Spetzler walked into the office to talk with us today, shook my hand, and said, "Well you look a lot better than your scans do." To which I responded, "A lot of people tell me that."

 

A whole bunch of really scary stuff was explained to Patrick and I today during that meeting. But, that one sentence is the only thing that matters to me. That sentence showed me that I am already beating the odds. I am a surprise to the top neurosurgeon in the United States.  That is the motivation that I will carry with me in these upcoming weeks.

 

So, I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening enjoying my family.  I arrived back to our condo to the warm welcome of my brother, who flew down here to surprise me.  I had a great phone call with my sister, a wonderful supper, and I got to speak with Patrick's brother and sisters.

 

We also got to Face Time with the girls.  They were so excited to see us.  Myah just kept screaming Mommy and Daddy and waving at the screen. We talked to all of them for a bit, ending with Myah holding the iPad.  We said goodbye and she started to cry.  She continued to say no over and over again.  It KILLED me.  I had a split second where I asked myself if I was making the right decision. 

 

But, I know I am making the right decision.  My family and friends tell me I am making the right decision.  The top neurosurgeon is telling me I am making the right decision.  I am going to have this surgery, it is going to go well, I am going to survive the hell week that follows, and the intense rehab schedule for as long as I need too.  I got this. 

 

So picture me this:

I'm sitting in bed, with my best friend Angie (who flew down here for my surgery), typing this blog, watching American Idol (go LaPortia), while she hammers wine and I hammer water, talking about how we could have never guessed that we would find ourselves here. It's not everyday you go have brain surgery!! 

 

Before I sign off for awhile, I have a couple favors to ask of you:

Please like "Love for the Smiths" on Facebook.  I went to college with Natalie and Chris and their son, Jace, needs all the prayers we can give him. 

 

And selfishly, please send up a whole lotta prayers for me for tomorrow.  My surgery is at 10 am Iowa time.  Please pray for Dr. Spetzler and his entire team to be on top of their game, for my CM to be completely removed, and for the best possible prognosis for me for when I awake.

 

LET'S DO THIS.

 

 

 

P.S.  Patrick will be in charge of the blog while I am on the injured reserve.  We will try to update as much as we can .

 

 

 

 

 

 



         

Let Go and Let God

I had a weekend for the books.  It started with the Daddy Daughter dance on Friday.  Patrick and the girls got all dressed up, he bought them flowers, and they had an absolute blast at the dance.  Even better, I got some one on one time with Myah cuddling in the chair and playing babies.

 

On Saturday, I woke up thinking that by this time next week I will be done with surgery.  Wow.  It made me panic a little and it ended up leading to a heart to heart conversation with my siblings that made my heart smile.  That morning was spent with a visit from my sister and her husband complete with flower delivery and a much needed nap.

Saturday night, my closest friends threw me a 'yeah, you're having brain surgery party!'  Yep, we are trendsetters.  IT. WAS. PERFECT.  I was humbled that they would even think to do this for me and it was exactly what Patrick and I both needed.  It was a night spent just being Patrick and Jamie; completely normal, lots of laughs, surrounded by THE most kind and loving human beings there are.

The girls loved this night too.  On short notice, their friends' parents and our neighbors took them in for a few hours for us.  They all came home on cloud nine.  We have only lived in Dike since September and EVERYONE here has treated us like family.  We debated moving to a small town for four years and now in the hardest time of my life I can say, with certainty, that moving here was one of the best decisions Patrick and I have ever made for our family.

Needless to say, I went to bed on Saturday exhausted, but wired.  I was overwhelmed in every way.  I was physically tired.  I have not been sleeping and do 'too much (my favorite words)' throughout the day.  I was mentally tired because my mind never stops racing about of all this.  And I was emotionally spent.  The amount of kindness, love, and support we have been shown has been mind blowing to me.  I feel like every five minutes Patrick is informing me of something new: you got this letter today, a neighbor just dropped this off, did you see that post?, so and so wants to do this for us........I feel UNDESERVING.  So incredibly undeserving.  So, Saturday night was spent laying in bed brainstorming ideas for Do Better.  Be Better. for when I get better.  Which is also never good for me because I'm not really an idea girl; I like to get right to planning.

