12 MINUTES

The morning of December 26th started with a high risk OB appointment that went great.  Pajamie was still growing well and looking very strong.  I had to get my blood taken for my TSH levels and then we headed down to get another MRI.

The MRI only lasted 15 minutes.  It was much different than the first time I had one.  In October I laid in the machine completely drugged on nausea medication focused solely on not getting sick.  This time I felt great and my mind raced.  Well, I should say, it prayed.  I prayed over and over again that everything would come up clear and my scans would show healthy blood reabsorbment.  After my MRI, Patrick and I quickly inhaled lunch and headed to my neurosurgeon appointment.

We only sat in the lobby for a short time before we got called back.  I was anxious about the appointment but I honestly was expecting good news.  We had just gotten great news from the OB team, I felt great, and I was improving everyday.  I was sure that all these things meant good news.

My doctor entered the room shortly after we sat down.  I immediately sensed that he was feeling rushed.  He was young, mid- thirties, and very boisterous.  I noticed an air of arrogance from him.  He introduced himself, shook my hand, and took a seat between Patrick and I.

He opened the conversation by asking how I was feeling.  I began to tell him about all of my improvements.  He let me say about two sentences before he interrupted me.  Apparently, he didn't really care.  Here is what he said,

"Well, you are very lucky.  You are very lucky you are not dead.  You are very lucky that you do not have life sustaining tubes coming out of everywhere.  People with this large of a bleed in the brain stem do not typically turn out well.  I don't know why you were sparred.  I can only assume it was for your children.  You have a cavernoma malformation in your brain stem and you need to have surgery very soon to remove it.  I am thinking we will do it 3-6 months after your baby is born so that you can get to know her first."

My world stopped.  My hand covered my mouth and I said, "Holy shit."  That is all I could say.  That was all I could think.  Patrick stood up to gather himself and our doctor responded by saying, "Whoa bud, take a seat."  Bud?  Are you serious?  You just told us that I should be dead and need to have brain surgery and you are calling him bud?  What?  You have to be kidding me.

I honestly think that was all the doctor planned on saying to us.  I really think he was ready to get up and leave at that point.  Appointment over.

I sat there, shocked.  I just kept repeating what he had said over and over again in my head.  I was trying so, so hard to hold it together.  I did not want to cry in front of this asshole.  He did not deserve to see my heart after he had just thrown it on the floor and stomped all over it without a second of hesitation.

Thank God for Patrick who kept his head on straight and started asking questions.

Q: What is a cavernoma malformation? 

A CM is irregularly shaped blood vessels all gathered together in the brain.  They look like a grapes on a vine and are commonly referred to as popcorn lesions.

At this point, I am trying to listen very hard to the explanation of what my condition was.  I couldn't.  I was still stuck on, I should be dead. 

 Q. How long has she had this?  Can our kids have it?

She has had it since she was born and her form is not the familial kind.  This is the only one she has.  Your kids are fine. 

With this question, I started to come to a little bit.  Holy shit, my kids!  My kids could have this!   I could have given this to my kids!  I instantly hated myself and hated God.  It was one thing for me to have to deal with it, but my kids?  My innocent, beautiful babies.  No, that was beyond forgiveness.

 Q.  Why did it bleed now?

CM's can be in the brain forever and never bleed.  Many people have them and never know.  Many people have more than one in their brain.  Hers in in her brain stem which is a very dangerous area of the brain.  It could have bled for any reason at any time.  It was nothing she did that caused it to bleed.

 Q. Can we see her scans? (This is where it gets good again.)

(As he turns to the computer)  Your situation is, well, it's a cluster fuck.  The CM has begun to wrap around healthy tissue so it will be very difficult to remove.  You will have severe deficits after the surgery.  You will not be the same person. 

By this point I was struggling to hold it together.  I wanted him to leave.  I wanted to throw up.  I wanted it over.  I couldn't believe this was happening.  It had to be a dream.  I was going to wake up and it would have never happened.  I just kept looking at the scans of my head and willing for my name to change at the top.  Or for him to say, "Oops, wrong person."

I will never be the same after.  I will never see my kids play sports, drive, have their first boyfriends, go to prom, get married, have kids....I will either be dead at this point or a vegetable in the nursing home.  My kids are not going to have a mom.  Patrick is not going to have a wife.  I have 10 months left of life.  10 months.

Q. How would you do the surgery?  Have you done a lot of them?

(With demonstration)  I would slice you open here, open you up,  and go straight to it.  I have done many of these.  I am one of the only doctors in Iowa that performs this surgery.  I just completed one on a 22 year-old that got married three months after the surgery.

It was hard enough to hear how the surgery would be performed, but to see him bend over, pretend to slice down his neck, and then pry open his skin was just too much.  I was terrified.  It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and my body was just numb.  I really wanted to leave.  I really wanted it to be over. 

Q. What would be the hospital stay for something like this?

Recovering from the surgery would only be about 6 days tops in the hospital.  The surgery is not recovery intensive, the therapy is.

I was at least happy to hear that the surgery recovery would be a bit easier.  Although easy really means excruciatingly painful in the world of brain surgery.  But at least it would be short lived.

Q. What kind of deficits are we looking at?

It is hard to tell.  You could come out with more severe versions of the deficits you have now or you can come out a vegetable or anywhere in between there.  Your head is a cluster and I do not think you will be the same after.

Once again my mind just flipped through everything that I would miss or not be able to do anymore.  I would never be me physically again.  But I would also never be me mentally.  I was going to lose the ability to think, remember, possibly speak and even breathe.  I was literally just going to be a body that everyone was going to be burdened to take care of.  Why was this happening?  What did I do?  These thoughts just put me over the edge.  I began to cry. 

Q. Can we get a second opinion?

Well yeah bud, but your head (as he turns to me) is a ticking time bomb.   If you were older, I wold say lets monitor it. But you are young with kids.  We need to get it out as soon as possible.  I say lets wait until after you have the baby and give you some time.  I would like to go in 3-6 months after that.  If you were my sister I would be telling her to do the surgery and do it now.

