Fight Back with Joy

There are many times in a day that I think to myself, "I would have never made it through all of this without _____."  That blank is filled by many things, but almost always it is filled by either my family or my friends.  The amount of kindness and encouragement I have been given and continue to receive is immeasurable.  Nearly everyday I have someone tell me they are praying for me, or I have a nice email, message, or post on my wall, or am simply welcomed by a huge smile, happy hello, and a warm hug by those around me.

I am also constantly asked how I continue to be strong, positive, and happy.  That answer is easy.

I AM because of YOU.

Reread my first paragraph.  It is impossible to feel Void of joy with what I encounter on a daily basis.

All of the messages I get are game changers for me.  Some inspire me, some motivate me, some teach me, and some make me feel like my heart could burst.  And some just click.

I was sent an email yesterday from one of my friends that said the following:

I love this author, and reading it made me instantly think of you. You fight everyday with joy and hope. You have taught us all so much.

http://www.shaunaniequist.com/fight-back-joy/

The words in her email alone made me tear up.  It is still unfathomable to me that people tell me that they learn from me.  Shoot, half the time I feel like I am barely holding on.  Like I am a floating bubble ready to pop at any minute. 

The link sent me to the blog of author, Sahuna Niequist.  The blog post was about a book entitled, Fight Back With Joy, written by her close friend, Margaret Feinberg.  Margaret is currently battling cancer.  An excerpt of the book follows a brief introduction of their friendship and Margaret's history.

Tears slowly fell as I read it.  I was emotional because I could relate on so many levels; right down to her explaining about how her husband could read her eyes.  And then as I continued to read it, something clicked.  Here are bits and pieces of what I found as my learning moment:    

It’s one thing to hunt for joy in the relatively good times of life, but to squint for it in the dark shadows. No one signs up for that assignment. No one.

......sooner or later we all find ourselves on the battlefield.

Sometimes you choose the fight. Sometimes the fight chooses you.

......All who find themselves in a confrontation—one they choose or one that is thrust upon them—face an important choice: What will you choose for weaponry?

.....We can choose to fight back with the crossbow of cynicism or sling arrows of spite. Like a throwing star, we may choose sharp complaints. Like a whip, we may attempt to control every little detail. Or perhaps, like me, a natural lover more than fighter, you’re drawn to the circular shield of denial and withdrawal.

 .....When it comes to the fights of life, we need joy to be our companion. 

I didn't choose this fight.  This fight definitely chose me.  But I did chose the weaponry of joy.  Actually, joy found me.  More so, joy is given to me.

Patrick gives me joy every minute of every day.  I feel it each time he tells me that I am strong and thanks me for fighting back and staying with him.   He gives me joy in the many ways he shows true selflessness for my well-being.  And there is no greater joy in the world than watching him be a father to our daughters.  The highlight of my day is watching the reaction of the girls when he gets home.  The big three race to the door, screaming Daddy at the top of their lungs, and about knock him over with the force of their hugs as he enters our home.  All the while, Myah crawls as fast as she can right behind them, stops, sits down, and claps and giggles until he picks her up.  That is the definition of joy.

My daughters each give me joy in their own ways.  Seeri in the way that she cares for and helps others.  Jaelyn through her spunk and zest for life.  Linden with her big smile and sweet "I love you's."  And Myah with her constant need to just BE with me.  They give me joy when they tell me to put a band-aid on my head so I can get better; ah, their innocence is beautiful.  Their hugs, their smiles, their silly faces; they just make me want to burst with joy.

My parents give me joy every time they tell me they are proud of me and in the ways that they still take care of their little girl.  My entire family gives me joy by pursuing their dreams and happiness; getting married, having babies, excelling in their careers and interests.  They are a powerful example of what it means to fight through the shadows and find a light.  They are always by our sides encouraging and supporting us.  We are never alone because of all of them.

My friends give me joy through the continual thoughtfulness and kindness they extend to me and my family.  If I embark on a new endeavor, they are always there to support me.  If I feel ill, they check-up on me.  If I am sad, they listen.  If I am happy, they celebrate with me.  They are more than friends.  They are family.

So, what is my weaponry in this fight?

The JOY that YOU ALL give me.

Thank you.

