NLXF Potluck #2--The People Of This Program Have Stole My Heart

Angelo Greer, Session 13 winner, and I.

The "Do Better.  Be Better." award.  Logo courtesy of Sara Fitzgerald.

Last night was the Session 13 Potluck.  Patrick and I had a plaque made for the winner of the "Do Better.  Be Better." award.  We had to of course use the bright red plate; the color that represents stroke awareness and prevention. We also had a plaque made for the gym that will honor all of the session winners.  We used the graphics that Sara Fitzgerald produced for my blog and I think they turned out great!

Ran Downs, owner of Next Level Extreme Fitness, and I.

Session history plaque for the gym.  Logo courtesy of Sara Fitzgerald.

I debated attending the potluck.  We were 10 days away from having Pajamie, but that wasn't the reason.  I knew that I would present the award and I wanted to say a few words to thank everyone after.  The problem--I hate being the center of attention and speaking in front of people gives me massive anxiety.  I also didn't want people to get sick of us---seriously, them again??  But if I am being completely honest, those excuses weren't the reason why I was really scared.

I am open about my stroke and how I feel but that doesn't mean that it ever gets easier.  Or really that it ever sinks in that it happened or that it is a real possibility it could happen again because of the CM that is hanging out in my brain stem.  Fact of the matter is, I feel like I am in an alternate universe all the time.  I have changed but nothing around me has.  I feel like one of these days I am somehow going to find the secret passageway and be transported back to the universe I came from and all of this is just going to be apart of another life that the other Jamie lived.  Except I know that only happens in the movies.  It is just so weird to say, "I had a stroke.  I am 38 weeks pregnant.  It could happen again.  But, I am doing well!"  People try to understand and want to understand, but they just can't.  That isn't their fault.  The vulnerability that comes with dealing with the daily battle of acceptance is what makes it hard to speak about it.

But I knew that I would forever regret it if I didn't go and didn't speak.  So, I did.  Ryan explained our story and said unbelievably kind things about us that touched my heart.   He then handed the mic to me and I said hello and how great it was to see everyone and be there.  But as soon as I said it my mind instantly went through a flashback reel of everything I had been through the last five months.  The week of uncertainty, the ER, the ICU, all the doctors appointments, the high's and the low's.  In those 15 seconds my mind just raced and I about broke down crying.  I didn't know in that moment if I was going to be able to speak.  I really was so, so happy to be there.  It meant in a way that I had beat my stroke.  My thoughts frazzled me for a moment until I was able to tell myself to just take my mind to another place.  Amazingly, I slowly recovered and made it through without crying.

I am so glad I went and so glad I spoke. It was great to overcome my fear and it was even better to see everyone.  I really enjoyed meeting many new people and to hear that my story was inspiring to them was such a pick me up.  I left the potluck feeling blissfully happy.  Like I said when I spoke, because of everything that the people of this program have done for me, I don't feel sick.  I feel loved, blessed, and lucky.  I made memories I will hold dear to my heart forever.

There were some technical difficulties with the video of my speech.  I have included what I can remember that I said below though.  Obviously, there was a bit of ad lib and such, but this is the bulk of it.

After my stroke I started to write and there are three things that I write a lot about.

Life is all about choices. The night I had my stroke I had to make a choice. I could let my stroke win or I could fight with all that I have. I chose to fight with all that I have. I wake up every morning and choose to fight. Some days it is harder to do than others, but I still make that choice. It is just like when you are in a week 10 gauntlet, 45 minutes in, with no drink break, and Downs has you do 50 narrow wides! First of all, you all know those are a planned part of the workout right? I mean we could all be doing high knee sprints during combo breaks and he would still say that someone wasn't moving their feet. Am I right? Anyways, at that moment you have a choice: you can say are you kidding me? or say bring it on! I choose to say bring it on everyday.

Attitude is everything. What happened to me really sucked. But, I can't change anything about. I can control how I react to it thought. I want my stroke to be a positive experience. I want to learn from it and become better. It is just like a ten week session at next level. It is so hard and you just feel like you are failing over and over again. But your not. Because no matter if you can or can't do something you are still better than you were five minutes ago. That is how I look at my stroke; I want to be better than I was five minutes ago. I am only going to get there if I remain positive.

Finally, God doesn't do anything by accident. The night of my stroke I was terrified of losing my mental functioning. I just kept thinking about all the important stuff in my life over and over and over again. Then, all of a sudden, I though, "holy shit what if I can never do next level again?"  I realize it is a totally irrational thing to when your brain is bleeding, but I was in a massive panic about this! Yes, I love the intensity of the workouts, the atmosphere, and the feeling of empowerment you feel when you walk out of that room. But what I love the most is the people. I firmly believe that God led Patrick to this program nearly two years ago so that our lives knowing full well you would be our greatest lifeline the last five months. The adopt a family, this award, the meal train, helping with the kids, the bracelets, the t-shirts, the countless messages; I will just never be able to say thank you enough. I don't feel sick.  I feel loved, blessed, and lucky.  I would not be where I am at today if it wasn't for all of you and that is something I am not sure how I will repay.  But I am sure going to try.

So with all of that being said, Ryan can you come up here. Patrick and I had this made for the gym to honor all future session winners of this award.  A huge thank you to Sara Fitzgerald for designing all the artwork on the plaques. There are 36 plates on it, which means 8 1/2 years of winners so I hope you are in it for the long haul!  I pray everyday for you and your trainers and for the continued success of next level. Thank you so much for what you have done for us. 

And with that, you know I gotta say it right? Do Better. Be Better.

What was captured of the speech!

"Do Better. Be Better." Shoelace Plates

How AWESOME are these shoelace plates?!  Thank you Amanda Riggins, owner of Lady and the Stamp!   Like her page on Facebook.  She makes super cute personalized gifts and has pictures of everything she makes on her page.  She will customize anything to your liking and is insanely reasonably priced!  I also have a necklace with all the girls' names and our anniversary date and of course, a "Do Better.  Be Better." bracelet.  She was also the creator of my black "Do Better.  Be Better." support t-shirts.  Like I have said a million times, how lucky am I to have amazing people like this in my life?!

Created by Amanda Riggins, owner of Lady and the Stamp.  Like her page on Facebook!

Five Month Anniversary

I have to show this video taken on November 5, 2013 before I start with my five month update.  I found it by accident as I was deleting the millions of selfies my daughters took on the iPad.  I had no idea it existed.  This was eleven days after my stroke.  I had received my eye patch on November 1 but tried as much as possible to refrain from using it if I was doing a task that could be performed without it.  Pay close attention to my right eye as I get close to the camera.  You will notice that it doesn't blink when my left eye does.  My eye was not receiving signals from my brain and I had NO idea it wasn't blinking until I watched this.  I do not turn my head or look down as I walked.  Too much movement made me nauseous and my vision (it was like looking through a kaleidoscope) messed with my depth perception so looking around, especially down, was quite the trip.  My left hip dipped to the side and my left ankle rolled outward as I walked.  The movements with my left leg are also mechanical and unnatural.  All of this was due to my lack of sensation and sensory input that my brain was receiving.  Finally, I was slow.  My left side felt so heavy that turning around a cone made me feel like I was just going to tip over.

I cried when I watched this.  I knew I was in very bad shape.  But I had not seen a video that exposed all of my physical limitations, with the exception of my left hand fine motor function, this well and simultaneously.  I am sure if I saw a video of my eyes tracking or my left hand trying to complete the nine-hole peg test I would be even more emotional.  I understand why I could see worry on peoples faces as they visited.  I was physically broken.  If I were on the other side, I would have been worried and heartbroken for this person too.   It is crazy to think of how much I have overcome in such a short amount of time.

Enough with the past....lets move on to the present!  I am going to organize this post into body parts for ease of reading like I did my three month anniversary post.

