On Tuesday morning, April 8, 2014, Pajamie will finally arrive. I am so incredibly excited and so incredibly frightened at the same time. I am not worried for Pajamie, but rather I am scared for myself. She is not the one that is sick; I am.
Our last two appointments at Mayo have been about the specifics of delivery. The medicine I will receive to block pain messages to my brain, every detailed minute of before, during, and after the C-section, the type of care her and I will receive should any problem arise, etc. My doctors and anesthesiologists believe that Pajamie's birth will be no different than any other healthy full-term birth. They tell me over and over again that she is healthy and that I am healthy and strong. That the C-section will be a breeze.
36 weeks, 37 weeks, 38 weeks
But every time they explain something to me or fill me in on all of the possible scenarios, I just freak out inside. Two appointments ago the doctor was giving me a pretty detailed minute to minute account of the C-section. The entire time I didn't think about Pajamie once. How awful is that? What kind of mother am I if I don't think about my daughter? All I could think was, "Is that going to be the point in time where my CM bleeds again?" Pajamie is not the problem. I know they will deliver her smoothly and she will do amazing. I am the problem. What if I can't stay calm enough and fail to regulate my heart rate and blood pressure? What if the medication in the spinal tap triggers a bleed? Will those things plus the stress of a surgery be enough to upset my CM? I became so overwhelmed during the appointment that I think I had my first ever panic attack. I started to sweat, my heart was racing, and I had to get up and leave abruptly. When I came back I told everyone that we were not allowed to talk specifics anymore. I just need to go in to tomorrow blind and clueless.
39 weeks
If I have learned anything on this journey it is that having mental strength is 99.9% of recovery. So, I have decided that I am just going to have to hand it over to God like I did the night of my stroke. I will close my eyes, think about all the good in my life, and focus on the feeling of Patrick's hand in mine. This birth should not be something that is clouded by fear. I should be bursting with excitement and joy and I am going to try my best to make sure that is the experience that Pajamie, Patrick, and I share together. I want to be able to tell her someday how beautiful her birth was. How excited and overjoyed her father and I were. I am determined for that to be the story we are able to share with her someday.
To my littlest peanut:
It's you and me girl. We have waited nine very long and challenging months to meet each other. I cannot wait to look into your baby blues, kiss your cheek, rub the
soft skin of your back, and have you nuzzle in under my neck. I am
eager for the moment when your Daddy lays his eyes on you for the first
time and you instantly wrap him around your little finger. I am excited
for your sisters to meet you and immediately start fighting about who
gets to hold you first; that happy noise that comes with us uniting as a
family of six. We will forever share the bond of this journey and I cannot wait to tell you everyday as you grow up how much of a little warrior you are. I promise to forever protect, guide, and support you. You are loved more than you will ever know.
Our last picture together as just the four girls. (Sunday, April 6)
Seeri and Linden saying hello to their sister.
It was a highlight of every day for your big sister's to rip a ring off of your countdown chain!
Our countdown chain. The pink one was decorated by Seeri and the yellow one by Jaelyn. Linden supervised! ;-)
Today is a special day of remembrance in our household. Patrick's mom, Patricia Eileen Seery Smith, would have celebrated her 70th birthday today. Breast cancer claimed her at a young age, but I am sure she watches over us everyday from Heaven.
I never got the chance to meet her so I cannot speak of her first hand. However, I know she was an amazing woman. How? She raised four incredible children, one of which I am lucky enough to call my husband. Kelli, Jon, Tom, and Patrick are the most kind, compassionate, and selfless people I know. Her time with them was too short, but yet she made a huge impact on them and raised them right. Speaking from a mother's perspective; one that may too be different than how I initially envisioned it, I realize how monumental of a task that really is. To try to fit everything in that your want your children to know, learn, and be in a shortened time is such a great and important task. I admire her for that.
I also know that she is my personal guardian angel. I know that she has been with me, with us, every last minute of this journey. I pictured her standing by my hospital bed, riding in the helicopter, and walking beside me with her hands ready to catch me as I completed all of my therapy. I imagined her hugging Patrick to give him strength as he comforted me. I have no doubt that she will be there with us next Tuesday as we welcome Pajamie into our family.
