First Annual "Do Better. Be Better." Golf Benefit

Over the course of the last eleven months I have had many moments, days even, where I walk away from it feeling fulfilled, loved, joyous....BLESSED.  After everything that I have been through it would be easy to assume that I would have more days that are filled with worry and despair.  Not even close.  Why?

I have one hell of an AMAZING army.

Everywhere I turn there are people offering me warm smiles and hugs, thoughts and prayers, and wearing the support shirts and bands.  These things, although small, are HUGE driving forces in my recovery.  So, imagine what the big honors do?!?!  Like, say, a golf benefit thrown for my family and I by my graduating class.  Gestures like these literally lift me up.  They even nearly make me forget what happened and make it easier for me to dream about a future that is stroke and surgery free.  That feeling alone is a tremendous gift.

The first annual "Do Better.  Be Better." golf benefit was Saturday, September 20.  I was a nervous wreck leading up to the benefit for many reasons.  As I have mentioned, I hate being the center of attention period.  Add to that being in the forefront around people I haven't seen in a long time or who haven't seen me since my stroke and my stomach was all sorts of twisted.  Then there is always that feeling of self consciousness about the way I look and function.  I really wish I didn't care, but I do.  I know that people assess me when they see me and that is not their fault.  It is a totally natural and expected thing to do.  I just wish I didn't do it to myself.  My biggest source of worry though.....

Did I really deserve something like this?  Am I worthy of it?  How can I accept something like this from people who I have allowed myself to lose touch with?  I am so disappointed in myself for that.

Don't get me wrong.  I am damn proud of how far I have come and I have worked very hard to ensure that my stroke does not define me.  But I really struggle sometimes with every honor, award, and compliment I receive.  Why?

Because I honestly believe that many of you would respond exactly the same way that I have.  You may not have chosen to share as openly as I have to everyone, but I guarantee you would have to those closest to you.  Is what I have done really that special?  I am not so sure.

What I am sure of is how completely humbling the last eleven months have been.  Saturday was no exception.

I walked in to Wapsie Ridge Golf Course not really knowing what to expect.  I was blown away.  I was greeted by many of my classmates who were hard at work organizing the upcoming day.  I had no idea that they were all behind it, which immediately made me feel awful because I had not publicly given them the credit they deserved.  It was evident as I looked around the clubhouse that they had put so much effort and thought in to the event.

They had silent auction items, "Do Better.  Be Better." Bondibands, coasters, and t-shirts, door prizes for each hole and the winners, 50/50 raffle tickets, donation boxes, the "Do Better.  Be Better." color run registration forms, the social hour and dinner.....the list goes on and on.  I instantly realized how much behind the scenes planning and meeting they must of all had to do and I was in awe of them.  I remember them as kids--playing on the playground, goofing around at school--now they are planning full blown benefits??  What?!?!  Not only was I an awe, but I was down right proud of them.  They literally killed it folks.  The day was flawless, minus the little rain shower  ;-)

I spent the day catching up with many of my childhood friends.  I also cruised the course and chatted with everyone as they golfed.  Sixteen teams, consisting of many of our closet friends and loved ones, were in attendance.  It ended up being great weather.  I couldn't have asked for anything more.

After the tournament, awards were given and dinner was served.  Our remaining family members and more of our closet friends arrived.  I was deeply touched that they would all come to support Patrick and I.  Every time a new person would walk in my heart would fill more and more.

Before the auction ended, Patrick and I spoke.  I basically give speeches everyday, all day at work; you would think it wouldn't phase me in the slightest.  But, wow, I get so, so nervous.  I was terrified of breaking out in an ugly cry and flushing from head to toe.  I should cry; it has been an emotional eleven months and this benefit was a extraordinary honor.  I made it roughly a minute before I had to gather myself.  I pulled myself together and made it through.  An interesting thing happens when I talk about my stroke.  Its almost like my mind just flips a switch; like it separates itself from my heart.  I am sure that talking and writing about it as much as I do has helped.  Poor Patrick, though; I never flip the switch around him.  He sees the flat out ugly cry a lot!  Regardless, it is my hope that everyone in attendance understood how deeply honored, humbled, and loved I felt.