I woke up on Sunday in complete GSD mode.  I sent emails, cleaned house, and did laundry......all before my family even woke.  Once they did wake, we spent some time cuddling and eating breakfast and headed to church.

Mass was much like the morning of my Do Not Be Afraid post.  I actually got to hear Father's homily.  And, let me tell you, I felt like God was talking directly to me.  What was it about?

Father posed the question, "How will you stand before God?"  How will you stand before God after you have been through all the trials and tribulations of life?  He explained that bad things happen and it is normal to ask, "why me?" and to desire to control the situation.  But, we cannot control the uncontrollable.  So, instead we must trust in God's love and protection.  We must trust in His plan.  

Um......yeah.  Out of EVERY lesson that could have been taught this is the one that I hear four days before I head in to surgery??  Unreal.

My head was reeling as we headed in to Cedar Falls for lunch.  We met our good friend, Brian, and his mom, Gail, for lunch and had a wonderful meal.  I ate my weight in chips and salsa.  When they left, they both gave us hugs and said some unbelievably kind things that, of course, made us emotional.  They took off and we stayed to wait for the check, which Brian had already paid for without us knowing.  This, as well as the gift his mom gave us, sent Patrick and I over the edge.  There we sat in Carlos O Kelly's crying while Myah jumped in the booth, Linden crawled under the table, and Seeri and Jaelyn stared at us like we were losing our minds.  Yes, our family has amazing restaurant etiquette.

Seeri and Jaelyn immediately asked what was wrong and I tried to explain that I was crying because I was so happy.  I then tried my best to explain that our friends were the nicest people in the whole wide world and we were very lucky to have them in our lives.  I followed that with, "Always be kind, girls.  Do you see how awesome if makes other people feel when you are?"

And those moments, the teachable moments with our daughters, are happening because of all of you.  I would have never had that moment if it wouldn't have been for the kindness of our friends.  We wouldn't talk about the hardships of other families or helping them as much as we do if I hadn't been inspired by all of you to start Do Better. Be Better.  You see, it's not just about the meals, and the messages, and the HUGE acts of kindness, it's about the fact that you are all helping me teach my daughters lessons about life that are truly important.  How on earth do I thank you for that?  How on earth am I deserving of that?  I have started to beg God to get me through this surgery so that He is able to use me however He deems fit to pay this all forward.

But to do that, I have to trust in the plan.  I have told many people in that last two weeks that I really do believe everything happens for a reason.  Do Better. Be Better. wouldn't exist without my first stroke, my blog wouldn't exist, and I would not be anywhere near the person, wife, parent, daughter, sister, friend, or teacher that I am today without it.  Same way with this stroke, if it wouldn't have happened everything that has transpired since wouldn't have either.  I, and nearly everyone around me, has become a bit different of a person for the better.  Plus, I would not have the opportunity to get this awful thing out of my head.

I need to Let Go and Let God.  Not just say it, but actually do it.  Because the reality is that no matter how much I worry or try to predict what will happen post surgery, I cannot control a single piece of it.  Nothing I fear will change how well Dr. Spetzler performs or how my body responds.  Nothing will change it.  So, why the hell am I torturing myself with this?  I need to stop and focus on the things that I can control.  Things like my positive attitude, my perseverance, and my fight.  I think that is a pretty good arsenal to have in my back pocket.

I leave you with this quote from the movie, The Good Dinosaur.  It was the last thing I heard as I drifted to sleep before my nap yesterday:

"Sometimes you gotta get through your fears to see the beauty on the other side."

  

NLXF Strong

After my first stroke, before my first post, Patrick asked me if I was sure that I wanted to be so open with everything that was going on.  In my mind, I was selfish.  I needed to release everything I was feeling to feel better.  But, I also said to him, why not?  I have nothing to hide.  I am going through something incredibly difficult and we are going to need help.  There is nothing wrong with being smart enough to understand that you need it.  There is noting wrong with admitting that I am struggling, that life is not all butterflies and rainbows.  Whose life is?

Never in a million years would I have thought that this literally one minute conversation would turn in to the ARMY of people that are supporting us now.  Never would I have imagined having a blog, or a slogan (that sounds conceited, I apologize), or a foundation.....are you kidding me?  In what universe does that happen? 