I will meet her someday in Heaven. I dream of that moment being one of pure joy and appreciation for her. I hope that she will love me and be proud to call me her daughter-in-law. Until that moment, I will try everyday to honor her for being my guardian angel.
The "Do Better. Be Better." award. Logo courtesy of Sara Fitzgerald.
Last night was the Session 13 Potluck. Patrick and I had a plaque made for the winner of the "Do Better. Be Better." award. We had to of course use the bright red plate; the color that represents stroke awareness and prevention. We also had a plaque made for the gym that will honor all of the
session winners. We used the graphics that Sara Fitzgerald produced for
my blog and I think they turned out great!
Ran Downs, owner of Next Level Extreme Fitness, and I.
Session history plaque for the gym. Logo courtesy of Sara Fitzgerald.
I debated attending the potluck. We were 10 days away from having Pajamie, but that wasn't the reason. I knew that I would present the award and I wanted to say a few words to thank everyone after. The problem--I hate being the center of attention and speaking in front of people gives me massive anxiety. I also didn't want people to get sick of us---seriously, them again?? But if I am being completely honest, those excuses weren't the reason why I was really scared.
I am open about my stroke and how I feel but that doesn't mean that it ever gets easier. Or really that it ever sinks in that it happened or that it is a real possibility it could happen again because of the CM that is hanging out in my brain stem. Fact of the matter is, I feel like I am in an alternate universe all the time. I have changed but nothing around me has. I feel like one of these days I am somehow going to find the secret passageway and be transported back to the universe I came from and all of this is just going to be apart of another life that the other Jamie lived. Except I know that only happens in the movies. It is just so weird to say, "I had a stroke. I am 38 weeks pregnant. It could happen again. But, I am doing well!" People try to understand and want to understand, but they just can't. That isn't their fault. The vulnerability that comes with dealing with the daily battle of acceptance is what makes it hard to speak about it.
But I knew that I would forever regret it if I didn't go and didn't speak. So, I did. Ryan explained our story and said unbelievably kind things about us that touched my heart. He then handed the mic to me and I said hello and how great it was to see everyone and be there. But as soon as I said it my mind instantly went through a flashback reel of everything I had been through the last five months. The week of uncertainty, the ER, the ICU, all the doctors appointments, the high's and the low's. In those 15 seconds my mind just raced and I about broke down crying. I didn't know in that moment if I was going to be able to speak. I really was so, so happy to be there. It meant in a way that I had beat my stroke. My thoughts frazzled me for a moment until I was able to tell myself to just take my mind to another place. Amazingly, I slowly recovered and made it through without crying.
I am so glad I went and so glad I spoke. It was great to overcome my fear and it was even better to see everyone. I really enjoyed meeting many new people and to hear that my story was inspiring to them was such a pick me up. I left the potluck feeling blissfully happy. Like I said when I spoke, because of everything that the people of this program have done for me, I don't feel sick. I feel loved, blessed, and lucky. I made memories I will hold dear to my heart forever.
There were some technical difficulties with the video of my speech. I have included what I can remember that I said below though. Obviously, there was a bit of ad lib and such, but this is the bulk of it.
After my stroke I started to write and there are three things that I write a lot about.
Life
is all about choices. The night I had my stroke I had to make a choice.
I could let my stroke win or I could fight with all that I have. I
chose to fight with all that I have. I wake up every morning and choose
to fight. Some days it is harder to do than others, but I still make
that choice. It is just like when you are in a week 10 gauntlet, 45
minutes in, with no drink break, and Downs has you do 50 narrow wides!
First of all, you all know those are a planned part of the workout
right? I mean we could all be doing high knee sprints during combo
breaks and he would still say that someone wasn't moving their feet. Am I
right? Anyways, at that moment you have a choice: you can say are you kidding
me? or say bring it on! I choose to say bring it on everyday.
Attitude is everything. What happened to me really sucked. But, I
can't change anything about. I can control how I react to it thought. I
want my stroke to be a positive experience. I want to learn from it and
become better. It is just like a ten week session at next level. It is
so hard and you just feel like you are failing over and over again. But
your not. Because no matter if you can or can't do something you are
still better than you were five minutes ago. That is how I look at my
stroke; I want to be better than I was five minutes ago. I am only going
to get there if I remain positive.