After this we just sat in silence for what seemed like a year, but was actually only ten seconds before he stood up ready to excuse himself.  He told us to call back after the baby was born so we could discuss a surgery date.  By this time, I was crying.  As he left the room, he put his hand on my head, shook my hair like a dog, and said, "Hang in there bud."

If I wouldn't have been completely spinning at this point I would have roundhouse kicked him right in the face.  Hang in there bud?  Shaking my hair?  Was I two?  Honestly.

But instead he left and all the emotion that I had so desperately been trying to hold in exploded out of me.  I was sobbing uncontrollably and I couldn't catch my breath.  I had been so naive.  I was so convinced that this wasn't anything serious and this was just going to be something that had happened and I wouldn't have to worry about it again.  I was just going to keep getting better.  I was so naive.

Patrick just held me.  The nurse came in right after and tried consoling me.  She said sorry and that he was an amazing doctor and "If  I ever had any questions, call.  He would answer them in a heartbeat."  I looked up at her and said thanks, but I was really thinking, "Are we talking about the same person?"

12 minutes.

My appointment took 12 minutes.  12 minutes to hear I should be dead and I would either be dead or severely disabled in 10 months. 

12 minutes.

After my appointment we had to go directly to the nueroopthamologist.  I cried the entire time.  I replayed the appointment in my head.  I thought about my family.  I am sure you could imagine.  What would you think about if you had just heard you were going to die?  I have no idea how they even assessed my eyes.  I could barely see through my own tears.

My eye appointment was the last of the day and we headed home.  I laid my seat down in the car and tried to rest.  I was exhausted.  We had been gone for 10 hours and I had been put through the ringer.  I dreaded telling my family.  I just cried.  Patrick had been amazingly strong up to this point.  He spent his time comforting me.  But, I remember looking up at him when he was driving and watching him cry when he thought I couldn't see.

I just couldn't take it.  I wasn't strong enough for this.  I couldn't do this.  I had to do this.  I still had three girls at home and one on the way that deserved a mommy for the short amount of time they were going to have her.  I had to do this.

Patrick had called my brother and sister-in-law to meet us at the house.  They were to take care of the kids while we talked to my parents.  When we got home Patrick's brother and family were there dropping stuff off as they headed home from Christmas visits.  I don't even know if they knew what was going on.  I walked in the door and was greeted by my sister-in-law.  She gave me a hug and asked how it went.  I immediately started crying.  I sat down on the bench inside the door to take off my shoes and hid myself from my parents.  She kept rubbing my back, telling me not to cry.  I couldn't stop.  I had to get this over with.

So I got up and walked across the kitchen, hugged my mom, and we sobbed together.  My in-laws and Patrick cleared the room and took the kids downstairs.  My Dad came over and started rubbing my back and crying until I eventually gave him a hug.  I then sat down at the kitchen island and told my family.  I spared them the details and essentially just told them what I had and that I would need surgery.  My parents just sat at the table and cried in disbelief.  My dear brother was once again very strong and did an amazing job talking me through it and calming me down.

My parents were asking many of the same questions that we did.  They wanted to know if I now had to be bed ridden, if they were going to take the baby early, why they couldn't do surgery now, etc.  It finally got to the point where I just said, "I am still the same person I was 10 hours ago.  I am still getting better and I am still here.  I am still the same person,."

It was inconsiderate of me to dismiss their feelings like that especially since I had the entire afternoon to process it.  But I just couldn't do it anymore.  I didn't have any tears left.  I needed to try to move on and there was no way I was ever going to do that if my family wasn't right there with me.

I was still the same person.  It was time to move on.

Still Living In "The Land Of The Naive"

I was on cloud nine during Christmas season.  I felt great and was improving rapidly.  I had just amazing quality time with my entire family.  I was so blessed.  Patrick was my main reason for feeling this way.

Facebook post from December 24, 2013

One of my favorite photos from one of the most important days of my life. Counting my blessings this holiday season and this guy is at the top of the list.

On Christmas night we caught the "Someone You Should Know" segment on KWWL.  It was about a young man who had been paralyzed from the waist down from football.  The segment focused on his obstacles, successes, and warrior spirit.  It also highlighted his public speaking campaign and foundation.  When it was finished Patrick said, "Do you think we were meant to see that?"  It put in to perspective how lucky I was considering what had happened to me.  However for the first time since my stroke, I became anxious about my check-up appointments the next day.  I just felt off about them.


Facebook post from December 25, 2013

I have a very full day of very important appointments tomorrow in Iowa City. I am selfishly asking if you could send us a little extra love to help us stay brave and hopeful tomorrow. Whether you pray, wish on stars, etc..... I just need to know that I have a little something extra helping us through. Thanks again for all of your love and support.

Christmas Celebrations!

Christmas was already upon us.  It is my absolute favorite time of the year.  This Christmas was even more special because of what all of us had been through as families.  After we had finished our family celebrations I couldn't help but express what my husband and little ladies meant to me.

Facebook post from December 22, 2013

There have been many times in the last few days especially when Patrick has turned to me and said, "I am so glad you are here." To which I respond poorly with, "Me too." There are many reasons and people whom I am grateful for that make me so glad I am here, but I think my reasons can best be summed up as I have explained below.

1. There is nothing quite like watching Patrick sit with all three girls on his lap as they belt out the Strawberry Shortcake theme song. It is moments like these where I not only realize how much I love him, but also how much I absolutely adore him. Patrick constantly reminds me that loving another in this life is truly a sacred blessing.

2. Seeri randomly started a conversation with me the other day about blood vessels and their job in your body. After her explanation, she matter-of-factory stated, "and that is why I think you will be better by January Mom." The comment made me laugh and made my heart smile all at once. Seeri is always my biggest cheerleader. She reminds me to believe in myself, in others, and in my faith.