When I reflect back on those first two days in the ICU, I distinctly remember feeling blessed even though I was experiencing something horrible.  I tried my best to communicate that in the first paragraph of my very first Facebook post after my stroke.

I wanted to say thank you to all my family and friends. Your generosity and kindness has overwhelmed me. I have been praying that God saves a special place for all of you in His kingdom. You have motivated me to do better and be better. I am starting today. I love you all. I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

I was overwhelmed by everyone's generosity, kindness, support, and willingness to help.  I was inspired by it all.  I clearly recall thinking to myself, "I have been given a second chance at life.  I need to do better and be better this time around.  I need to be more like all of these people."  Needless to say I find it ironic that I am praised for everything I have done and how I have handled my stroke when my army is the reason why I have done it the way I have.  People like you, people like my classmates; my childhood friends, deserve ALL of the credit.

Dunkerton Class of 1999 (well, 11 out of the 42 of us!)

So, to sign off, I want to express a heartfelt thank you to the Dunkerton Class of 1999, namely April, Riann, Katie, Shane, Bryan, and Clint.  They all helped orchestrate the event that day and I appreciate it greatly.  And especially, Kelli, who took the ideas of Shane and Bryan and ran with it.  Not only for just this event, but also for the work you are doing for the color run and scholarship.  You are simply amazing.  To the rest of my classmates: I know that many of you were unable to make it, but were there in spirit and sent me messages.  I also know many of you helped give ideas, donated items, or sent your parents on your behalf to support me.  Thank you.

You are all amazing people and I have been blessed to grow up with all of you.

Thank you also to everyone who attended the event, donated auction items, and to Wapsie Ridge Golf Course for hosting all of us.


Register here if you are interested in running in the "Do Better.  Be Better." color run 5k!

Kelli and Riann modeling the 'Do Better.  Be Better.' Bondibands.

Photo op with Ron Steele, friends, and family.

Golf selfie with some of the Smith clan.

CFHS Tiger Hi-Line Artcile Update

The school newspaper, Tiger Hi-Line, wrote an article about my return to school.  Please click on the link below to read it.

Do Better. Be Better. PE teacher affirms her mantra as she returns from stroke

11 Month Anniversary

Eleven months post stroke.  Where has that time gone?  I re-read last months update and to be honest, there isn't much more to report. 

I am staying constant on the physical side of things.  I still have double vision and stiffness in my left hand and foot.  My left leg is a bit mechanical and heavy and my eyes look pretty close to normal.  At this point, I feel like the deficits I have are probably permanent.  I am lucky that none of them affect my daily living or functioning.  I have to be careful and am unable to do some things.  But, I can live without everything I can't do.

Work has been very busy and a bit stressful which worries me at times.  I believe that stress was a major factor contributing to my stroke in October so I fear that I am making myself more susceptible to another one.  I like working and staying busy.  The problem is I get caught up in everything I used to do; how much I used to juggle and I just can't do that anymore without feeling my stroke symptoms flare up or getting a massive cold and fever.  It has gotten much better since the beginning of the school year too.  It also helps that our building has cooled off a little bit.

Other than that, I am at about 95% functioning.  I would love to run the "Do Better.  Be Better." color run 5k but I am not sure if I could.  I know I could handle the cardiovascular aspect but I am unsure of how my leg would feel ten minutes in.  I complete hour workouts at NLXF, but everything we do is short bursts of energy for three minutes or less.  Endurance running is a little bit different beast.

I continue to pray everyday for my health.  I wish so badly to remain stroke and surgery free.  I am truly grateful for every month I get to write one of these updates.

Cheers to 11 months beating my stroke!

Jamie Smith's "Do Better. Be Better." Foundation

I have mentioned many times how my first Facebook post came to be, why I proceeded to post to Facebook, and how all of that eventually led to creating my blog.  There have been many times when I have wondered if I was being too honest or feared whether I was being too self indulgent by assuming people would even be interested in my story.  In the end though, I selfishly continue to write because it is an amazing form of therapy for me.  More importantly, I want to chronicle this time of life so our girls can read it when they get older.

Could I write without sharing it with others?  Absolutely.  I have contemplated doing that many times.  But if I did that I would have never met Sara, Greg, or Jonathan, whom I had an email from this morning.  He is 25, has what I do, and just suffered from his first bleed.  So now my writing has become just a little bit more than expressing my feelings.