Finally, God doesn't do anything by accident. The night of my stroke I was
terrified of losing my mental functioning. I just kept thinking about
all the important stuff in my life over and over and over again. Then,
all of a sudden, I though, "holy shit what if I can never do next level
again?" I realize it is a totally irrational thing to when your brain is bleeding, but I was in a massive panic
about this! Yes, I love the intensity of the workouts, the
atmosphere, and the feeling of empowerment you feel when you walk out of
that room. But what I love the most is the people. I firmly believe
that God led Patrick to this program nearly two years ago so that our
lives knowing full well you would be our greatest lifeline the last five
months. The adopt a family, this award, the meal train, helping with
the kids, the bracelets, the t-shirts, the countless messages; I will
just never be able to say thank you enough. I don't feel sick. I feel loved, blessed, and lucky. I would not be where I am at
today if it wasn't for all of you and that is something I am not sure how I will repay. But I am sure going to try.
So with all of that being said, Ryan can you come up here. Patrick and I had this made for the gym to honor all future session winners of this award. A huge thank you to Sara Fitzgerald for designing all the artwork on the plaques. There are 36 plates on it, which means 8 1/2 years of winners so I hope you are in it for the long haul! I pray everyday for you and
your trainers and for the continued success of next level. Thank you so
much for what you have done for us.
And with that, you know I gotta say it right? Do Better. Be Better.
How AWESOME are these shoelace plates?! Thank you Amanda Riggins,
owner of Lady and the Stamp! Like her page on Facebook. She makes
super cute personalized gifts and has pictures of everything she makes on her page. She will customize anything to your liking and is insanely reasonably priced! I
also have a necklace with all the girls' names and our anniversary date
and of course, a "Do Better. Be Better." bracelet. She was also the creator of my black "Do Better. Be Better." support t-shirts. Like I have said a million times, how lucky am I to have amazing people like this in my life?!
Created by Amanda Riggins, owner of Lady and the Stamp. Like her page on Facebook!
I have to show this video taken on November 5, 2013 before I start with my five month update. I found it by accident as I was deleting the millions of selfies my daughters took on the iPad. I had no idea it existed. This was eleven days after my stroke. I had received my eye patch on November 1 but tried as much as possible to refrain from using it if I was doing a task that could be performed without it. Pay close attention to my right eye as I get close to the camera. You will notice that it doesn't blink when my left eye does. My eye was not receiving signals from my brain and I had NO idea it wasn't blinking until I watched this. I do not turn my head or look down as I walked. Too much movement made me nauseous and my vision (it was like looking through a kaleidoscope) messed with my depth perception so looking around, especially down, was quite the trip. My left hip dipped to the side and my left ankle rolled outward as I walked. The movements with my left leg are also mechanical and unnatural. All of this was due to my lack of sensation and sensory input that my brain was receiving. Finally, I was slow. My left side felt so heavy that turning around a cone made me feel like I was just going to tip over.
I cried when I watched this. I knew I was in very bad shape. But I had not seen a video that exposed all of my physical limitations, with the exception of my left hand fine motor function, this well and simultaneously. I am sure if I saw a video of my eyes tracking or my left hand trying to complete the nine-hole peg test I would be even more emotional. I understand why I could see worry on peoples faces as they visited. I was physically broken. If I were on the other side, I would have been worried and heartbroken for this person too. It is crazy to think of how much I have overcome in such a short amount of time.
Enough with the past....lets move on to the present! I am going to organize this post into body parts for ease of reading like I did my three month anniversary post.
Memory/Cognitive Functioning: Was never affected by my stroke and still remains in tact. Thank goodness! I do not ever want to stop being "me."
Head/Neck/Left Ear: Movement and functioning are all completely normal and 100% functioning. I have not had dizziness since week one of recovery and with the exception of the day I ended up in the ER, I have never had headaches. Even the one I had was slight. I would actually describe it as feeling pressure in my head rather than an ache.