3, A couple of weeks ago I was getting Jaelyn ready for bed. I was looking in the mirror trying to focus so hard on straightening my eye as she went to the bathroom. When she finished she so proudly informed me that, "girls have giants and boys have peanuts!" I laughed so hard--it was the first time I had laughed that hard in a month. Jaelyn always makes me laugh. She reminds me to smile, laugh, be silly, and enjoy life.

4. I always greet Linden by saying "Hi baby!" with my arms outstretched ready for a hug. Recently, she has begun to say "Hi baby!" back to me in perfect impersonation of my voice. It is seriously the cutest thing. Linden is at the age where she will repeat everything you say and do. She reminds me that my girls are watching everything I do. If nothing else, I hope that they are proud of what I am showing them.

5. And then there is little Pajamie. I have been trying as of late to enjoy my pregnancy with her a bit more. As I mentioned in one if my earlier posts, my mind used to race during the quiet times. I now try to focus in on her a bit more instead. I love the times where I just settle in with my partner in crime and let her carry on with her own little kickboxing workout. I think Pajamie and I are working our way through our own little miracle together. She reminds me how fragile, precious, and beautiful life really is.

I am just a few days under the two month anniversary of my stroke. So much has happened during that time. I often feel like I am having an out of body experience. For example, when I watched the video from the Next Level potluck I thought, "that is such a sad story and I feel so bad for her husband and family." Then, I came to and realized that they were talking about me, my story, and that was my husband. I am that sad story. I feel this way when I talk about my experience, or show someone my physical restrictions, or my eye. I hear myself recount the story, I watch my hand fumble, and see my crooked eye, but it is like I am watching myself tell it....like there is two of me. The stroke Jamie and the regular Jamie. It is a weird thing when your mind is strong but your body doesn't want to keep up.

The fact is, I don't want to be a sad story. Yes, having a stroke sucked BAD. But, even though I naturally have some worry, I am really proud of what I have accomplished and feel optimistic about my future and Pajamie's future. I don't have room for pity, fear, worry, or the I'm sorries from others. I need strength, positivity, and encouragement. I want my story to be one of overcoming; overcoming with grace, strength, and positivity.

I wish you all a Christmas and New Year filled with happiness, love, and many blessings. Thank you for your continued support and encouragement as my family and I battle our way through this journey. We love you all and you will be in our prayers. 

Patrick and I had agreed not to give each other gifts for Christmas.  Or so I thought!  Of course, he surprised me with this amazing personalized book, with the help of the amazingly talented, Sara Fitzgerald.  The artwork on the front cover was created by her and she took creative control over the inside.  The inside of the book contains all of my posts and pictures from Facebook up to that point.  I lost it when I opened it.  I was just so floored that he had thought so much about this gift and that Sara had donated her time.  It means the world to me and I often cuddle up with it during the day when I need a pick-me-up. 


Facebook post from December 25, 2013

My AMAZING Christmas gift from my AMAZING husband. I will hold this book close to my heart forever.

For our family pictures this year we all dressed in our "Do Better.  Be Better." shirts.  My family wore the black ones that were sold by my school and NLXF.  Patrick's family wore red ones that were created by the amazingly talented, Heather Rausch only for our immediate families.  Patrick's family surprised me with these the morning of our Christmas celebration.  Once again, I cried.  

Garbes Family Pictures

Our Funny Face Picture!

Smith Family Pictures

Our Funny Face Picture!

NLXF Potluck

After the Christmas party Patrick took me home and headed directly to the NLXF potluck.  The potlucks are thrown in appreciation and celebration for completing the 10-week session.  They are so much fun!  I wanted so badly to go but it just wasn't safe for me in my condition.  My balance and vision still hindered my movement.  The potluck's are held at a local bar, they are always well attended, and there are free drinks!  So, as you can imagine, I would have been a little out of my current comfort zone!  I could barely walk in my dimly lit house by myself let alone a dark bar with tons of people!

While I was at Covenant the NLXF owner, Ryan Downs, contacted us and informed us that he would like to change the name of their Overall Transformation award to the "Do Better.  Be Better."  award.  The award is given to the person who has had the best physical transformation over 10-weeks.  It can be won by a newcomer or a returner.  It is based on weight loss, increases in muscle mass, nutritional improvement, and attitude and work ethic.  It is a coveted award in the program.   I read the message and, you guessed it, balled my eyes out!  Even Patrick cried.  I had so many people doing all these extravagant gestures for me and this just put me over the edge.  I LOVE this program and it was such a HUGE honor to have this award renamed to my personal motto.  I was literally speechless. 

On top of it all, many of the people caring for our kids, bringing us food, and sending me encouraging messages, were a part of our NLXF family.  Some of them we had never even met.  I am just at a loss for words to even begin to explain how grateful we were. 

Patrick and I decided that he would speak at the potluck on our behalf.  I would have loved to have been there with him to support him, but also to extend my own appreciation to everyone there.  My friend videoed the entire speech for me.  My phone started blowing up with messages from people who were there telling me how great he had done.  Shortly after my friend tagged me in the video and I was able to see for myself.

Facebook post from Dani Olson on December 14, 2013

SO proud of my friend Jamie Smith for inspiring so many people to DO BETTER & BE BETTER #GSD #dobetterbebetter #nlxf #family

I watched this entire video in awe.  It had been a very difficult and challenging month and a half.  I had a stroke and was battling back through rehab.  Linden had gotten a massive cold and then burned her hands pretty severely on our fireplace the week before this resulting in an overnight stay and numerous checkups in the U of I burn unit.  This tribute (not to sound conceited) was needed.  Of course I cried.  I cried tears of relief.  Tears of triumph.  Tears of gratitude.  Tears of hapiness and hope.

I felt like I was watching this video about someone else.  I often feel like there are two of me.  Jamie 1.0 is the old Jamie that is still on the inside.  Jamie 2.0 is the new Jamie that is on the outside.  Often times, Jamie 1.0 floats above in disbelief that she actually lives in Jamie 2.0.  She knows it is her but she just can't believe it.  My mind is the same but my body is so different.  It doesn't seem real that all of this has happened.  It is like an out of body experience. 