I have been overwhelmed by you all.  Honestly, I feel like all I do is cry.  Sometimes, they are sad tears because I have just a little bit going on these days.  But, just as often as not, they are happy tears.  Tears that escape my eyes because my heart is so full that it is exploding. 

The amount of messages, meals, care packages, HUGE, random acts of kindness and selflessness.....I can't keep up.  I have tried to read and respond to every post, message, and text, but there is just not enough time in the day.  Please know that I appreciate it all.  I read every one and every single one makes me smile and warms my heart.  That is one hell of a gift you are all giving me right now.  Thank you.

A major turning point in my journey was the night that I came up with the "idea (a.k.a. plan)" to begin the Do Better. Be Better. organization.  I ran it by Patrick quick, who after knowing me this long, knew better to just agree.  Then, I immediately got on good ole Facebook messenger to Ryan Downs, the owner of Next Level Extreme Fitness.  Downs LOVES Facebook messenger.

Ryan didn't hesitate to do this with us after we spoke.  Plans immediately began for fundraisers to help families in need.  He came up with the blacklight gauntlet (the coolest thing ever), he promoted the events, and he got his entire staff on board.  This staff, these trainers, these friends......they are THE BEST.  They are genuine, caring, kind, helpful, and passionate.  They volunteer their time to instruct at these events, they promote them, and they participate in them.  I cannot gush enough about them.  And the people of Key West, the owners, the managers, the daycare providers, the staff.....equally as amazing.  I know nothing about business and I have stepped on their toes more times than I care to admit, but they are ALWAYS willing to do anything and everything.  What kind of a gym, a business, goes above and beyond like that?  Easy answer, it's not just a gym and a business, it's a FAMILY.  A family that I am damn proud to be a part of.

I would spend another page mentioning every single thing NLXF has done for me over the years, but I want to focus on what they are doing now.  I just recently found out that the Mason City gym is organizing a blacklight gauntlet for Do Better. Be Better.....absolutely blows my mind.....the kindness just never stops.  Plus, I am sure that you have probably seen pictures and videos of NLXF family doing 50 burpees in support of my family and I.  First of all, leave it to the trainers to find something for people to do that will still get those results; its week 8 after all!  Secondly, once again, the trainers are spending EXTRA time on me.  They are supervising all of this.  Unreal.  And then for them to hashtag their posts, #WeAreHerArmy.....I mean, you're pulling at every heart string I have.  Finally, 50 burpees?!?!  Before or after a NLXF workout?!?!  Are you kidding?  The workouts alone are crazy hard, let alone adding 50 burpees to that!  So, the fact that people are even willing to put themselves through that is honestly the most touching sentiment to me.  I can guarantee you that it is not an enjoyable experience; I am sure a few expletives are said!  Every time I see a picture or video of them, I smile, I laugh, I feel a little guilty, and I cry.  NLXF is a HUGE program, with five locations.  Most of these people don't even know me and yet they are willing to do that?  There are truly no words to explain my gratitude for that.  

I am left in this place I found myself in after my first stroke.  I am inspired by all of you to do better everyday and be a better person everyday.  How do I ever thank everyone enough?  How can I explain what all of this means to me?  The answer is, I can't.  I wish I could somehow make you all feel what I feel, but I'm not sure how to do that either.

So, instead, here is my next best idea....a promise to you (I'm all about promises lately):

Once I conquer this brain surgery recovery, I will repay your kindness tenfold.  Do Better. Be Better. will not stop.  It is my dream that our girls, grand-babies, and great -grandbabies will run it someday. I promise.  

Kindness is contagious.  Thank you for helping me catch the "bug."

Brainstem Surgery: March 4, 2016

Yep, you read that right.  Go ahead.....read it again.  I did.....like 10 times, or 50.  I received this letter on Tuesday.  I was instantly relieved when I read it.  I needed someone to say absolutely yes to this to make me want to take the leap and be able to find peace with it.

Forty-five minutes ago I scheduled my surgery.

Picture me repeating this in my mind using different tones and inflections in my voice:

I am going to have brainstem surgery.  I am going to have brainstem surgery.  I am going to have brainstem surgery.

I AM GOING TO HAVE BRAINSTEM SURGERY.

I am going to have brainstem surgery on March 4, 2016 at 9 a.m by Dr. Robert Spetzler at the Barrow Brain Institute in Phoenix, AZ.