Right Eye: I have moved down to a 20 (started at 30, then 25) in prism
strength to correct my double vision. I see so much clearer because
there are not as many grooves in the stick on prism as were in the other
strengths. I can still see them at times, but my vision is much
improved. We go back to the neuroopthamologist on May 19. I pray
everyday that I will be able to wear contacts by June 1 because I hate
wearing glasses in the summer heat. BUT, if the worst I have to deal
with is glasses, then I will take it! My right eye is still not mid-line
but it is only slightly closer to my nose. You would have to really look at me to notice
it. My right eye, from what everyone tells me, blinks normally and
tracks pretty dang close to normal. Without my glasses, I still see
double. However, there are times when I am not sure if I am seeing
double or just blurry. If I look at something, the double image is to
the left of it. That double image is right next to it and I only see
the outer left edge of it. The image fades in clarity and leaves a few
inches of space between itself and the actual image.
The full circle is the actual image. The half moon is the double image. I only see the outer left edge of that image. The double image fades in clarity as it nears the actual image. I couldn't figure out how to do this on my computer but imagine that half moon getting lighter in color as it nears the circle until eventually there is about an inch to two inches of space between the two images.
I can see up to about two feet in every direction singularly. If I focus extremely hard on something I can usually get it to go to a singular image. However, it takes A LOT of focus. My neuroopthamologist says I can do this because 1) I am retraining my eyes and brain to communicate. 2) My right eye is my dominant eye and it really wants to remain dominant.
Left Arm/Left Leg:Both my arm and legfunction at about 95% and feel about 90%. I would not be able to run, jump, or lift weights. BUT, I can do everything else at pretty close to the same speed I always used to and I walk completely normal. My movements are much more natural and fluid and my strength is probably at 90%. When I flex my quads, my left feels pretty close to my right. My balance is probably at 95%. My growing belly contributes that that a bit! I never worry about falling. Both my left arm and leg still feel stiff, especially my toes and fingers. When I get fatigued they become more stiff. Or if Patrick gives me a back, neck, or foot massage they feel more stiff. Picture your extremities having dried wax on them or arthritis without the pain and I think you would be able to relate to what I feel. People would no longer be able to notice the deficiencies on my left side, but I can feel them. My sensation in my leg and arm is probably at 95%. I can tell now when I am on my toes or heals and I can feel how much pressure I have on my elbow, wrist, hip, knee, and ankle.
Left Hand: My fine motor function is at about 90%. There is nothing I can't do, it just may take me a bit longer and require a little more focus. My hand and fingers are moving much more naturally. I sometimes just need to remind them to curl rather than stay straight. They respond correctly when I remind them, but I never used to need to remind them! I can type at about 80% of what I used to. It is difficult because my pinky finger and ring finger still are a little disobedient and like to work as one a lot. I do not think my sensation has improved much in the last two months. It still feel things like you would if you were wearing thin gloves. I can feel my wedding ring on my ring finger a bit more but still not enough to trust knowing if it would ever fall off. So it stays on my right hand!
Stamina: My stamina is great! Any tiredness and discomfort I feel is from my pregnancy and the daily changes my body experiences. I did go on a walk with the girls last week. I was wearing winter boots, pushing Linden in the stroller, and walking a few hills. We went about a mile. I took it very slow and could definitely feel the fatigue in my left side. Everything just becomes much more stiff when I tire. On the positive side, my heartbeat remained low and I never became short of breath, lightheaded, or dizzy.
So how do I feel?
GREAT! My eye is the only thing that makes me feel sick or disabled. I think it bothers me still because it's the only deficit I have that others can notice. When I am around those that know my story I am not bothered by my eye. But when I am around complete strangers I feel like they are trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I understand that I could be crazy thinking this, but I can't shake the feeling. It makes me want to start every conversation with, "I had a stroke in October." just to get the awkward tension out of the way.
Other than that I feel strong and healthy. I am so unbelievably happy and feel enormously blessed because of the AMAZING people I have in my life. Yes, there are moments when I am overcome by fear of the what if's, but 99% of the time I am just trying to do my best to enjoy my second chance at life that I have been lucky enough to receive.
And then there is Pajamie. In 14 days she will bless our family with her arrival. Other than obviously having a stroke, this pregnancy resembles my other three. Same symptoms, same weight gain, everything. She has been insanely easy on me considering I have been absolutely awful to her! I am so ready for the moment when I hear her first cry, when she is placed on my chest, and I can kiss the soft skin of her forehead. I don't think I am ever going to want to stop holding her. I am just so ready for the feeling of overwhelming joy. I have never been more excited or more ready to meet one of our children.