Memory/Cognitive Functioning: Was never affected by my stroke and still remains in tact.  Thank goodness!  I do not ever want to stop being "me."

Head/Neck/Left Ear:  Movement and functioning are all completely normal and 100% functioning.  I have not had dizziness since week one of recovery and with the exception of the day I ended up in the ER, I have never had headaches.  Even the one I had was slight.  I would actually describe it as feeling pressure in my head rather than an ache.

Right Eye:  I have moved down to a 20 (started at 30, then 25) in prism strength to correct my double vision.  I see so much clearer because there are not as many grooves in the stick on prism as were in the other strengths.  I can still see them at times, but my vision is much improved.  We go back to the neuroopthamologist on May 19.  I pray everyday that I will be able to wear contacts by June 1 because I hate wearing glasses in the summer heat.  BUT, if the worst I have to deal with is glasses, then I will take it!  My right eye is still not mid-line but it is only slightly closer to my nose.  You would have to really look at me to notice it.  My right eye, from what everyone tells me, blinks normally and tracks pretty dang close to normal.  Without my glasses, I still see double.  However, there are times when I am not sure if I am seeing double or just blurry.  If I look at something, the double image is to the left of it.  That double image is right next to it and I only see the outer left edge of it.  The image fades in clarity and leaves a few inches of space between itself and the actual image.

The full circle is the actual image.  The half moon is the double image.  I only see the outer left edge of that image.  The double image fades in clarity as it nears the actual image.  I couldn't figure out how to do this on my computer but imagine that half moon getting lighter in color as it nears the circle until eventually there is about an inch to two inches of space between the two images.

I can see up to about two feet in every direction singularly.  If I focus extremely hard on something I can usually get it to go to a singular image.  However, it takes A LOT of focus.  My neuroopthamologist says I can do this because 1) I am retraining my eyes and brain to communicate.  2) My right eye is my dominant eye and it really wants to remain dominant.

Left Arm/Left Leg: Both my arm and leg function at about 95% and feel about 90%.  I would not be able to run, jump, or lift weights.  BUT, I can do everything else at pretty close to the same speed I always used to and I walk completely normal.  My movements are much more natural and fluid and my strength is probably at 90%.  When I flex my quads, my left feels pretty close to my right.  My balance is probably at 95%.  My growing belly contributes that that a bit!  I never worry about falling.  Both my left arm and leg still feel stiff, especially my toes and fingers.  When I get fatigued they become more stiff.  Or if Patrick gives me a back, neck, or foot massage they feel more stiff.  Picture your extremities having dried wax on them or arthritis without the pain and I think you would be able to relate to what I feel. People would no longer be able to notice the deficiencies on my left side, but I can feel them.  My sensation in my leg and arm is probably at 95%.  I can tell now when I am on my toes or heals and I can feel how much pressure I have on my elbow, wrist, hip, knee, and ankle.

Left Hand: My fine motor function is at about 90%.  There is nothing I can't do, it just may take me a bit longer and require a little more focus.  My hand and fingers are moving much more naturally.  I sometimes just need to remind them to curl rather than stay straight.  They respond correctly when I remind them, but I never used to need to remind them!  I can type at about 80% of what I used to.  It is difficult because my pinky finger and ring finger still are a little disobedient and like to work as one a lot.  I do not think my sensation has improved much in the last two months.  It still feel things like you would if you were wearing thin gloves.  I can feel my wedding ring on my ring finger a bit more but still not enough to trust knowing if it would ever fall off.  So it stays on my right hand!

Stamina: My stamina is great!  Any tiredness and discomfort I feel is from my pregnancy and the daily changes my body experiences.  I did go on a walk with the girls last week.  I was wearing winter boots, pushing Linden in the stroller, and walking a few hills.  We went about a mile.  I took it very slow and could definitely feel the fatigue in my left side.  Everything just becomes much more stiff when I tire.  On the positive side, my heartbeat remained low and I never became short of breath, lightheaded, or dizzy.

So how do I feel?

GREAT!  My eye is the only thing that makes me feel sick or disabled.  I think it bothers me still because it's the only deficit I have that others can notice.  When I am around those that know my story I am not bothered by my eye.  But when I am around complete strangers I feel like they are trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  I understand that I could be crazy thinking this, but I can't shake the feeling.  It makes me want to start every conversation with, "I had a stroke in October."  just to get the awkward tension out of the way.

Other than that I feel strong and healthy.  I am so unbelievably happy and feel enormously blessed because of the AMAZING people I have in my life.  Yes, there are moments when I am overcome by fear of the what if's, but 99% of the time I am just trying to do my best to enjoy my second chance at life that I have been lucky enough to receive.  

And then there is Pajamie.  In 14 days she will bless our family with her arrival.  Other than obviously having a stroke, this pregnancy resembles my other three.  Same symptoms, same weight gain, everything.  She has been insanely easy on me considering I have been absolutely awful to her!  I am so ready for the moment when I hear her first cry, when she is placed on my chest, and I can kiss the soft skin of her forehead.  I don't think I am ever going to want to stop holding her.  I am just so ready for the feeling of overwhelming joy.  I have never been more excited or more ready to meet one of our children.

The last two months I have not experienced the major improvements that others would notice like I did the first three months.  But I consider becoming more "natural" in my movements a major accomplishment.  It means my body and my brain are starting to coexist again and there is nothing better than that.  Most importantly, I am slowly transitioning into accepting Jamie 2.0.  I am beginning to find peace with what has happened to me and learning to regard it as a blessing rather than a curse.  This mental and emotional shift has sky rocketed my improvement.

Cheers to five months post stroke!

NLXF Adopt A Family

I woke up with a massive leg cramp an hour ago.  I can't fall back to sleep so instead I am doing what I always do these days; thinking and writing!

Last night we found out that Next Level Extreme Fitness had chosen us as their first Adopt A Family.  It is a new feature of their program that they are starting this session.  Every session they are going to choose one family that is in need and throw different fundraisers to help them.  For us, they have created a diaper, wipe, and formula drive to help care for Pajamie.  I am providing you the link below so that if you ever know one of the highlighted families and want to help you can access their information from my blog.

NLXF Adopt A Family

I just started balling when I read their post.  This program and the people associated with it have already done so much for our family and now they are doing more.  I have been trying to find a word that adequately describes how I feel but I can't choose just one.  I feel blessed, loved, humbled, honored, lucky, happy, protected, encouraged, motivated, inspired, and happy.  I am just overwhelmed with emotion, gratitude, and appreciation for Next Level Extreme Fitness and this family.

I had to write after hearing this news.  I just had to express to everyone again how much they meant to me.

Facebook post from March 24, 2014

Is it possible to feel like the most unlucky person and the most lucky person all at the same time? I had this really bad thing happen to me but because of the kindness and love from of all of you all I feel is extremely blessed and loved. I just wish there was something I could say other than thank you that would express even an ounce of how grateful I am. I have said this before, but I will say it again-- I am where I am at today because of all of you. You lift me up when I am down, you motivate me to fight, and most of all, you inspire me to "Do Better. Be Better. "

It is no secret that I am a huge advocate for Next Level Extreme Fitness.  I think you can understand why if you read through my blog.  NLXF has locations in Cedar Falls, Waverly, and Mason City.  I wouldn't be surprised if more locations opened in the future.  If you are near one of these locations I strongly urge you to give it a shot.  You will be making a positive step in creating a healthier you and complete some VERY intense workouts that will test you physically and mentally.  But most of all, you will meet some amazing trainers and people that you will soon consider family.  Next Level Extreme Fitness has changed my life and I have no doubt it could do the same for you.

Jeremiah 29:11

As can be imagined, the last five months have not been the easiest.  The old saying, "When it rains, it pours." has been ringing loud, clear, and strong in our household.  It seems as though every time we turn around we are faced with another obstacle or heartache, whether it be us directly, our family, or our friends.