I have always said that I want my stroke, as terrible as it was, to be something positive and something that I learn from.  Over the last two weeks I have been given the opportunity to really run with that idea.

I have to be very clear in stating that what I am about to write was NOT my idea AT ALL, but rather of some very special people that make up my army.  ALL of the credit goes to Kelli Snyder (my childhood friend), Dunkerton's graduating class of 1999, Justin Urbanek (principal of Dunkerton), the leadership/student governments at Dunkerton High School and Cedar Falls High School, and Erin Gardner (friend and co-worker).  I am sure there are many, many more people that have helped that I am not aware of.  I want to extend my gratitude to them too if they are reading.

At the end of July I found out that my graduating class was hosting a golf outing for my family and I.  This outing is on Saturday, September 20.  There will be a golf tournament, social hour, and supper.  I wrote in an earlier post how absolutely blown away by this I was.  I honestly still haven't been able to wrap my head around it.

Two weeks ago I was informed by Patrick that he had received a phone call from Justin stating that the benefit had grown in to something much bigger.  Dunkerton schools was planning to host a 5k color run and school carnival in effort to raise funds to create a scholarship to be given to a graduating senior every year.  The run and scholarship would all be named after my motto, "Do Better.  Be Better."

What??  I asked Patrick three times if he was kidding.  When I finally realized that he wasn't joking, I put my hand over my mouth and just cried.  I was so overwhelmed.  I had to be dreaming.  I had to be.  I was absolutely blown away by their generosity.  I was incredibly humbled by this huge honor.  And, to be honest, I was a bit ashamed.  After everything that everyone has done for us, I should have been the one to take the initiative to create something like this; to give back.  I just didn't have it in me though.  There are still some days where I feel like I am only keeping my head just above the water.

Two days later Patrick surprised me yet again.  He told me that he had talked to Justin again and now Cedar Falls High School was also going to give out a  "Do Better.  Be Better." scholarship every year.  The two schools were going to collaborate and take turns hosting the run and carnival each year.  I started bawling before Patrick even finished telling me.  My heart felt like it was bursting.  I for sure had to be dreaming now.

How did I get here?  How has my life gotten to this point?  It is unbelievable.

Last week we met with Kelli and Justin.  They showed us the flyer and registration form for the color run that had been completed so far and discussed the details.  Knowing that I hate being the center of attention, they also wanted to make sure that this was something I wanted to do.  They did not want to force it on me.  How could I say no to this?  First of all, it is an amazing honor, but it is also exactly what I wanted my stroke to become; something good, rather than devasting.  I LOVE the idea that a graduating senior from each school will be recognized by a scholarship for exhibiting the characteristics that the "Do Better.  Be Better." motto stands for.  I am thrilled that kids from two different districts are collaborating for a great purpose.  And a color run is right up my alley!

Since the meeting Patrick and I have decided to create, Jamie Smith's "Do Better.  Be Better." Foundation.  This is still in the beginning stages because forming a foundation is a teensy bit intense. The other night we were sitting in bed researching what we would need to do when we both just stopped, looked at each other, and said, "Can you believe we are doing this?"  All I did was have a stroke, choose to fight, and honestly write about my feelings.  There are other people in our community like Ed Thomas and Taylor Morris, whom I both consider to be heroes, that have and deserve events and accolades like these.  I do not feel like I am even close to the same level as them.

To say my life has changed in the last 10 months is a massive understatement.  I feel like I am living in an alternate universe most of the time.  I can't believe I had a stroke when I was pregnant, that I delivered Myah full-term and healthy, that I have a blog, and that my story has impacted so many people.  It literally blows my mind.  I can't even fully explain it.

I am very excited about traveling down this new road though.  Thanks to my army my stroke will be remembered in a positive light.  I will forever be indebted to them for that.  I truly believe that these events are just the beginning of what the "Do Better.  Be Better." Foundation will do.

God is good.  He continues to remind me of how gracious He is.  He speaks the loudest through the people He has put in my life.  If I have learned anything over the last ten months it is that the people in your life are the only things that are constant.  Treat them like they are treasures; whether big or small, your actions will always be what inspire them to do better and be better.