Facebook post to the Next Level Extreme Fitness Facebook page on December 16, 2013

I have been trying to figure out for two days how I could even begin to say thank you enough and have you all comprehend how much I actually mean it. The support that my family and I have received the past seven weeks has been nothing short of amazing, but Saturday night at the potluck was just overwhelming. My husband, Patrick did a fantastic job relaying my thoughts and how much we appreciate all of you and Next Level Extreme Fitness. Thank you for supporting him as he spoke; as you can imagine, it was the farthest thing from easy to do. Mr. Downs, thank you for all your kind words. It never fails...you could recite the phone book and I would find it inspirational! . I got done watching the video and I just thought, "I got this. Let's go kill this stroke recovery."

As Patrick mentioned, my health saved me. I made a choice this last year to just be healthier. I did not have a lot of weight to lose, but that didn't mean that I was healthy. I changed my diet, became more disciplined, and just decided to be as active as I could. I never had people actually say anything to me, but you could tell when I turned down a beer, or didn't get cheese or sauce on anything I ate, or could barely move nearly every Wednesday that they thought I was losing it. But I didn't care. I had goals and I wanted to reach them. At 32 and three kids later, I looked and felt better than I had in my whole life. I was damn proud of myself.

And then I had a stroke and life was turned completely upside down. Now I am not only proud of what I accomplished the last year, but I am grateful for it. I guess what I am trying to say is this:

If you are already in this program, congratulations. You have decided to give yourself the chance to really live and enjoy life. Commit fully, discipline yourself, ignore the excuses you may make, and and give it 100%. If you are thinking about joining this program, stop thinking and just do it. You will see amazing results and change yourself for the better in more ways than one. This program is an investment both in time and money. But shouldn't your health and quality of life be something that you don't hesitate to invest in?

Do Better. Be Better.

My First Belly Shot....Finally

December 14 was a busy night.  Patrick and I went to his work Christmas party.  As with everything I was nervous to go.  He had just started his job in July so I had not met everyone that he worked with.  Nothing like meeting them for the first time after having a stroke!  My sister-in-law straightened my hair for me that night.  While she was helping Seeri came in and told me that my eye was looking better.  I instantly asked if her Daddy had told her to say that! ;-)  She said, "No Mom.  It really looks better."  Leave it to one of my lovely little ladies to give me a confidence boost when I needed it most.


Before I go any further I have to express my absolute love and appreciation for First National Bank and all of its employees.  My condition required Patrick to be by my side and miss a lot of work.  He was with me everyday the first two weeks and then eventually worked half days for a week before going back full-time.  Once he did go back he had to take more days off to shuttle me and the girls to doctor appointments.  He is still needing to do that.  It wasn't easy on him and I am sure it wasn't easy on the bank.

Since he had just started the position he did not have a lot of vacation days built up.  His co-workers donated days to him to help cover his absences.  They all picked up the slack and rallied.  They supported him and us when we needed it most.  The entire situation could have been even more stressful if our places of employment wouldn't have been so incredibly understanding and supportive.  I owe each of them so much and will never forget their kindness.

The Christmas party was so enjoyable.  I met amazing people.  It was very clear to me why Patrick loves working there.  It felt like a family.  The food was great, the entertainment was awesome, and his boss said some very nice things about our family and my condition in his opening remarks.  It was just a very enjoyable night.

Before we left I finally got Pajamie's first belly shot!   


Facebook post from December 14, 2013

It only took 51/2 months but I finally got a belly shot!

CFHS Basketball Fundraiser

On December 10, 2013 CFHS was sponsoring a "Red Out" game versus another local high school in support of stroke awareness.  My students were sponsoring this event in support of me.  Below is the promotion video they made and the article that was in the local newspaper.

Facebook post from December 2, 2013

My students at CFHS made this promo for stroke and heart health awareness. I am extremely honored that they are doing this to support my journey. I am so proud of my students for showing everyone that you can do better and be better no matter how old you are.

Facebook post from Erin Gardner on December 6, 2013 

Show your support... join us Tuesday for CFHS RED OUT in honor of Mrs. Jamie Smith

Red Out Basketball Fundraiser

I had received the staff red out picture earlier in the day stating that their were so many people that wore red but couldn't make the time they set for the picture.  The staff had chosen that day to pay $5 to wear jeans, with the proceeds going to our family.  Once again, I was overwhelmed.  I just honestly always felt so undeserving whenever someone did something like this for us  Like always, I cried when I saw it.

   

I was terribly anxious to attend the basketball game for many reasons.  I was embarrassed of the way I looked.  Surprise, surprise.  I was scared it was going to be too much stimulation for me and was scared that it would set me back recovery wise if I pushed myself too hard.  After all it was a basketball game versus a local rival.  It was going to be loud.  Plus, I knew I would have a lot of people coming up to say hi.  I was nervous about what they would think, if I would make them uncomfortable, and figuring out what to say to all of them when I had completely changed as a person.  I didn't want to be recognized on a large scale in any way.  I hate being the center of attention.  Most of all though, I was going to be in the exact place where I finally realized that my symptoms were serious.  I was running out of reasons to justify why they were happening by that point.  I realized I was very sick in that exact gym.

My friend sat by me the entire time.  We joked that she was my bodyguard.  She helped me navigate the bleachers and the turns and helped mediate my conversations.  She was a Godsend.  The night was made so much easier because of her and I will never be able to repay her for it.

As you will gather from my post below, the night ended up being a huge success.  I am so happy that I gathered up enough courage at the last second to go.    