I have been very honest about how I have struggled to remain faithful and trusting in God.  It is especially hard when people offer that "God only gives you what you can handle," or "He only gives hardship to those that are strong."  I understand that people are just trying to offer me comfort and compliment me on my strength, but I DO NOT believe any of that.  How unfair is that?  If I am strong, I shouldn't be punished with pain and heartache.  I have felt intense anger and betrayal towards Him at times.  I often blamed Him for what has happened.  Why did He do this to me?  Why did He do this to my family?  What did I do to deserve it?  I have been participating in an inner battle to try to remain steadfast in my faith despite all the heartache I have been experiencing.

I was thinking today about my improvements and the aforementioned inner battle when it suddenly dawned on me.  The God I worship and believe in would not have hurt me like this.  He would not have sacrificed Himself for my sins and then turned around and subjected me to pain.  Instead He would listen, protect me, guide me, and offer me strength.

Who is to blame then?  The devil?  It is the only evil that I can imagine that would be strong enough to break my faith.  He does his best to test me, break me, and hurt me.  He is responsible, not God.

God is not to blame.  I am right to trust Him.  In my times of heartache He is there to comfort and lift me up.  He asks to take the load from me when it becomes to much to bear.  Sometimes I need to surrender it to him until I am ready to take it back.

So, I leave you with a verse that I read everyday.  It has given me so much strength the last five months and reminds me to remain faithful in Him.

Design courtesy of Emily Burger Designs

http://www.emilyburgerdesigns.com

Accepting Jamie 2.0

I have been in a state of contradiction ever since I found out about my cavernous malformation.  I can't help but think about whether I prefer to know that I have it or if I preferred to be completely oblivious about it.  On one hand, knowing I have this little sidekick has changed me for the better.  I try my best to live for the now and am really beginning to understand what is important in this crazy game of life and adjust my priorities accordingly.  I have developed a deeper appreciation and love for my family and friends.  Quite simply, my eyes have been opened to how beautiful this world and everything in it is if I am just willing to pay attention.  I am lucky that I know and understand that my days could be limited.  It forces me to enjoy every minute of the ones I have left.  I LOVE my CM for that.

On the other hand, I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is complete mental and physical assessments.  Do I feel dizzy?  Any pain, tingling, or stiffness in a new place or of stronger intensity?  Do I still have memory and mental functioning?  Can I swallow and breathe easily?  Has my vision changed at all?  Every single morning I hope that I have improved and pray that new symptoms haven't developed.  Once I finish, I have a moment where I still can't believe that this has happened to me.  I can't comprehend that it is my reality that I wake up every morning and complete this routine.  I think about life before October 25 and wish so fiercely for that to be my life again.  To wake up and be healthy, normal, and without fear or worry would be a dream.  A dream that I took for granted before October 25, 2013.

I am left to ponder the age old questions:

Would you want to know how and when your life was forever going to change?  Would you want to know when you were going to get sick or how you were going to die?

I do not know my answer to these questions.  I cherish what I have learned from my stroke.  But I was completely happy living in ignorance about my CM.  Even in the two months after my stroke before I was told I had it was blissful.  I was becoming a better person, but I didn't have the fear of what my CM could do to me hanging over my head, taunting me, every single day.

When I asked Patrick these questions he answered yes without a second of hesitation.  He would want to know so that he could live every day to the fullest.  I completely understand his reasoning.  But, until it is a reality for you, I don't think anyone really grasps how scary it is to have to live this way.  It is extremely difficult to try to live everyday without worry and fear when the odds are not in your favor.

I find inspiration and clarity in the strangest places these days.  A couple of weeks ago Patrick and I watched "After Earth."  There is a part of the movie where Will Smith's character is explaining how he overcame his fear to Jaden Smith's character.  I can't remember the exact quote, but to summarize he said that fear is a direct result of worrying about the future.  He overcame his fear because he realized that at that moment he wasn't scared of what was happening, but rather was fearful about what would happen after.  What would happen to his wife?  His kids?  He was scared for something that had not even happened yet.  This hit me hard because I could relate.  I feel strong and I am doing well.  There isn't a single thing happening in my life right now that I am scared of.  In fact, I feel enormously blessed because of all the love and support I have received from family and friends.  Everything I worry about is based on a "what if."  I can't control the "what if's?"  I need to let that fear go so that I can live in peace.

So, I am left battling between Jamie 1.0 and Jamie 2.0.  When I first had my stroke, Jamie 1.0 was stubborn.  She wasn't willing to accept the "new" Jamie 2.0.  She was going to fight and she was going to beat the stroke.  There wasn't room for Jamie 2.0 if that was going to happen.  Very quickly though, the tables turned.  Jamie 2.0 took over and Jamie 1.0 was left floating above watching helplessly.  Jamie 2.0 was the new physical replacement, but Jamie 1.0 still controlled the mental side of things.  Jamie 1.0 was often in denial and disbelief.  Slowly, Jamie 1.0 and 2.0 started to work together and coexist.  They began to understand that they needed each other.  That if the best parts of both of them were utilized, they would turn this shitty situation in to a ray of light.  A situation, rather, that would teach them valuable life lessons and help them become a better person.

I am happy to report that I am beginning to realize that Jamie 2.0 is a much better version than 1.0.  I am now at peace with God's decision to give me an upgrade without my permission.  Jamie 1.0 will always be a part of me, but she was just the foundation and starting point to something much better.  I only wish that I could have made it to this point without needing to be faced with a life-altering event.

I hope that my stroke helps others recognize the same things in their lives that I write about.  Don't wait for the moment when you are forced to make a change.  Make that change out of your own free will.  Upgrade yourself on your own terms.

Do Better.  Be Better.











 

 

 

My First Re-bleed Scare

At 2:30 a.m. on Tuesday, February 18, I woke myself up coughing, almost like I was choking.  It took me about 10 minutes to calm myself down and drink enough water to get rid of the feeling of having something stuck in my throat.  I managed to fall back to sleep until about 4 a.m.  I woke up to my tummy just churning and a little bit of heartburn.  I struggled to fall asleep and eventually went out to sleep in the recliner to see if a more upright position would help calm my heartburn.  By 4:45 a.m. my stomach pains and heartburn were so intense that I finally gave in and took some tums.  By 5:30 a.m.  I had to run to the bathroom.  I puked as forcefully as water coming out of a fire hose for probably 10 minutes.  I had sweat rolling down my face after I finished.

As you have read previous to this post, my neurologists have told me that nausea could mean a rebleed.  So, when I started vomiting I also instantly started to panic.  The entire time I threw up I was trying to put the least amount of pressure on my head and stress on my body as I could.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to try to teach yourself how to throw up calmly and nicely?  Seriously, it is impossible!

Once I calmed from the nausea, I began to shiver.  My body felt like I had just done an hour worth of kickboxing.  I was absolutely spent.  I got in the bath tub and relaxed for 45 minutes.  The entire time I repeated physical and mental assessments on myself.  Are my extremities or my face any more stiff or tingly?  Is my vision any different?  Do I feel dizzy?  Do I have a headache?  Do I still have memory?  Can I formulate words?  Over and over and over again.

Patrick woke up and found me in the bath tub.  I could instantly see the worry on his face so I explained how I had been feeling.  I didn't have to express my fears of a rebleed to him.  I could tell just by looking at him that he knew what I was thinking and he was thinking it too.  He ended up calling in to work to stay with me, got the girls ready for the day, and took them to daycare.