Picture me this way:
Blank stare at the screen, fingertips paused on the keyboard, mind blank, tears falling, and heart racing.

Breathe, Jamie.  Breathe.

Holy shit.

So.......how do I feel about it?  What don't I feel since last Monday?  Seriously, I barely recognize myself the last week and a half.

Patrick took the phone call.  Tears immediately started welling in my eyes.  Essentially, I have been waiting for this day since December 26, 2013 when I was officially diagnosed with my cavernous malformation.  That is a REALLY long time to fear....dread......anticipate for something to happen.

We had originally been told that Dr. Spetzler was going to be out of the county the first two weeks of March and that March 18 was going to be the earliest available date for surgery.  Patrick voiced our concerns; my bleed is fresh and my CM has been pushed to the surface because of it.  If we wait too long, it could begin to grow as one with my healthy, undamaged brain tissue again making it more risky to reach and causing me more potential deficits.  As the conversation went on, Patrick was put on hold.  When she returned to the phone, she informed us that he could squeeze us in before he left as long as were okay with him leaving the next morning.

I didn't hesitate.  It was a sign and I listened.

I have never been so at peace with a decision, but so terrified at the same time. I know, deep in my heart, that surgery is the right decision. Why?  Because for the last 22 months, I feel like I have been living in the land between fear and freedom.

I could best describe fear as a leash.  It lets you get just far enough away, but not as far as you want to go or could go.  Here are some examples of how fear has governed my life:

Every time I physically exert myself:  "Be careful, slow down, listen to your body.  Whoa, was that pain good or bad?"

Every time I don't feel well: "Is that stroke related?  Do I remember that from last time?  If I'm not better by......, I'll go to the doctor."

Every time I do something athletic: "I can't do that, I'll hurt myself."

It is exhausting.  It is debilitating.  It is demeaning.  Fear, what I go through physically and mentally from my strokes, will eventually kill my spirit.  That is just not acceptable to me.

I dream of being free.  Free of the worry, of the fear, of the self doubt, and the I can'ts and I shouldn't's.  I want to be free.

I believe that surgery will grant me this freedom.  IF they get all of my CM, there is chance that it could never grow back and I will never have another stroke.  Do you even understand how calming that is to me to even think about?

I will have deficits after the surgery.  No doubt.  I have been told that whatever you experience when you bleed is heightened after the surgery.  I could assume that I will definitely have vision deficits, balance and motor loss, and possibly even facial weakness or paralysis.  These are all things that I have experienced before with bleeds.  I also know, just as with a bleed, that as you heal, your brain creates new connections and things slowly return.  I will never be "normal", but I will be free.  To me, after living with this for the last 22 months, that is a trade off I'm willing to make at this point in my life.  A point in my life where I am young, with a beautiful family, with so much time to live and the understanding that even though we have so much time it actually is such little time.

I will be able to wake up in the morning grateful that I am alive, rather than worried about another stroke.  I will carry on with my day knowing that I can do WHATEVER I WANT TO DO because I am free of my CM.  I will go to bed at night at peace instead of thanking God for giving me another day stroke free.

But even though I am at peace with this decision and my family and friends are as well, I am not any less scared.  I am having brain surgery.  In the Pons.  Where the 12 cranial nerves, our bodies most important nerves, run directly through to bridge the spine and the brain.  There are going to shave a piece of hair (which I don't have a lot of), cut in to my head, and I will forever have a scar to remind me of all of this.  This. Is. No. Joke.

Bet your ass I am scared.

I am scared of the pain and the headache that I will wake up with.  After experiencing the headaches with my bleeds and feeling like my head was being squeezed in a vice script, I honestly can't imagine anything worse.  I am anxious about what type of recovery I will be facing once I wake up.  Will I wake up like the Saturday after my first stroke or like the Friday after my second one?  Or will I be even worse or better?  Unfortunately, there is no absolute way of knowing that until I wake up.

How long will we be gone?  The kids.......God, watch over the kids.  If I am gone for weeks, how many words will Myah be saying when I get back?  How much will Linden have grown?  How many more teeth will JJ have lost?  How much more matured will Seeri be?  How will I go that long without my babies?

Am I strong enough to do this?