Facebook post from December 11, 2013

Last night was the basketball game in which CFHS raised money for the American Heart Association in my name. I was nervous to go to the point of becoming physically sick. My co-worker had sent me a picture of the CFHS staff in red shirts that day at school as a token of support for me. I just sobbed when I saw it because I was so overwhelmed with gratitude. At that point I thought, "How am I going to see everyone when I can't even look at a picture without ugly crying?" Yes, I was nervous about the crowd, the noise, how I looked, etc. But what I was most scared of was sitting 10 ft. away from the equipment closet where I broke down because I finally realized that there was something seriously wrong. I did not know how I would react walking in to the building with the memory of October 25 still so vivid in my mind.

But, I walked in to the gym and instantly felt happiness and normalcy. It was nice to be out and about doing things I always have, talking with my family, co-workers and students, and seeing everyone in red shirts. It was incredible to see so many people committed and willing to Do Better. Be Better. Needless to say, I will think of Dec. 10 instead of Oct. 25 when I walk in to the gym now. I cannot even express in words how grateful I am for that.

Later that night Linden was struggling to sleep so I sat in the nursery with her for awhile. My mind usually races during the quiet times. Last night was different though.

I found myself thinking about a woman that I met at our last OB appointment. She shared the story of her husband's passing the month prior. Her husband got sick out of the blue, went to the hospital that morning, and by that night God had chosen to take him as one of his angels. I was so preoccupied with praying that Pajamie (my sis-in-laws nickname for baby #4) was still looking healthy that I heard her, but didn't really hear her. As I thought about her and her family last night I realized that could have very easily been Patrick Smith telling virtually that same story to a complete stranger about me. Things were instantly put in to perspective.

So, I had a come to Jesus meeting with my fears. We decided that I am allowed my moments of weakness, but I cannot let my fears completely dominate me any longer. There is a difference between letting it out and dwelling on it. Letting it out is healthy and dwelling on it is unproductive. I have a lot to get better for, I have much left to do in my life, and I will be dammed if I am going to let a little brain bleed stop me from living the life that I see for myself when I close my eyes and dream. I have so much more strength in me. I haven't even begun to start showing it yet.

Who Said It Was Going To Be Easy?

Linden became very sick a couple days after I returned home.  She was coughing constantly and wheezing when she breathed.  She literally sounded like the little kid on the whooping cough commercials.  Patrick took her to the doctor and they diagnosed it as viral.  Hearing "viral" is the worst thing parents want to hear when their child is sick with a severe cold.  So, we waited it out when they assured us it would get better.  It didn't.  It got much worse.  We almost took her to the emergency room.  She couldn't sleep or stop coughing.  Her breathing was labored and I was getting scared.  We took her back to the doctor two days later and Patrick demanded medication.  Once she got it, she improved very quickly.

Those couple of days were excruciating for me.  She was so sick and she would hold out her arms for me to pick her up, but I couldn't.  My heart literally broke.  I tear up now just writing it because I can still feel how I felt during those moments even now.  Patrick had to help her during the night because my left hand was still pretty useless and he was getting no sleep.  Of course, he still needed to go to work the next day.  I couldn't drive so I couldn't take her to the doctor.  He had to miss more work for that. I was home and I was useless.  I couldn't do anything to help my own daughter.  I was useless.  Wow, was that a hard pill to swallow!  Welcome to the second time I hated my stroke.  I would lay in bed and listen to her struggle and Patrick try to soothe her and just curse God.  I was so mad at Him.  Why was He doing this to me?  To Patrick?  To our girls?  Why?  What did I do to deserve it?   

Facebook post from December 1, 2013

Many people have told me that God only gives us as much as we can handle. I am not sure if I believe that. But, if it is true than I want God to know that I am pretty close to my limit. I kindly ask Him to give me Sunday off. I just need a day to get my feet back underneath me and make this a fair fight again.

I started out patient therapy shortly after she got better.  I went for 30 minutes of PT and 30 minutes of OT three times a week.  PT went very well that morning but OT was the normal thorn in my side.  We started the session by assessing my eye movement by tracking a pen  My in-patient OT had told me that the out-patient OT was the eye specialist.  When we finished I asked her if she thought my eye would ever return to normal.  As with any brain trauma, it is impossible to know what is permanent or temporary.  She expressed that same sentiment.  But she also added that my deficit was significant.  She said it nicely and professionally but I have learned to read between the lines and read body language through all my doctors visits.  I heard and saw, "No.  It probably will never be normal." She was a "specialist" of sorts and she didn't think it would get better.  I was instantly domed.  I was done.  I turned off completely.

But, we were only 10 minutes in to the session.  I still had to retest all of my strength and movement exercises.  All of my grip strength scores had barely improved in two weeks so the results just added to my pity party.  And the 9-hole peg test, forget it.  She let me try for two minutes before she saw that I was immensely frustrated and told me to quit.  I just wanted to go home and sulk.  I am sure I gave her a terrible first impression. 

After my session I called Patrick and gave him my therapy report.  I didn't give him the whole story but told him that "she didn't know" about my eyes.  I tried not to reveal how upset I was in my voice, but I know he knew.

I went home and wrote as I always do when I am overwhelmed.

Facebook post from December 4. 2013

I firmly believe that you choose to be positive and choose how you react to every situation. I also think that being strong or weak or choosing to keep going or give up is a mental decision, not a physical one.

On my strong days I am positive, motivated, patient, and optimistic. On these days I am persistent with using my left hand for tasks, believe fully that everything I am struggling with will improve completely, focus on my improvements only, and have faith that God will take care of me.

On my weak days I am scared, frustrated, impatient, and emotional. I give up on my left hand, focus on everything that is still broke, and consume myself with the what it's.

99% of my days I am really strong. But that 1% when I am weak completely dominates me. Then, of course I get mad at myself for not being able to mentally "turn it off".

Expressing my thoughts on Facebook has been very helpful. However, you all now know pretty much everything I think and feel. So, I can't just flash a big smile and hide behind it. The truth is that I am embarrassed of my crazy eyes, my robot hand, and my bozo walk. I envy all of you for being able to do the simplest tasks without a second thought and dream about being able to do the same again. It also destroys me to know that I am causing others pain and anguish--to have a front row seat to watch people close to you struggle is unbearable. And to be honest, I am a bit angry at God.