The entire time he was gone my stomach just churned and churned.  I couldn't even keep water in.  I would either be puking or pooping every 30 minutes.  Plus, I had heartburn.  I remember thinking that, at some point, there would have to be nothing left in my system to get out and this would stop.  Of course, every time I would feel the urge I would try my damnedest to hold it in. If I wasn't sick from a rebleed to start with, that didn't mean the the intensity from which I was puking couldn't have caused one.  It was useless though.  It felt like someone was stabbing me in the stomach and stirring the knife at the same time.  I continued to panic about new symptoms and I also started to panic about Pajamie.  How was she handling the way I was feeling?  I just sat on the bathroom floor for three hours until I finally felt a bit better at 11 a.m.  I had finally stopped throwing up but my diarrhea was still lingering around although it was not as frequent.  The only thing I ate all day was a chocolate malt. 

The remainder of day I spent panicking and stressing over any new symptoms I had.  I was constantly assessing myself.  The only thing that I could really feel a difference of was slightly more stiffness on my left side.  I was tired, but everything else seemed normal.  I frequently pushed on my belly to get Pajamie to move.  Every time she kicked, I about cried because so much relief would rush over me.

Patrick and I agonized over whether we should go to the ER.  My doctors had all told me that I would for sure know if I was experiencing a rebleed.  I tried desperately to remember how I felt in October compared to how I was feeling.  In October, my symptoms started after I felt a quick pop in my head followed by a near black out and feeling like I was going to faint.  From there, my symptoms got worse everyday.  I would start tingling in one place and it would eventually spread every day thereafter.  I also just felt off.  The best way I can describe it is being motion sick.  Like when you get off a ride and you just kind of feel like you are floating and spinning in your own body.  Your stomach doesn't hurt, but you just feel tipsy.  This time all I felt was stomach pain and heartburn.  I didn't feel any of the motion sickness type feeling.  My doctors said nausea could mean a rebleed but I was also still human, and pregnant, and susceptible to just plain getting the flu.  I just didn't know and because of that we decided to wait and see if any new symptoms formed.  We gave ourselves until Friday, which was my next OB visit at Covenant.

I was obsessed with reassessing myself over the next two days.  I still experienced nothing new except maybe a bit more stiffness on my left side.  I was completely mental though.  It was almost like I was creating that "extra stiffness" in my head because I was on such high alert.  I still had loose stools about once per day and crazy heartburn, but felt fine other than being a basket case mentally.  By this time, Jaelyn and Linden had also begun to vomit and have diarrhea.  This is terrible to say, but I was somewhat glad.  If they were sick too, than maybe this really was the flu.  Ever since I have had my stroke I experience a little more tingling and stiffness on my left side when I am fatigued.  I had not been sleeping because of the way I felt and from needing to take care of the girls through the night.  My body was just shot.  I was recovering from a stroke, I was 33 weeks pregnant, I hadn't slept in nearly three days, and I had a killer flu virus working through me (hopefully).  I was hoping my extra stiffness was just from my body being worn down.

I decided that if this was a rebleed, than I was going to start to get informed about what was next.  Brain stem surgery.  I had only researched two articles up to this point.  When I sat down at my computer this time I decided that I needed to find some positive research.  I needed to know if there were successful cases like mine.  I was freaking out enough.  I didn't need to add more on top of it. 

So, in the Google search box I typed in "Successful brain stem surgeries."  The results popped up and about three down was a blog named, Windless Dandelion Wishes.  The description said "recovering from an "inoperable" brain stem cavernous malformation surgery."  Bingo.  I began to read Lisanne's blog and it was like she was reading my mind, right down to her symptoms and how she felt emotionally.  She was positive and a fighter and that's what I wanted to read about.  Her situation was damn near the exact same as mine and she had surgery to remove it.  She was 11 months post-op and was doing wonderfully!  Yes, it was hard to read about her struggles and limitations pre- and post-surgery.  BUT, the important thing I took from it was that if I went in to surgery expecting these things, stayed positive, and worked hard, I would eventually be okay.  I just needed to be willing to do a little bit of time in Hell.  Better yet, she had other patients stories like ours on her blog that were also having the surgery successfully.  She had a Facebook page called, That Brain Fart, and was also the creator of a brain stem surgery survivor support group page on Facebook.  This was exactly what I was hoping to find when I started researching.  

I reached out to her and the others immediately.  I asked them if they had repeat bleeds, and if they did, how they knew.  The overwhelming response was that they for sure knew.  Symptoms became immediately much more intense and noticeable.  That eased my fears a bit but I was still on high alert.  I wasn't feeling myself quite yet so I continued to research.  Lisanne and many of the others had their surgery performed by Dr. Spetzler of the Barrow Institute in Phoenix.  My in-laws had found him already before our Mayo appointment.  At that time I was happy with what I heard and did not carry through with getting a third opinion from Dr. Spetzler.

But my scare changed my mind.  Patrick and I decided to send my records to him for another opinion.  Iowa City has been very slow with this so we are still working on it.  I will keep you posted on what he says about my condition.  I want to be clear and explain to you that my desire to get another opinion does not mean that I am going to pursue surgery at this time.  I am still holding out on the hope that I may never bleed again.  I am not going to have my brain cut in to just based off of the fear of the possibility that it could happen again.  Yes, it would be incredible to have my CM removed and know that I would never have to wake up and worry about it again.  There would be no more, "Is this the day?"  But, I am not ready to face all of the pain and limitations that I will experience from surgery unless I really need it.  There is just way to much unpredictability associated with surgery.

However, this scare made me realize that if it did happen again, I needed to be informed and prepared.  I want the best surgeon there is cutting in to me.  I want to have the best chances I can after surgery.  Even more so, I am not willing to experience bleed after bleed after bleed.  If I bleed again, I will have surgery.  I would rather get it over with and just know, "Okay, this is what I got for the rest of my life."  I do not want to keep getting more and more symptoms with each bleed and live in pain my whole life.  That does not sound like fun.

My research had helped me at least feel like I had more control over the situation.  I was still on high alert, but was feeling a bit better.  Then, I got sick again early Friday morning.   We went to my OB appointment and I discussed my symptoms with her.  She believed that I had the flu and that my heartburn was the major culprit for my sickness.  She put me on Zantac for my heartburn and gave me some nausea medication just in case.  She told me to call by Monday if I wasn't better or go to the ER over the weekend.  I never took the nausea medication but I did take the Zantac.  Oh my goodness!  It was a miracle worker.  All my stomach pain and everything disappeared.  I started to feel much better, although I was still convinced that I was experiencing a little more stiffness.

On Monday, February 24, we had a neuroopthamology check-up.  On the way down I finally told Patrick how scared I was.  I felt better, but I didn't feel as good as I had.  I explained to him that I didn't want to be stupid this time.  Meaning when I had my first bleed I tried to rationalize or justify all of my symptoms.  It got so bad that I ended up in ICU!  I didn't want to be that naive this time.  I knew better.  We discussed whether or not we should go to the ER or the neurologists while we were in Iowa City that day.  We never came to a conclusion.  I think we were both so scared that we didn't want to know the answer.  If we didn't know for sure, than it wasn't happening, right?

My eye appointment went well.  It took three hours and my eyes were exhausted when it was over though!  I did not move down a prism, but I was close so they let me take a 20 home since I wasn't scheduled to return until May 19.  I am currently on 25, and started with 30.  I am very blind and nearsighted naturally so that is what is preventing me from going down in prism strength quicker.  I simply need it since my eyesight is so poor.  But, my eyes are learning.  If I look at something long enough and really focus, I can usually see singular.  Often times these days, I wonder if I am still seeing double or just blurry.  Patrick constantly tells me that my eyes look better and are tracking more naturally.

We did talk about available options that I have if my double vision never went away.  I could opt to have eye muscle surgery once I hit a year after my stroke.  This would realign my eyes back to normal, stop my double vision, and allow me to wear contacts again.  It is an outpatient surgery and recovery is very quick and painless much like Lasik.  I could not have this done until my vision was stable for a period of time though.  It would also be permanent so if I bleed again it would have to be done again.  At this time, I do not think I will ever pursue this option.  My eyes look pretty close to normal and I just really do not want to put my body through an unnecessary surgery, even if it is low-risk.