Yes, I am strong enough to do this.

Because even throughout all the dark, when I envision my future, I have never pictured myself unhappy or sick.  When I close my eyes, I see Patrick, the girls, my family, my closest friends, and I on a sunny summer day having a cookout and celebrating the beauty of life.  And the expression on my face is one of peace, joy, and exultation.

I WILL NOT let anything take that away from me.  Nothing is going to take that from me.

So, am I strong enough?  Hell yes.


Seeri, Jaelyn, Linden, and Myah:
I just left JJ and Myah's room (our blondies) after putting you to bed.  Tonight, you were sharing JJ's big bed and playing a game where you would both sit up, look at each other, and fall backwards.  You would giggle hysterically at each other and sit up and do it all over again and again.  I laughed with you until eventually my laughs turned to tears.  To watch you both in all of your sweet innocence made me realize why I am really going through with this surgery.

This surgery is my best chance to be the Mom that I want to be for all of you in the best capacity I can physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually be.  It is my chance to watch you go to homecomings, proms, and graduate from high school and college.  It is my chance to see you blush when you talk about your first crush, or hear you gush about this guy you want to marry, and watch your Daddy walk you all down the isle.  It is my chance to get a "your going to be a Grandma" gift, and go to a gender reveal, and BE a Grandma that spoils all those babies silly.

This is my best chance to watch you all grow in to strong, courageous, compassionate, and selfless women.

I want you to know that I am scared.  There is going to be a time in your life where you are going to be scared too.  And it is OKAY.  I hope that I am setting a good example for of how to battle adversity with grace and fight like hell.

Because remember, SMITH'S DON'T QUIT.

From your Dad -

Seeri, Jaelyn, Linden, & Myah - your mommy talked me in to putting words on paper to share with you when you are older.  It seems like yesterday that we were holding you in the palm of our hands and now I wake up and see four beautiful young ladies that possess so many of their mothers traits. I see your mother in all four of you every time I look at you- your eyes, your smiles, your heart, your care. The example your mother has and will continue to set for you is a great blueprint to follow - cherish the opportunity.

As for all that has transpired over the past week - your mother is absolutely correct.  It is SCARY.  I am scared.  I feel as if I am living an out of body experience.  I have cried tears until there has been no more to cry.  I think of your mom and think of you and try my best to be your rock, but many times I feel as though I crumble.  What I have learned is that your Faith has to be steady and constant in times like these.  I have often asked God to help carry me, to take some of  the burden off of our family and carry it for us until we are strong enough to carry it on our own.  Grandpa Smith in his wisdom always said to us, "If you don't have your Faith, you don't have anything".  He is absolutely correct.  No matter the challenges that you face in life, face them with your mother's determination and with your Faith.

Girls - I pray, that you four will grow up and love one another unconditionally.  I pray that you have strong Faiths and you will rely on your Faith at all times.  I pray constantly for our family.

To Our Army - I admit and I will always admit that I did not know how much of our story that we should or should not be sharing.  Growing up my family faced adversity with the diagnosis of my mom's breast cancer.  Whenever asked, "How's your mom doing?"  It was always a very quick and almost without thinking, "Shes doing well, thank you for asking".  I said that whether I knew she was having a terrible day due to the chemo or not.  It was just how I was wired; put on the strong front. To this day I remember trick or treaters coming to our front door the night prior to my mother passing and putting on the same front.  Well, if you have gotten this far in the blog, you know that we have taken the exact opposite approach.  Some mornings I wake up and probably know less than you as the reader does, yet I don't know if I would have it any other way.

You see, over the next two weeks, or maybe two months, or maybe two years, we will need each and every single one of you pulling for us.  It is my hope that come 10:00 am on Friday March 4th that each and every single person in this Army, in our corner cheering for us, stops what they are doing and prays.  Whether it be for one prayer, one minute, one hour, one day.... just pray for Jamie.  Because watching her go through those operating doors is going to be one of the toughest moments of my life. Yet, I know with my Faith, that one of the happiest moments in my life will be seeing her come out of those operating doors.

For all of you who have reached out to us, who have provided for our family, who gives our kids an extra squeeze for us, for all of you saying prayers..... THANK YOU!  I continue to be indebted forever to all of you around us.