Heavy, I know. But, it is the reality I live in.
Parenting is hard. All of you who are parents understand this. All of a sudden you are in charge of this precious little being and absolutely NOTHING can prepare you for it. There are instantly a million decisions to be made; breast milk or formula, which pediatrician, which (insert baby item here) is safest, how to ween them from the bottle, how to sleep train, how to potty train, how to do EVERYTHING. And, wow, is there ever mountains and mountains of articles to read or unsolicited advice to be heard! Seriously, it can make your head spin and make you feel like you are constantly failing.
Then they grow up. Here come even more decisions and CHALLENGES. Where should they go to school? Should I sign them up for (insert sport/activity here) when they are two......okay, I know it doesn't happen this early, but geez, it feels like it. What ever happened to letting kids be kids? Sorry, mini rant over. How do I teach them genuine kindness, understanding, and compassion? How do I teach them to control their emotions? How do I teach them to be strong and independent? The list goes on and on.
And the worry. Oh, the worry! About everything that could possibly be imagined. Are they safe? Are they getting along well at school? Have I taught them the difference between right and wrong so that they make smart decisions? Have I taught them to respect themselves so they aren't negatively influenced?
IT. IS. CONSTANT. As a parent, my head NEVER turns off. Not only that, I rarely feel like I have done a good job. After the girls go to bed at night, I finally sit down, and the first thing I say to myself is, "well, I sucked today." I could have been more patient, I could have said more I love you's, I could have, I could have, I could have. I hate that feeling after everything I have been through. I feel pressure to make sure that I parent perfectly because I understand first hand how fast the blessing to be able to can be taken away from me. And when I lose my shit (pardon my language, but parents you have all been there), I feel guilt because, I, of all people, should be grateful and laugh at the moments when they drive me bat shit crazy. I have changed through of all this, yes, but I am still human too. I can only hear, Mommy!, so many times before it resembles the sound of nails on a chalkboard.
Now, take all of that and add being sick to it. I have spent a lot of time away from my children, they have visited me in hospitals, participated in therapy, seen the bruises and scars from all of my IV's and shots (their personal favorite-the 6" scar from the middle of my head to the base of my neck), watched me wobble walk, witnessed me fumble tasks with my left hand, and looked in to my crazy eyes more times than I can count. It is not fair for them.
Want to know what else they have been around a lot? Hearing me say, "I can't." We spent a ton of time together, just the five of us, outside this last weekend. Being outside is still a bit hard for me. First of all, my vision is incredibly limited as it is. Like everyone else, I squint when it's bright which takes away even more of my vision. Then, you add rock, mulch, or uneven grass or cement and I am suddenly in an extreme obstacle course with no sight! And being near them as they swing is treacherous. I have very limited depth perception so I have no idea how close I am to them when I am trying to push them. I may have been knocked back just a few times. Oh, and don't forget to add my 10 lb. weight restriction which takes away my ability to lift them. That is not an opportune restriction to have when you are at a park with a 2 year old.
So I say, "I can't."
Mom, can you help me up? No, I can't. Mom, can you play catch? No, I can't. Mom, can you hold my bike (JJ is learning how to ride without training wheels)? No, I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't. I think I said I can't to them more last weekend than I said I love you.
Big deal, right? I have restrictions and it's okay that they know that sometimes I just can't do it. Nope, it's not okay and I'll tell you why.
Today, I was at the park with Linden and Myah. I asked Linden to try something and what was her response? You guessed it..... I can't. It stopped me in my tracks. I taught her that. I taught her how to say I can't. I taught her to quit before she even tried. High five, Jamie.
Eventually, we moved over to the merry go round. Linden asked me to sit down so she could push me. I almost said I can't, because I can't. Going around in circles like that with bad vision and impaired senses.....DISASTER. But, instead I said, "I will try." She hesitated for a moment, like she was shocked by my answer, and then her entire face lit up with excitement. I sat down and she pushed me. I lasted a half of a round before I asked her to stop me. I couldn't do it, but I tried. It was important for me to show her that.
High five, Jamie.
Smith girls:
I do so many things wrong as a parent. But, it also my hope that I have done some things right. Even though the majority of this post outlines the stresses of being a parent, please don't think for a second that I don't love every second of it. Being your mother is my greatest accomplishment in life. You all bring a joy and beauty in to my day that I never could have expected. I love you all dearly.
I have so many dreams and wishes for you. And today, my most pressing wish is that you will always try. Trust and believe in yourself enough to give everything a shot, whether you think you can or not. Have courage and be brave. After all, you will never know what you are capable of until you try.
You might just surprise yourself.
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