My other option is to have my prism ground in to my glasses.  This is expensive and also permanent to my lens of my glasses.  It would be completely invisible to others and look like a normal lens.  With my stick on prism others can see it if they look hard enough at my glasses.  I can pursue this option as early as 6 months after my stroke.  I really like this option and I will choose this one if I need it.  However, I am going to wait until I hit a year after my stroke before I do anything permanent.  My eye has healed so well so far that I just want to wait it out and see how much better it will get first.

After my eye appointment, I was feeling the same if not a bit better.  My energy was starting to come back again and I still wasn't experiencing any new symptoms.  It had now been a week since I first got sick.  Patrick and I decided that I didn't need to go the ER.

Skipping to present day for a minute:  I definitely feel like I had the flu.  Once my flu symptoms stopped, the girls got better, and I started to get more sleep, all my "extra stiffness" disappeared, and I feel great again.  But, that an entire week was just as scary, if not more scary, than the week I had my stroke.  Because if I ever bleed again it won't just mean a hospital stay and therapy; it will mean brain surgery and life forever permanently altered.

   

Happy 2nd Birthday Linden Rose!

On February 16, 2014 we celebrated Linden's second birthday.  We spent the day making and eating cake and going to Chuck E. Cheese.  It was memory-filled day spent as just the five of us!

Facebook post from Patrick on February 16, 2014

Wishing this precious little daughter of mine the Happiest of Birthdays!! Two years old today!!!

Facebook post on February 16, 2014

Happy 2nd Birthday to our loving, joyful, and sassy Linden Rose!

And I Am Officially A Blogger!......I Guess :-)

February was flying by.  By this time I had run out of projects to do around home.  I had started to drive at the beginning of the month after I was cleared by therapy.  But I am not a shopper and even though I LOVE Target, I can only go there so many times before it is no longer fun.  I just couldn't take the risk of no longer loving my favorite place in the world! ;-)

Many of my relatives and friends had been telling me that I needed to write a book about my experience.  I would just laugh and say thanks.  It was a huge honor that they enjoyed what I wrote, but what the heck did I know about writing a book?!  Absolutely nothing!  My brother suggested writing a blog.  I laughed that idea off too but eventually came around to the idea.

It dawned on me that it would be beneficial to my healing process.  Writing helped me express my fears.  It was a great relief to be able to get those feelings out.  The blog would be something that I, my kids, and my family would cherish one day.  It would be a great reminder of where I had been and how far I had come.  Finally, I would be able to help others in my situation if they saw it.  I didn't want to have to keep posting on Facebook.  I didn't want people to become annoyed or view me as self-indulgent.  A blog was a great way to share my story, but share it with those who actually wanted to read about it.

Creating it was much easier than I thought.  I contacted my friend, Jess Hansen, who directed me to a site and gave me the basics on how to get started.  From there, it was just like creating a website.  Choosing the name of my blog was incredibly easy.  "Do Better.  Be Better."  My entire journey explained in two sentences.  Simple.  I made the background red to represent stroke awareness and the amazingly talented, Sara Fitzgerald, created my blog header.  All that was left to do from there was write.

This blog has been a miracle healer for me.  I have had the opportunity to reflect and reminisce on everything that has happened.  It is an avenue in which I can continue to express my thoughts and feelings.  My family members and friends not connected to Facebook are able to stay up to date too.  Most importantly, I have already had fellow CM patients contact me.  CM's in the brain stem are so rare that it is hard to find others out there.  I m so glad that it is reaching some of these people and helping them.

Facebook post from February 13, 2014

I have started a blog to chronicle my journey. I decided to do this for many reasons. 1) Writing/reflecting helps me heal 2) I want to have my experience saved so my girls know what I have been through and who I really am 3) Many of my family members and friends don't have Facebook but still want to read my updates 4) I am bored! 5) Many people have asked to share my posts with others who are struggling.

It is very hard for me to actually speak the words that describe what I have been through and am feeling. I get way to emotional and frazzled so I write so that I can get it all out. I have received many personal messages from strangers that have been shown my page expressing gratitude for how much my honesty and attitude has helped them in their time of need. So, I want to share my blog address with all of you. If you know someone that you think can benefit from it, please share it with them.

I just started it yesterday so it is in the beginning stages and I still have a lot to learn. It is my goal to post about twice a day so by this time next week I am to present day. The posts will include my Facebook posts, but also go a little bit more in depth.

http://www.dobetter-bebetter.blogspot.com/

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CFHS Hi-Line Article

And just more proof that my students at CFHS are AWESOME!  The school newspaper, The Tiger Hi-Line, published an article about my progress and my decision to take the remainder of the school year off.  Many students personal messaged me after this was published.  It never ceases to amaze me how wise and caring some of them are.
 
Facebook post from February 3, 2014

Thank you Ellen Wallingford. You did an amazing job on this article and I will forever cherish it!

PE Teacher Continues to Recover in Midst of her Pregnancy

Last Day of Therapy and My 3 month Progress!

I continued to improve daily.  On January 31, I was released from out patient therapy.  Quoting my therapists, "We are running out of things for you to do.  You are doing things that most healthy people can't."  I loved therapy and all of my therapists, but I was ready.  It was a huge stepping stone to be released and I needed it to help my confidence moving forward.  Getting released meant I was getting better.

Facebook post from Patrick on January 31, 2014

So very proud of my wife, Jamie Smith, as she finished her last day of physical and occupational therapy at Covenant Rehabilitation today. Thankful for the talented and skilled staff that cared for her over the past three months. She finished her testing today and in her words she "killed it". So much improvement, so much to look forward to. Blessed! GSD!

On February 3, we went to Iowa City for my neurology check-up.  My neurologists did not see concern other than my CM of course, and informed me that I would not need to see him again unless I started experiencing more symptoms.  I would not need to schedule visits or MRI's annually unless I felt there was a need.  Hallelujah!  Another major milestone passed.

After our neurology appointment we went to the neuro-opthamology tech.  This was an appointment that we scheduled on our own because I felt as though my eye had improved and I needed a prism that was less in strength.  I was beginning to see a lot of the lines from the prism in my entire field of vision and a lot of the light was looking like rainbows.  It was not like that when I got it on December 26.  I was right and went home with a prism one step down.  It was the best day of appointments that we had experienced since my stroke occurred October 25.

The next day I had realized that I had not ever written about my improvements over the last three months.  The last week had been cause for major celebration in this crazy journey and I wanted to share it.

Facebook post from February 4, 2014

I completed outpatient therapy on Friday and had a positive neurology checkup on Monday. Each week I journal all the improvements I have noticed. I realized that although I have posted about much of my journey, I have never specifically posted about where I started and where I am currently. So here it goes from head to toe!

My head in the beginning: I had tingling in my face from my nose down and my left ear had hearing loss. I could not chew food on the right side of my mouth because it was like my jaw didn't move right. I would look at items with my head shifted to the side thinking I was looking straight ahead. I had facial droop on the entire right side of my face that my doctors called "slight". I would have classified it as major.

My head now: All of these symptoms are gone except for I would now classify my facial droop as slight.

My eyes in the beginning: My right eye was affected by my stroke. When asked to "follow my pen", my right eye would not move past midpoint and would cicade or bounce. My vision was like looking through a kaleidoscope. I went a week and a half refusing to wear anything to correct my vision. I wanted to challenge my eyes so that they would get stronger faster. Eventually the nausea I experienced constantly became too much to handle and affected my therapy too much. I first got a solid eye patch and when one eye was covered, my vision would be clear and normal. I would switch it from eye to eye. About three weeks after my stroke, my right eye began to turn in completely towards my nose. Four weeks after my stroke, my patch was replaced with a film. This allowed for more light to reach my eye and did not impair my vision as much. Two months after my stroke, I received a prism for my lens. My prism is a sticker on the inside of my lens that refracts light to stop my double vision.