If you haven't already realized this, I am in a weak moment. I was extremely disappointed with my performance in therapy this morning and that has allowed my fears to creep on in. I contemplated whether to post this or not, but ultimately decided to pull the "I had a brain bleed" card and decided I just didn't care whether it was appropriate or too personal. I am hoping that writing will help.

In an hour I will get out my OT and PT practice and redeem myself from this morning and this moment will just be another bump in the road. I will realize that I am okay and everything is going to be okay. But, in the moment when you are driving over that bump it sure does feel like your wheels are falling off.

Have I Mentioned How Amazing People Are?

The first week being home I finally got my haircut!  I thought I was going to a friends house for supper, but instead Patrick dropped me off at the salon  Of course, he was always thinking of me.  I spent two hours being pampered.  The Friday I had my stroke was the day I was originally going to get my hair done.  It was long overdue at that point so it was really overdue by November 27.  I did not post the picture of Sarah and I that night.  I was too embarrassed of my eye and my facial droop.  I should have been proud of it.  Live and learn I guess.


Facebook post from November 27, 2013

Huge shout out to Sarah Lamos for making me feel pretty again! It is amazing what an awesome cut, color, and pampering can do for a person's spirit! Thank you!

That weekend was also the annual Bear's trip that Patrick and I go one.  Every year we take a shuttle bus with many of our friends and go to the Bear's/Viking's game in Minnesota.  We were unable to go this year, but our good friend had purchased my support bracelets for everyone on the bus.  Seriously, how amazing are people?! 

Facebook post from the Bears bus on November 30, 2013

All of us on the Bears/Vikings trip are supporting you this weekend! We all got on the bracelet! — at 6th Annual Bears Trip.

Facebook post on November 30, 2013

I want to send a shout it to the TV crew on a bus to MN today for the annual Bears/Vikes trip. I hope you have an amazing time and really appreciate your support. Patrick Smith and I will be there with you next year.... that's a promise!! —

Support T-shirts

During my time at skilled nursing I was sent an email stating that I was being surprised once again.  My school had organized a t-shirt fundraiser to raise money for us.  Like my bracelets, they had my "Do Better.  Be Better."  motto on them and my J.Smith nickname in a stroke awareness ribbon.

I opened the email and cried my eyes out.  Yes, as you are beginning to understand, I cry a lot.  Seriously, I cried at the end of Toy Story 3. I am a crier.

I was just speechless.  First the bracelets, then the basketball game, and now t-shirts!  I felt so undeserving.  Guilty almost.  All these people were going out of their way to help our family and I just couldn't wrap my head around it.  Are you beginning to understand how these people inspired my "Do Better.  Be Better." motto?  We were truly blessed to know these people.  My family was surrounded by God's angels on Earth.

Facebook post from Amanda Riggins on November 27, 2013

Support Jamie Smith in style!
Check out the details!
Please share on your page to get the word out!

HOME SWEET HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 26, 2013 started with checking out of skilled nursing.  After that, we went to our high risk OB appointment.  As with every appointment now, the majority of the time is spent retelling my story and answering a million questions about my medical history and the medical history of everyone I have ever met.  Well, not really, but it sure does feel like it!

Naturally we were nervous for the Level 2 ultrasound we were going to have.  A Level 2 ultrasound is very intensive.  It takes about 45 minutes because they literraly look, measure, and take pictures of every bone and structure.  Our ultrasound technician had been on the job for 20 years so we were confident that she knew what she was doing.  She, although she technically wan't suppossed to, told us during the reading that everything looked perfect.  After the ultrasound was done, the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialists team came in to speak with us.  They informed us that they did not see anything that would give them suspicion that Pajamie was not growing perfectly.  Nothing in her measurements showed genetic defect or illness.  Needless to say, they left the room and Patrick and I both started breathing again.  We hugged and cried.  Good news was always welcomed and a huge morale booster.

We headed home after the appointment.  When we got home I stayed at the front door while Patrick prepped the video camera.  I rang the door bell and the big girls came running.  I could hear them screaming, "It's Mommy!  Mommy's home!"  I was greeted by quick hugs and lots of noise!  They instantly had to fill me in on everything.  My brother, sister-in-law, and Mom were there taking care of them.  Linden was in her high chair eating supper and she just waved and blew kisses to me.  It was a memory that I will never forget.  I was so happy to see them.  I was instantly calmed by being in our home.  I was just at peace and my heart was filled with hope.

The rest of the night we spent cuddling, watching movies, and having popcorn.  It was simple.  It was perfect.

Facebook post from Patrick on November 26, 2013

Home for the Holidays!! So very Blessed and Thankful. To all the doctors, nurses, therapists, family, and friends that helped make this picture possible tonight....Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Realizing I Was Ready To Return Home

Like I mentioned, skilled nursing was incredibly boring.  Therapy wasn't intense anymore and everyone had gone back to their normal schedules.  I didn't feel like I was getting better, but worse instead.  Not only was I not getting all of the therapy, but my mind was not as positive as it was before.  I was almost to the point of depressed.  I now understand why older people dread being put in a nursing home.  Life literally stops.


I went to skilled nursing thinking I needed more time.  Instead, skilled nursing showed me that I was ready to go home.  I was ready physically, mentally, and emotionally.  It was time.  I especially realized it when Patrick brought Jaelyn for "date night."  I could keep up with her just fine.  More than that, she wanted to be my helper.  She wanted me home and she instinctively knew that I needed her.

Facebook post from Patrick on November 23. 2013

Quality date night with Mommy and her mini me!!

While I was in skilled nursing I hit the one month anniversary of my stroke.  I still had a lot of people shocked that this had happened to me.  I had many people asking me about my symptoms so I eventually decided it would be beneficial to many if I shared my story.  It is included in my blog post titled, The Week My Life Forever Changed. 