The last two months I have not experienced the major improvements that others would notice like I did the first three months. But I consider becoming more "natural" in my movements a major accomplishment. It means my body and my brain are starting to coexist again and there is nothing better than that. Most importantly, I am slowly transitioning into accepting Jamie 2.0. I am beginning to find peace with what has happened to me and learning to regard it as a blessing rather than a curse. This mental and emotional shift has sky rocketed my improvement.
I woke up with a massive leg cramp an hour ago. I can't fall back to sleep so instead I am doing what I always do these days; thinking and writing!
Last night we found out that Next Level Extreme Fitness had chosen us as their first Adopt A Family. It is a new feature of their program that they are starting this session. Every session they are going to choose one family that is in need and throw different fundraisers to help them. For us, they have created a diaper, wipe, and formula drive to help care for Pajamie. I am providing you the link below so that if you ever know one of the highlighted families and want to help you can access their information from my blog.
I just started balling when I read their post. This program and the people associated with it have already done so much for our family and now they are doing more. I have been trying to find a word that adequately describes how I feel but I can't choose just one. I feel blessed, loved, humbled, honored, lucky, happy, protected, encouraged, motivated, inspired, and happy. I am just overwhelmed with emotion, gratitude, and appreciation for Next Level Extreme Fitness and this family.
I had to write after hearing this news. I just had to express to everyone again how much they meant to me.
Facebook post from March 24, 2014
Is it
possible to feel like the most unlucky person and the most lucky person
all at the same time? I had this really bad thing happen to me but
because of the kindness and love from of all of you all I feel is
extremely blessed and loved. I just wish there was something I could
say other than thank you that would express even an ounce of how
grateful I am. I have said this before, but I will say it again-- I am
where I am at today because of all of you. You lift me up when I am
down, you motivate me to fight, and most of all, you inspire me to "Do
Better. Be Better. "
It is no secret that I am a huge advocate for Next Level Extreme Fitness. I think you can understand why if you read through my blog. NLXF has locations in Cedar Falls, Waverly, and Mason City. I wouldn't be surprised if more locations opened in the future. If you are near one of these locations I strongly urge you to give it a shot. You will be making a positive step in creating a healthier you and complete some VERY intense workouts that will test you physically and mentally. But most of all, you will meet some amazing trainers and people that you will soon consider family. Next Level Extreme Fitness has changed my life and I have no doubt it could do the same for you.
As can be imagined, the last five months have not been the easiest. The old saying, "When it rains, it pours." has been ringing loud, clear, and strong in our household. It seems as though every time we turn around we are faced with another obstacle or heartache, whether it be us directly, our family, or our friends.
I have been very honest about how I have struggled to remain faithful and trusting in God. It is especially hard when people offer that "God only gives you what you can handle," or "He only gives hardship to those that are strong." I understand that people are just trying to offer me comfort and compliment me on my strength, but I DO NOT believe any of that. How unfair is that? If I am strong, I shouldn't be punished with pain and heartache. I have felt intense anger and betrayal towards Him at times. I often blamed Him for what has happened. Why did He do this to me? Why did He do this to my family? What did I do to deserve it? I have been participating in an inner battle to try to remain steadfast in my faith despite all the heartache I have been experiencing.
I was thinking today about my improvements and the aforementioned inner battle when it suddenly dawned on me. The God I worship and believe in would not have hurt me like this. He would not have sacrificed Himself for my sins and then turned around and subjected me to pain. Instead He would listen, protect me, guide me, and offer me strength.
Who is to blame then? The devil? It is the only evil that I can imagine that would be strong enough to break my faith. He does his best to test me, break me, and hurt me. He is responsible, not God.
God is not to blame. I am right to trust Him. In my times of heartache He is there to comfort and lift me up. He asks to take the load from me when it becomes to much to bear. Sometimes I need to surrender it to him until I am ready to take it back.
So, I leave you with a verse that I read everyday. It has given me so much strength the last five months and reminds me to remain faithful in Him.