My eyes now: The bounce in my eye is gone and from what others tell me, my eyes track like normal. My right eye is still slightly turned in and I still see double. However, my double vision has gotten better. I was able to get a lesser strength prism on Monday.

My left arm and left leg in the beginning: My arm and leg were extremely stiff, heavy, and hypersensitive. I could best describe them as feeling like tree trunks laced with nails. Anything that touched me felt like ice and would send intense tingling down my body. Since I felt so heavy, I would tip to my left side and my balance was severely impaired. My sensory input was also impaired. If my left arm/leg was put in to a certain position while my eyes were closed I could not mimic it with my right side. I could not tell whether my extremities were bent, straight, resting on something, covered, etc. unless I was looking at them. If I was asked to close my eyes and hold my arms, palms up, straight out in front of me, I couldn't keep my left arm still like I was supposed to. The crazy thing was, I had no idea it was moving! I also could not touch my left pointer finger to my nose to someone else's finger. My hand/arm would waiver all over the place and I could not pinpoint my touch. Everything, even as light as a fork, felt like it weighed fifty pounds. I could not tell how much pressure I was putting on my arm or leg so I would fall if I was resting on my left hand or forearm. My hip would drop out or my ankle would roll out if my weight was on my left leg. I really had to learn how my muscles flexed and where my pressure points were so that I could mimic my right side and reteach my left side how to move.

My left arm and leg now: I am still stiff, but would classify it more like my limbs being made of rubber. They can move well, but the movement is still a bit restricted, rigid, and heavy. I am no longer hypersensitive, but do have slight tingling on my left side. I can now tell when my limbs are bent, etc. I only have slight clumsiness when I point from nose to finger and slight wavering when my arms are out in front of me. I still can't feel that though. I can now sense weight on my arm and leg. So I can rest on my palm without falling and balance on my left leg near perfectly. Things are still a bit more heavy, but not so bad. I can carry in four bags on groceries with my left arm so I think I am doing pretty well

My left hand and foot in the beginning: My hand was useless. My fingers felt like wooden spoons. I couldn't pick up anything. If I did pick something up, it would take SO much focus and I could maybe hold it for five seconds before I would drop it. My in-hand manipulation, the ability to rotate things in your hand, was non-existent. I would have to move my entire arm in crazy ways to try to place something how I needed to. I could not move my fingers separate from one another. They would always move as five. I had virtually no sensation. Unless I was looking at it, I couldn't tell its shape, texture, or size. For example, I couldn't tell if I was wearing my wedding ring or not. I couldn't tell if my fingers were bent or straight. My foot was much the same. I still had good mobility but I couldn't sense when I was hitting the floor with my heal, my toes, or the side of my foot. Unless I looked, I wouldn't have been able to tell you if I had socks or shoes on. I had to really focus on how my leg moved and pushing my big toe to the floor so my ankle was protected.

My left hand and foot now: I still struggle with some fine motor things, but eventually can complete it. I am beginning to gain my in hand manipulation back. I would classify my stiffness like rubber. My hand is beginning to move just as quickly and efficiently as my left and I can do it without even thinking about it. I can sense things with my hand and foot although it is still diluted a bit. I can sense my ring but not enough to trust myself to know if it fell off. I feel in my left hand and foot like all of you feel when you have on thin gloves or socks.

To give you an even clearer picture:
* Grip strength: 23 lbs. of pressure to 75 lbs. (my right squeezes 85 lbs.)
* 9 hole peg test (primarily tests in-hand manipulation and finger grip): Completed with modifications in 4 minutes 5 seconds. Finished with no modifications and using natural in-hand manipulation in 50 seconds ( right hand-14 seconds).
* Couldn't walk to balancing on foam rollers while catching a ball. I was told on Friday that I can do more than most "healthy" people especially considering my growing belly!
* Unable to open the dishwasher or fridge because I couldn't wrap my fingers around the handle and the door was too heavy. Now I can be holding something with my left thumb, pointer finger, and tall finger and still have enough strength my my ring finger and pinky to open those doors.
* Folding clothes, tying shoes, zipping coats, and using hair ties were impossible or very difficult. Now, I pound all of this out just as quickly as I used to.
* Typing was impossible. Today I can type at about 75% of what I used to. My ring finger and pinky finger still struggle so typing a and s is awful. Do you even realize how many words have the letter a or s in them?!
* I went from napping nearly every free minute I had to having pretty normal energy for a pregnant lady!
* I went from hardly pregnant to very pregnant

I have come a LONG way. Focusing on all theses improvements keeps me motivated and positive. If I had one complaint about my entire journey it would be the lack of celebration from my medical team. My therapists are all about celebration so it is easy to stay excited about recovery. My actual doctors are awful at it though. For example, Monday my prism went from 30 to 25. My eye technician treated it like a waste of her time. I am sure it was to her, but it wasn't to me. Improvement is improvement. Better is better.

So after this very long post I want to challenge you to celebrate all the improvements in your life, no matter how big or small. I am beginning to see that constant celebration of improvement motivates me to keep getting better. If I think, "This got better, but it still wasn't what I hoped for", I completely overlook my hard work and negate the importance of the improvement. Improvement is like the NLXF push-up pyramid--it is a marathon, not a sprint. The first time you do the pyramid, you may complete only half the reps and remain on your knees The next time you complete all the reps on your knees. The time after that you complete half of them on your knees and half on your toes. Eventually you are completing every rep on your toes. Until that last time, you are not where you wish you were, but do you ignore your effort and improvement each time? No! Because it was really freaking hard and you know it and you are proud of it. That is how I think of my stroke. I am not where I need to be but I am not going to diminish any improvement I experience because every step I take is getting me to my end result. Improvement is improvement. Better is better.

Do better. Be better. Every minute of every day.

Baby Girl #4!

January 23 brought our first OB appointment at Mayo.  It was a very busy day of appointments!  We started with a general screening by the nurse which was filled with a gazillion questions about my medical history.  After that we went to an appointment with the geneticists who did exactly the same thing.  At one point Patrick asked her if she wanted to know how his childhood pets died too. :-)  It was that intense.  But, she was doing her job and I am thankful for that.  It is best to be thorough in these situations.  It was concluded that she had no idea why I had a CM and didn't see any reason that it would affect Pajamie.  Basically, it was just my shitty luck!  

After that meeting, we had a level two ultrasound for 45 minutes.  Every single inch of Pajamie was reviewed and measured.  I had never had an ultrasound this far in to a pregnancy before.  It was absolutely unreal how clear everything was to see.  It was amazing.  The ultrasound tech told us everything was "beautifully perfect."  

Finally, we finished with a meeting with our maternal fetal medicine specialist where much of the day was just repeated to us.  We talked briefly about C-section versus vaginal delivery.  She was on board with having a vaginal delivery.  She didn't see any cause for worry to my health or safety.  She thought I would withstand it just fine.  She also mentioned getting my tubes tied.  What?  This was something that had never entered my world of thought.  Patrick and I were pretty set on this being our last child when we started to try to get pregnant and became even more sure of that especially after my stroke.  But to have someone suggest a definitive end to there ever being another chance was shocking to me.  Almost hurtful for some reason.  I am not sure why.

To jump ahead to the present for a minute:  Patrick and I have decided to deliver via C-section.  I feel strong and really want to deliver vaginally, but if anything were to happen during a vaginal birth I would always wonder if it would have if I had a C-section instead.  The environment is so easily controlled during a C-section and delivery is quick.  I cannot take the chance, no matter how small or unlikely it is, to put Pajamie or myself in harms way.

I have also decided to get my tubes tied.  It is not safe, with my condition, to put my body under the stress of another pregnancy.  Plus, four little blessings are more than enough to fill Patrick and I up with love.  It would be easy to have the procedure done while I am already having a C-section.  I do not want Patrick to go through a procedure when it is already so easy for me to do it.