 I also had many media outlets contacting me for interviews.  KWWL contacted me about two weeks after I had my stroke asking to do a "Someone You Should Know" segment because they had heard about my Facebook posts.  I turned them down.  Everything was still so raw and I wasn't ready to verbalize everything.  I wasn't comfortable in the way I looked and I still was so tired from even the slightest bit of exertion.  Plus, I hate being on camera and in the spotlight.  I felt so cowardly and selfish but there is just something about having to come up with answers on the spot and all the cameras that just terrified me. Finally, I just didn't feel deserving.  Like I have said before, I was just doing the best I could.

A reporter from New Hampton, near Patrick's hometown, contacted me to do a Thanksgiving special in their local paper.  Behind the scenes is much more my speed so I agreed.

 Facebook post from November 25, 2013 

We were scheduled to have our first high risk OB appointment in Iowa City on November 26, 2013.  Patrick worked really hard with insurance and New Aldaya to get me released before that so that I could just go home after we went to our appointment.  Of course, being the Superman that he is, he got me checked out of there!  I spent five days in skilled nursing.  It was the longest five days of my entire life!

I Am A Try Hard

Skilled nursing was incredibly boring.  I only had therapy for an hour a day.  The nurses barely came in unless it was to deliver food or do their daily vitals checks.  Patrick had gone back to work full-time. I was alone.  I was bored.  I was tired of TV.

I read my cards, played a zillion games of Candy Crush, fiddled around on social media, and thought.  A LOT.  I had been contacted by our school counselor asking if it would be okay if the school held a fund raiser for the American Heart Association in my name.  Once again, I was completely humbled.  People are just simply amazing.  The fact that my students were taking the initiative to help others was just fantastic.  The counselors had also organized a card drive for me.  I probably got close to 500 cards from my students.  Some of their sentiments were so sweet and wise.  Others were full of stories or inside jokes that made me laugh.  Ugh, I cherished them so much.

I didn't know at the time if I would be able to attend the game due to my current state, but I felt the need to get a message to all of them.  I wanted my message to be relevant and thought-provoking.  The post below is the finished product.  Other than a few upcoming posts that you will read, it was my most shared post.  It was shared 20 times just within my friend's list.              

Facebook post from November 22, 2013

Last night Patrick Smith read me the remainder of the cards that my students had written for me. So, I fell asleep with my students on my mind. There's a few things that I would like to say to them but can't because I'm not at school. So I figured I would write them so I could get it out of my head and be able to sleep! I thought maybe the rest of you would enjoy reading it and that maybe you would like to share it with your older children if you have them.

Before I left the new thing for kids to say to one another was, "Stop being a try hard." I realize it is not "cool" to try in PE class. That is a whole other subject for a different day. When I would hear this statement I would never know how to respond in a way that would click with students. I think I know how to respond now.

Because I am a try hard, I survived a stroke. Because I am a try hard, my four daughters will grow up with their mommy. Because I am a try hard, my rehabilitation process is going well and my doctors are giving me a strong prognosis. Being a try hard should be something that is valued, respected, and desired. It is not something that should be ridiculed or made to make others feel ashamed of. Life throws a lot curve balls. If you are a try hard you are more likely to hit 99% of the curve balls that are thrown at you.

Diseases do not discriminate. Heart attack, strokes, multiple sclerosis, cancer, you name it. Diseases do not discriminate. I am 32 years old, exercise regularly, eat very well, have low blood pressure and a low resting heart rate, and I have low cholesterol. Yet I still had a stroke. A lot of you will hear that and it won't affect anything you do in your life at all. That is your choice. Others of you will hear this and will take it to heart and you'll start to change little things in your lifestyle. Either way, I just want you all to realize that the choices you are making today will directly affect your tomorrows. What kind of tomorrow do you want to have?

Transfer Day!

On November 21 I was transferred from Covenant to skilled nursing.  I was happy to be going home but also terrified.  We took the picture you see below, said our good-byes, and got everything ready to go.  

Facebook post from Patrick on November 21, 2013

TRANSFERRED!!!!! Today is a bittersweet day to say the least. Bitter as we say goodbye to our resting spot for the past three weeks and the INCREDIBLE staff of Covenant Rehabilitation. Yet sweet as Jamie Smith is one step closer to being home. Jamie was transferred to New Aldaya here in Cedar Falls and will continue her therapies a lit bit closer to home!! We both want to recognize these three incredible therapists for their assistance, guidance, and encouragement while at Covenant!! Thank you Katie, Chrissy, and Brook!! On to our new temporary home....

                                      

Right before we left an older gentleman that Patrick had met at the Chapel came to visit me.  He shared his story of recovery from the two strokes he had suffered and wanted to show and assure me that their was life after a stroke.  There was also another former patient that I had met who I connected with.  She was 32 with four kids under the age of 7.  She had suffered a stroke on Father's Day and five months later looked completely normal.  These types of people served as inspiration to me.

But for some reason after the room was cleared and it was just Patrick and I, a wave of panic overcame me.  By this time the fact that I had a stroke had finally hit me.  What had recently started to hit me was the severity of it.  I could have died.  Do you have any idea how hard that is to think or say that?  I could have died.  I had a bleed in my brain stem.  The area of the brain that controls all necessary bodily functions.  I could have died.  

Yet, I was happy, positive, determined, and taking it all in stride.  I honestly just thought of it as, "this happened, now let's get better." Why was I so naive?  Was I grieving the right way?  If I wasn't grieving the right way was I heading for a lifetime of anxiety and depression?  Was there something wrong with me?  Why wasn't I a wreck?  Why wasn't I scared or discouraged? 

As with all my bad moments, it didn't take me long to shake myself out of it.  I realized that I was doing great.  I was choosing to smell the roses rather than walk right past them.  I was choosing to beat my stroke rather than let it beat me.