10 Month Anniversary

This month has been CRAZY!  Jaelyn got her tonsils out, I had an eye appointment, and we celebrated many events: our friends' weddings, our anniversary, Seeri's birthday, my Dad's birthday, and my sister's bachelorette party and bridal shower.  I have continued to attend Next Level and make improvements with my coordination.  I have also been honored with some pretty huge life altering events (more on that later).  And of course, I returned to work!  Whew!

My eye appointment was on August 8.  My eye improved again.  I am now wearing a 15 strength prism.  We discussed eye muscle surgery and having my prism ground in to my glasses.  If I have eye muscle surgery my eye would be re-centered but it is not a guarantee that it would correct my double vision.  My doctor thought it would considering it has improved so much that they wouldn't have to tweak it much.  But, to me, the only perk of surgery was that I would be able to wear contacts again.  If that is not a guarantee than I don't think I want to have surgery on my eye muscles because that just sounds scary and unnecessary really.  My eye is barely noticeable anymore.  So I am thinking I will just have my prism ground in to my lens.  If that was done, the lines that are visible from my prism would no longer be there; my lens would be clear just like my left side.  I cannot have anything done until my eye has been stable for six months.  The next time I go back to the doctor is November 14.

The way my left side feels still remains the same.  It is still a bit stiff and heavy but my functioning has improved.  I feel pretty darn close to normal with everything that I do with my upper body.  My lower body coordination has improved a bit.  Left roundhouses are feeling a bit more normal and I feel like I can control my leg snap a bit more.  I can do two roundhouses in a row and even do a left to right or a right to left roundhouse.  I can only do one, but that is more than I could do two weeks ago!  I have had three big accomplishments: I can now do a real burpee; no more modifications!  I can do push-ups on my toes (about five to eight depending on how gassed my arms are from previous exercises).  And on Tuesday, I was teaching my Cross Training class and I needed to demo running lunges.  I said, "I can't do these yet, but take this movement (as I demonstrated a stationary walking lunge) and add a little jump to resemble running."  The next thing I knew I was doing a running lunge.  I literally stopped, looked at my legs and said, out loud, "Oh my gosh, I just did a running lunge!"  I was completely caught up in the moment and was snapped back down to earth when I looked up and realized that my entire class of kids was clapping for me.  I about cried.  It was a very special and beautiful moment for me.

The greatest change this month has been my return to work.  I have missed my co-workers greatly.  I also missed the kids.  But, it has been very hard.  The first week back I hit the ground running just like Jamie 1.0 used to.  On Thursday morning I was terrified to start school.  I just prayed so hard that I would be able to handle it physically, but more so emotionally.  I am teaching sophomores this year for the first time in a very long time.  None of them know me or my story.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell them about my stroke or start fresh.  Eventually I decided that my stroke was a major part of who I am and it would be wrong to ignore that and keep it from them.  It was incredibly difficult over the course of Thursday, Friday, and Monday to have to re-tell my story over, and over, and over.  I was exhausted from it and I got a little bit of a head cold.  Half way through the day on Friday I began to get a little light headed and by the end of the day my left hand was tingling like crazy.  I was worried.  My symptoms had not been that strong since my days of therapy.

I got a lot of rest over the weekend and battled back by Monday.  However, it was so hot in our building and my body just wasn't ready for the physical, mental, and emotional demands that are a part of being a teacher.  On Wednesday I noticed I was getting a runny nose and I quickly chalked it up to allergies.  On Thursday I woke up very congested after getting about three hours of sleep.  By the end of the day on Thursday I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  I continued to get worse throughout Thursday night.  I had a fever from 6:30 p.m. to 9 a.m. that would break and then return after the Tylenol/peppermint oil wore off.  I got no sleep and quickly realized my body was done.  I ended up staying home from work on Friday.  I slept for about four hours, ran an oil diffuser, drank tons of hot chocolate, and barely left the bed.  I was so frustrated and felt like I was letting everyone down by not being able to go to work.  But, not only did I need to listen to my body, I had to listen to my body.  It has become apparent to me that a severe cold and fever is how my body now reacts to stress.  These colds really knock me down, but it could be way worse so I will graciously accept it

So far this week has gone well.  I still have remnants of my cold but my energy is holding up and I feel strong.  I am hoping that my beginning struggles were a result of my body just needing to get used to the new strain, just like with everything else "new" that I have introduced over the last ten months.