Facebook post from January 23, 2014

We got some great 3D pictures of Pajamie at our Mayo consultation yesterday. We were super impressed with their staff and feel very blessed to be able to deliver her there in April.

The Three Month Plateau

My appointment at Mayo restored my faith in God and hope for the future.  I tucked away my fears and just decided that my CM and I were going to need to be best friends forever.  I stopped worrying as best as I could and got busy living and enjoying life.

After my Iowa City appointment, Patrick and I quickly decided that I was not going to return to work for the remainder of the school year.  I needed to focus on getting better and building up as much strength as I could before Pajamie's birth.  I couldn't chance having the stress or busyness of work run me down.  We decided to continue to keep the girls on their normal daycare and school routines also.    
As a result, I was at home ll day long by myself unless my Dad came to visit.  For those of you who really know me, you know that relaxation is not necessarily a word in my vocabulary.  I am on the go constantly, I am the farthest thing from a procrastinator there is, and I die of boredom when there is nothing to do.  So for me, sitting at home all day by myself was literally torture.  I could not drive so I was stuck at home all day long other than when my Dad took me to therapy (which by now was only twice a week).  What's a type A personality to do in that situation?  Organize.  Everything.  I cleaned every closet and cabinet we have in our house.  I came up with projects I never had time to do before.  I worked on the NLXF website and begged work to send me something to do.  I read 15 books over the course of a month.  I was dying of boredom.

I was trying my best to stay busy so I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about my condition.  My three month anniversary of my stroke was coming up quickly.  All of my doctors and therapists had told me that I would experience the majority of my improvement within the first three months.  Well, I was five days away from that three month mark and although I had improved greatly, I was not even close to where I wanted to be if this is where I was going to stop. 

Adding to the fear was a homily that we heard on January 19 at church.  It was the first time that I had gone to church (terrible, I know) since my stroke.  The first homily I hear was about accepting and loving special needs children.  I am a huge believer in signs and I just couldn't help but think that I was meant to hear it. 

Pajamie was looking extremely healthy.  We had talked to many maternal fetal medicine specialists and even geneticists that all greed she was healthy.  But, not everything can be predicted by ultrasounds and tests.  I will love Pajamie with my whole heart no matter if she is special needs or not.  She could be special needs regardless of if I was healthy or not because that is the path that God would have chose for her.  What will kill me and haunt me though is wondering if my stroke caused her to be special needs..  If I would have never had a stroke, would she have been special needs?  To think that my innocent baby would have her life so drastically altered because my body failed me, or that this was God's path for me, is too much to handle.  My faults should not ever affect her.  I just have to pray and rely on my faith.  It is all I can do.

Needless to say, my worries prompted me to write.

Facebook post from January 20, 2014

I am five days short of the three month anniversary of my stroke. My doctors have all told me that most of a persons stroke recovery occurs in the first three months. I make minor improvements everyday that equal major strides each week. Despite that I can't help but worry that I am going to plateau soon.

Many times my struggle to think positively stems from the unpredictability of my situation. Unfortunately I think my appointment in Iowa City will forever haunt me, but it goes a bit further than that. Every doctor I have seen have all said that they can't tell me how much of my impairments are temporary or permanent or how quickly I will heal. It is not known if or when my CM will bleed again. It is impossible to know how much damage I will experience if it does bleed or if I have surgery. It is uncertain to know whether that damage would be temporary or permanent or what that recovery process would entail.

So I am left feeling like I am walking on a tightrope. I walk steady and surely, but sometimes I fall. My fall is either cushioned by my fear or my faith. When my fear greets me I fight my many worries. Leading the pack are 1) What if I bleed again and am never the same? This one question leads to a billion others that I am sure you can guess. 2) What if my stroke has harmed Pajamie? I could have a million doctors tell me that it didn't but I would still worry about this. I am fine if my stroke hinders me, but I am not okay with it affecting those I love. When my fear catches me everything I think begins with, what if?

When my faith cushions my fall I find peace and strength. I allow myself to be proud of how far I have come in such a short time. I am overcome by the determination to prove all the doctors wrong. Most importantly, I enlist my stubbornness and tell my CM that I am much stronger than it is. When my faith catches me everything I think begins with, I will.

My fear brings out the realist in me while my faith brings out the optimist. The realist in me understands that I had trauma occur in my brain and realizes that even though I may come close, I will never be my prior 100%. The realist tells me to prepare myself for the chance that I could bleed again and life could change drastically. It tells me to plan for this so that my family is taken care of.

The optimist in me understands the realist but refuses to live in the world of "what if's". The optimist tells me to focus on my fast recovery and keep striving for more. The optimist tells me to dream of my future and believe in it. It tells me that Pajamie and I will be healthy and I will live a long, blessed life.

The longer I go without another bleed, the better my chances of it remaining stagnant. Chances of another bleed drop significantly after the first three months. I am on a tightrope now, but as time passes I will soon be on a 2x4, and eventually solid ground. I understand that the only way I will get to solid ground is by listening to the optimist and trusting in my faith. I am strong, stubborn, and determined. I will walk that tightrope as long as I need to prove that the optimist is right.

Date Night!

On January 11, Patrick and I finally got to go on a date night!  It was so long overdue and such a blessing after everything we had been through.  We also had a little bit of a photo shoot at home!   ;-)

Facebook post from January 11, 2014

The day after my stroke one of the first things I asked Patrick Smith was, "When I get out of here can we go to Ferrari's?" Well, two and a half months later and we are finally going. So excited for quality time with Patrick and great food!

Facebook post from January 11, 2014

Me and my four little ladies! ♥♥♥♥

The Impact Life-Altering Moments Can Have

By this point I was receiving many personal messages and cards with that were filled with comments and sentiments that literally floored me.  I was writing to help myself recover.  I had no idea the impact my story, and the honesty that I chose to write with, was having on others.  Every time I read one of these notes, I would be an awe of the kindness that came from them.  To even think that people appreciated what I wrote was mind boggling to begin with.  To hear that I was helping them be better was incredibly touching.  I would be so humbled and grateful to them when they would share their personal stories with me or how I had specifically inspired them.  It was like I was living a different life.  I couldn't believe that they were talking about me.  I was just a girl trying my best to get through this really shitty thing that had happened to me.

These messages were so meaningful to me that I began to keep a journal of all of them  After I had my Iowa City appointment, one of my friends told me to go back and read all my posts to remember my fight and my strength.  I took her advice but I found myself reading all of your messages rather than mine.  You have all helped me through my darkest times.  My positivity and my outlook is a direct result of your support and encouragement.

The message below is from my friend and NLXF trainer, Allison Mitchell.  She posted this on her wall the night we finally got to have a much overdue visit.  I was just telling her my story that day and catching her up.  I had no idea that this is what she took away from it.  These are the types of messages I am talking about.  The kind that melt your heart and leave you incredibly humbled.

Facebook post from Allison Mitchell on January 7, 2014

After looking back and reflecting on one of the greatest days I've had in a long time, I want to share a couple things I think everyone should understand about this crazy roller coaster called life. I spent the day with a woman that has not only encouraged me since the day we became friends, but someone who has truly shown me what it means to be genuinely happy. Beyond being a great friend, she is an amazing role model, an educator, a cheerleader, a leader, and a life giver. For the better part of 4 1/2 hours, we talked about the struggles, the battles, the gains and the strides forward that she has made in the past two months. After taking it all in, there were many life lessons I was taught today and all the credit goes to Jamie Smith. There were 3 things that really stuck out to me:

1: "If you don't dream big, you will never achieve big." Sounds pretty easy to understand, but if it's so easy, then why doesn't everyone dream big? I'll be the first to say that fear stands between a person's dreams and goals. I see this everyday and I'm also guilty of it. The way you have to view life is you may only get one shot at it, so dream big because the moment you achieve big, everything leading up to that point WILL be worth it. Don't live in fear, you'll miss some of the greatest opportunities life throws your way.