Taking Faith to the Next Level: Cailee Jo

On Monday morning, our summer nanny and dear friend, Cailee Jo, presented her senior chapel address at Wartburg College.  Her topic of discussion was about taking faith to the next level.  She had asked me if she could speak of her experience with us in her message.  I said yes without hesitation.

That morning she had emailed Patrick and I her speech.  I bawled as I read it.  The service had been uploaded to Knight Vision by lunch.  Patrick and I sat and watched it over our lunch break.  Please watch below.  It is the second one from the top and she begins her message at about the 17:50 minute marker.

Cailee Jo's Senior Chapel

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched her speak.  It was one thing to read her words, but to watch her interject her caring voice and positive and confident demeanor was just breathtaking.  I was so proud of her for speaking such wise words at a young age.  She made me feel honored, comforted, reassured, and hopeful all in the same breath.  Quite simply, I felt God's presence by my side as I watched with Patrick.  Like He was standing right there with us with His hands on our shoulders.    

I have spoken and written about my stroke many times.  But it is an entirely different experience to listen to others speak about it--how they reacted when they heard about it, how they view my recovery, what they have learned--it truly overwhelms me.

Sometimes I am apologetic when I hear these things.  I feel sorry for making them all so scared and worried and I struggle to hold back emotion because my heart aches for them.  It is almost suffocating in a way. All I want to do is comfort them but I can't because I am the reason they are hurting in the first place.  It is a very unique and confusing position to be in.

Other times, I feel really, really, freaking lucky.  When it all went down (my new summative phrase for the ER night) I was just focused on Myah and her safety.  I never really gave myself time to think about how serious it was for me.  To hear the story from other peoples perspective sheds a whole new light on that night.  I don't let myself think about it for too long because it is terrifying.

Most of the time I feel humbled, flattered, and honored.  It will never cease to amaze me how deeply beautiful and kind many people are.  I am constantly lifted up and shown hope and strength because of the graciousness I receive from others.  It is astounding what positive support and encouragement can do for a person.  

All the time, though, I am in complete disbelief.  I can't believe I had stroke and all the deficits and recovery that came with it.  I can't believe I was pregnant when it happened and have since delivered a healthy, happy, and beautiful little lady.  I can't believe I have been honored with an award, a benefit, a color run, scholarships, and a foundation.

I can't believe this is my life.

BUT, I LOVE IT.

When Patrick and I finished watching Cailee, I hugged him and we cried.  After awhile, he managed to ask me if I ever thought I would be the subject of Wartburg Chapel.  My response:  I can't believe a lot of things anymore.  How can I?  This all can't be real.  It is mind boggling to me.

But it is real and I learn something from it everyday.  As I watched Cailee, her convictions about faith touched me.  But the following is what inspired me (taken from Motivational Grid):

“You can always come up with an excuse why you can’t do [or believe in] something. And you can say ‘I’m going to wait for the conditions to be perfect before I go out [or believe in this]. The conditions are never perfect. If you wait for the conditions to be perfect, to make your dream a reality, [to truly believe in something], then you’re going to be sitting on your dream for the rest of your life. If you want something, go get it. [Believe in it.]”

“Ignore the non-believers. If you have an idea, you’re going to have people in your life who are doubters. Who don’t believe in what you’re doing. Who will tell you to do the safe thing, the smart thing…that your dream [or belief] is just not possible [or right]. All you get hit with is negativity. People saying ‘no, no, no, no, no’ and telling you all the reasons why it’s not going to work out. And it’s so dangerous, because you have a little bit of doubt yourself. And if all you hear is no, and all you see is darkness around you, at some point, this is where a lot of people fall down. Because what happens is you start believing in other people and what their saying more than you believe in yourself [and what you believe]. And you end up quitting. You stopped believing in yourself and you started believing the doubters.” 

And to finish this post there is nothing better than these words from Cailee herself:

I encourage you to stop asking the questions of “why me” and “why now”.

Instead, remember those from the past and those around you who have changed these questions into “how can you use me because of this?”: people like Samson, Gideon, Sarah, Moses, Noah, and Jamie Smith.

Ask yourself “what do I believe” and remember the promises that God gives us.

Make your faith personal.

Believe in you---not the doubters.    

Do better. Be better.

And take your faith to the next level.