The next two months leading up to my one year anniversary are going to be just as busy.  But I am so excited for what they will be filled with.  I can honestly say that my life has done a complete 180.  Something very bad happened to me but it is very quickly becoming one of the more amazing things also.

Cheers to another month of beating my stroke!

Our Mary Poppins!

Patrick and I realized shortly after my diagnosis that it would be best for me to have some help over the summer when the girls were home.  We wanted to reduce my stress and be able to provide a fun and activity filled summer for the girls.  Even if I were 100% healthy having four kids and all of the organization and craziness that comes with them would still be overwhelming!

We started looking for a live-in nanny in January.  We had many great applicants, although very few wanted to take us up on the live-in option.  There were also quite a few that wanted quite a bit of money per hour and we just couldn't justify the expense considering I would still be here all day.

One girl came highly recommended from our friends at Wartburg; yep, she bled orange!  She was already a winner in our book!  We set up an interview with her shortly after.  She came over to our house, had pizza with us, played with the girls, and discussed the position.  She was leaving for a mission trip, but promised to get back to us the following week.

The instant she left Patrick and I turned to each other and said simultaneously, "I want her to be our nanny."  She was perfect.  We could tell instantly that she was going to fit right in.  We agreed that we were not going to interview anyone else until we heard back from her.

So we prayed.  We prayed that she liked us back just as much and that she would be willing to stay with us.

To our surprise, she called back before the end of the weekend.  She informed us that she would like to take the position and that she would live with us.  Or as she explained it, "I feel like God is calling me to help your family."

Miss Cailee Jo moved out on Monday after nearly three months with us.  We miss her already.  Having her here with us allowed us to have a summer that wasn't affected by my stroke.  The girls were still able to enjoy the pool, park, and other favorites.  And because of her help I never felt stressed or like I was letting them down.  Plus I was able to go shopping without kids sometimes.  All of you busy moms out there understand my excitement about that!

Cailee is an AMAZING person.  She has a beautiful spirit, a kind heart, and strong faith.  Her positivity and bright smile is infectious.  She treated our girls like family and always came up with fun activities to do with them.  I am sure they will never forget make-over night!  There is no doubt in my mind that she will be successful in life. 

But, my most favorite thing about Cailee are words that she once said to me:

"It just goes to show you that if you follow God's path, be faithful, and do the right thing, He will always provide for you."

You couldn't be more right Cailee Jo.  And when I hear things like this from people I love it inspires me to do better and to be better.  Thank you for that.

Miss Cailee Jo:
We will be seeing you!  Keep us updated on your performances because all SIX of us will be there cheering you on!  I wish you and Tanner a lifetime of happiness and blessings!  Oh, and happy wedding planning and senior year!

Oh, and I wish we would have taken more pictures together!!

Being silly---the girls always laughed when she did funny stuff with her hair!

Our Adventureland and Zoo Vacation.  Cailee and Seeri rode all the rides together!

Random gymnastics tricks!

Hanging out--crazy eyes JJ!

Snuggling with Myah--last day with the girls.

 

Seeri's 7th Birthday!

On Friday, August 8, our oldest daughter, Seeri, turned SEVEN!  Where does the time go??!!

I had an eye appointment in Iowa City that day so Patrick and I decided to take her with us so we could spend some time with her.  My eye appointment took four hours and she was such a trooper!

                                                             Waiting room selfies!!

After that we drove to Hope's Bridal to pick up my bridesmaid dress for my sisters wedding.  We ended the day by going to dinner as a family to Brown Bottle, opening presents at home, and enjoying the homemade cupcakes she made.

Sunday, August 10, we went to Pepper's with my side of the family to celebrate her birthday and my Dad's 64th birthday.  She opened up her presents and we even walked across the street to enjoy some Dairy Queen after supper.

On Sunday, August 24th, we celebrated her birthday again with a party at Claire's with her closest friends.  It was make-up themed and to say the girls had a blast is quite the understatement.







Little Miss Seeri Eileen: you are truly special.  I adore your loving nature, your cautious approach, and your curious demeanor.  You were a surprise to your Daddy and I; the best surprise we have both ever gotten.  I cannot wait to watch you grow up in to a beautiful young woman!

We love you Seeri girl!