2: "If you can't beat something with your skills, you better make sure you beat it with your attitude." Self explanatory: Attitude is everything. The way you view something, positive or negative, has a direct relationship with the effort you put forth and the success you achieve. The more positive you can be, the happier you will be.

3: The most important one of all, "Live for the now." Notice I didn't say the past and I didn't say the future. Living in the now is something that everyone should do. Why? Because you can't get back yesterday and you don't know what tomorrow will bring. Tell the ones closest to you how you feel now. Don't wait until it's too late. Keep the ones closest to you in your heart and make it be known. Appreciate the people you're given and be sure to share your thankfulness. Life is a blessing we are given and many of us take the daily waking up everyday for granted.

Today was a blessing I will forever be thankful for. Not only did I learn so much, but I learned it from someone who has lived it. I can't describe how lucky I feel to be surrounded with amazing people day in and day out.

I realized after our visit that I had not yet shared the news of my second opinion appointment on Facebook.  I was just enjoying life and soaking it all up.  I decided to piggy back off of Allison's post the next day when I finally posted my update.  

Facebook post from January 8, 2014

It has been nearly two weeks since I had my Iowa City appointment revealing the CM in my brain stem. Much has happened in the last two weeks. Last night Jaelyn came in to sleep with us and I didn't sleep after that. Instead I cried, I am not even sure about what, I just did and it felt good.

The 15 minute appointment with my neurosurgeon was nothing short of a nightmare. The news was given to us in a less than ideal fashion and, as a result, we literally left thinking I could be taken at any minute. When the doctor told us the news Patrick stood up and the only thing I could do was say, "Holy shit." As he showed us my MRI scan I just kept willing for the name at the top to disappear and for him to say, "Oops, wrong person." I just couldn't register or believe that this was happening. Once I realized that it was I started to feel nauseous, but I couldn't let myself get sick because then the doctor would have really thought I was sick. Eventually, I just broke down as I really comprehended what the doctor was essentially telling me. "You have a very large CM in your brain stem. It could bleed at anytime. You will have to have surgery and you will not be the same after."

After that, I had to go to my neuroopthamology appointment. I sobbed the whole time. I have no idea how they even managed to see what they needed because I could barely see through my tears. I just couldn't stop. I would think about all the things I was going to miss, all the things I hadn't done, and felt so naive for thinking that I was getting better and doing so well when I so sick. I would think about these things and be just overcome with grief. Most of all, I was mad. It was one thing for God to do this to me, but it was a whole other thing for Him to do it to Patrick, my girls, my parents, and my family. It was the ultimate betrayal.

The next four days were excruciating. I continued to cry. If I would have saved my tears I could have made my own river. Every time I moved I was scared my CM was going to bleed. If it wouldn't have been for the distraction of my girls, I am not sure how I would have managed to make it through. I survived off of their strength and innocence. One of my friends told me to read back through all of my previous posts to remind myself of my strength, my progress, and the life that I envisioned for myself through all of this. So on Sunday morning I took her advice but instead of reading my posts, I read all of your comments and messages. Once again, you all helped more than you know. I came across one early comment that said, "Even though this is hard and it is easy to be filled with worry, don't be. Worry only takes from your strength." And it just clicked. If I was going to get through the upcoming months, I was going to need every ounce of strength I had.

That Monday we went to Mayo for a second opinion and received much better news with the utmost professionalism and care. Although my situation is severe, I no longer feel like I am day-to-day. We learned that is was not something I was born with and it is not genetic. The longer I go without a bleed the better the chance is that it will never bleed again. At this time we have chosen to forgo surgery and pray for my CM to remain stagnant. I will need to have surgery if it bleeds again but it will also be easier to remove at that time. Right now I am focused on getting as strong as I can for Pajamie's birth.

Looking back at those four days I can't help but think God was giving me signs. On Sunday afternoon I got out of the shower and noticed that I could see better. When I looked in the mirror my eyes looked normal. At the time I thought, "Great, now I am going crazy too." Then, we managed to get an appointment at Mayo a day after Patrick randomly called with no referral, with their top CM neurosurgeon, and on a non-clinic day. He met with us in between surgeries, in an outpatient exam room, in his scrubs, and gave us an hour of his time. I have to believe we were called there. It was like God was telling me, "Trust in Me. I got you. Just stay with Me."

So I did.

I have allowed myself to dream again. I still remember laying in my bed in Covenant and giving myself deadlines. By Patrick's work Christmas party on December 14, I am going to wear heels. By Christmas, my vision will be normal, etc. Those things didn't happen. But many other things did. After all, if I don't dream big, I won't achieve big. I have to keep dreaming. I have to keep dreaming big.

I continue to stay positive. When I was at Covenant there were many things I couldn't physically do. Many things I tried were prefaced with, "This will probably be difficult. We may need to modify it." That would just instantly motivate me to prove them wrong. More often than not, they were right. But if I couldn't impress them with my skills, I was going to be damn sure I impressed them with my attitude and perseverance. I have to keep that fighting spirit with me. I have to stay positive. I can't make room for anything else if I am going to get better.

I live for the now. There are many times when my fear still finds me. In that moment, I close my eyes, and just repeat in my head, "Live in the present." I can't change what happened, I have no control over what will happen, but it is still in my power to choose how I deal with all of it. I choose to feel the gentleness of Patrick's touch. I choose to enjoy the happiness that fills my heart as I watch every move of my girls. I choose to revel in the warmth of the I love you's that my family no longer forgets to say. I choose to accept the strength I receive when my friends hug me hello and goodbye.

I choose to live.

It is no secret that my stroke changed my life.  I am not even sure if I could adequately list the ways it has.  But you know I am going to try :-)

1. Life is fragile and precious.  The old cliches, "Your life could change any minute." or "Don't take life for granted." are so undeniably true.

2. I am truly blessed.  Not by a job (although I have a pretty awesome job in a pretty awesome district), or our house, or our cars, but by actual important things.  I have a loving husband, three beautiful healthy girls (soon to be four), a family and in-laws that are amazing, and friends that people would envy me for.  I can't buy any of these things.

3. Slow the heck down and live for the now!  I try to live each day without missing a beat.  Put down the phone (I haven't mastered this one yet), pay attention to the beauty around me, and find happiness in even the most awful of situations.  As the saying goes, don't sweat the small stuff.  After all, the small stuff is just that; small.  I can't change what happens and I can't predict what will happen.  There is no use in trying so I might as well just enjoy the present.

4. Value my body.  Eat well.  Exercise.  Listen to it when it is hurting and get help.  Do not be too busy or deny what I am feeling when I am sick.  I only get one body.  I need to treat it well so that when I need it, it holds strong for me.  (I am struggling on this one right now...I am enjoying the pregnancy train a bit too much!)

5. Make a choice to be happy everyday and stay positive.  This is really, really hard sometimes.  But it is so worth it if I do it.  If I can try to find the good in every situation, if I can make it a learning experience, than I will keep moving forward.  I won't be beat by my stroke.  If I can't impress people by what I can do physically, I am going to make damn sure that I impress them by how I handle it.

6. Keep dreaming BIG!  It is the only way I will achieve big.  I have to laugh at how unrealistic I was after my stroke.  I remember laying in bed thinking I would wear heals to Patrick's work Christmas party on December 14th.  By Christmas I would be near 100%; even my eyes.  By April when Pajamie was born I would function like I always had.  By June I would be back at NLXF just like I had planned when I found out we were expecting.  By October at my sister's wedding, this would all be in the distant past.  I was unwilling to let go of my plans; of the future I already envisioned.  Those dreams kept me going.  They forced me to push myself in therapy and stay positive.  Then I found out that I had this little stow away in my head and I became a bit more realistic.  BUT, I will never stop dreaming big.