After we left Covenant Patrick and I went to Target quick.  Patrick ran in to our friend and explained that we were heading to Olive Garden to celebrate and then checking in to skilled nursing.  We went over to eat and when our bill came it was explained to us that our friend had called and covered our bill.  It is times like these when you are just uplifted and inspired by someones thoughtfulness.
We checked in to skilled nursing right after lunch.  It was quite different from rehab.  Instead of being surrounded by others who were of various ages and recovering from various injuries, I was surrounded by lots of old people.  I was out of place big time.  I got a lot of stares and it was quite uncomfortable.  

By this time, my eyes were getting a little better.  I no longer saw a zillion images.  Instead, I would see two images, with the produced image about two feet to the left of the actual image.  Everything on the right side of the room  was shifted to the left.  For example, if I was looking at a wall that had two doors 6 feet away from one another I would see three doors.  I would see a door two feet to the left on the door that was actually on the left.  I would see the door on the left where it actually was.  The door that was six feet to the right of that, ended up right beside the door on the left.

 


My right eye had also turned completely in towards my nose.  My right eye still struggled to move past mid-line but was getting a little bit better tracking at an appropriate speed.  I still had a distorted view of the mid-line of my body.  I would still look at a person from the side and think that my head was straight.  As always, when I had my eye patch on, I could see completely normal.

I was moving well on my own.  My balance was still a bit shaky when challenged, especially when I had to do exercises that involved closing my eyes.  Overall though I was very happy with where I was at PT wise.

My left hand still was weak and struggled to listen.  My thumb, pointer finger, and ring finger had started to fire a bit more on command.  My ring finger and pinky were still stubborn as hell.  I was able to do many more fine motor activities.  I could pick up pretty much anything no matter the size or shape.  Long, skinny, plastic items were still the hardest though.  It became easier to do the little things; pull up my pants, hold a container, etc.

My body was still very stiff and lacking sensation.  I no longer tingled but my extremities still felt wooden.  I still couldn't feel touch or pressure so it was still challenging to complete certain therapy exercises.

On a positive note, I started to feel "Pajamie" kick for the first time!  Pajamie is the nickname my sister-in-law called our unborn baby.  It is Patrick and Jamie combined; like a celebrity nickname. ;-)  We started calling her Pajamie so we wouldn't always have to say "the baby."  It was so comforting to feel her move.  She gave me company and it just filled me with joy.  To me, her movement was a sign that she was growing and she was strong.  During my previous three pregnancies there would be times where I would want the kicking to stop because it would be hard to sleep at times.  Now, I just prayed that she would kick and never stop!  I didn't care if I ever slept.  I wanted her there with me.

Winding Down

This was my last day of OT and PT.  Three weeks in rehab is such a long time but it literally flew. 

Facebook post from Patrick on November 20, 2013

Progress!! Jamie Smith's quote of the day. "Every time you bring out that phone to video me I start messing up, so knock it off"!!  I think some one may be starting to feel better!!! : )

My Personal Roller Coaster Ride

After all the bracelet posts and my time at Covenant winding down my mind was just spinning with millions of things I wanted to say.  There were many thank you's that were overdue.  It is very difficult to extend thank you's in a way that sufficiently describes or conveys how deeply you mean it.  Especially when I was saying them so frequently.

My parents were also struggling with my condition.  Although they never verbally expressed how they felt specifically, I have a pretty good idea of what they were feeling being a parent myself.  They asked every doctor we talked to if, "they gave this to me."  It didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that they were feeling blame and guilt.  They didn't want to be the reason why I was sick.  It hurt and scared them to see me, once so vibrant, active, and athletic, now so weak, fragile, and dependent.  They hurt because they thought I was hurting.  Finally, they wanted me better now.  I was like them in this notion.  The brain heals very slowly and it was hard to be patient.  They weren't with me all day everyday so they we not getting to see all my little improvements.  They just wanted my big ones, like my eyes, to happen and happen now.

So, when I sat down to write my post veered to more of a tribute to them.  I wanted to let them know that I owed my courage and my positivity to them.  I wanted them to know the strength I saw in them and I wanted them to see if for themselves through my words.    

Facebook post from November 19,2013

I have a whole lot of stuff in my head so I apologize if this post seems like it is from left field. Facebook gives me a word limit.

I have two things I absolutely have to say before I forget.
1. I have read every post, tag, message, email, card, and text. I can't respond for many reasons but wish that you could all see my smile, hear my "little giggle" (as Patrick Smith calls it), see my tears, or just feel the warmth in my heart as I read them. Today's outpouring with the bands has just been unreal. I have cried so many happy tears that I may look like I got in a bar fight tomorrow when I wake up. I think the big blues are going to be a bit swollen!

2. I greatly appreciate all of you that have sent me your own stories of struggle and triumph. You make me BELIEVE that it is possible for me to do this. If you could overcome, so can I.  You all may not be as self indulgent as me and post your experience all over Facebook, but I have no doubt that if you were me you would face your struggle head on and take off sprinting. You are all AMAZING people.

When I think about where my courage comes from, it always leads back to my parents. My dad is very quiet, gentle, and easy going. My mother is very independent, driven, and headstrong. I like to think that I am a mix of the both of them. The traits I got from them have created quite the perfect storm to help me deal with all of this.

My dad's favorite advice to me has always been, "just always be nice to people." During my teenage years, this would be his response to any problem I had and it would annoy me so much. Now that I am older I realize that is the best advice I have ever gotten. I have learned that his tone of voice as he said it was really telling me what is was saying. It would either mean, " stop being a B****", "does this really matter?", or "there is more in this life than just you." I always tried my best to be nice to people, but to honor my dad and the kindness you have all shown me, I promise to really take that to the next level the rest of my days. Do better. Be better.

I am not sure where I would be in this journey without my mothers traits. She has unknowingly shown me how to jump over the hurdles, sprint ahead, and win the race. Our family likes to tease us for our stubborn ways, but if I did not have that I stubborn streak in me, I would not be where I am at physically or mentally 3 1/2 weeks later. She has taught me that being a parent means showing my daughters how to live rather than telling them how to live. I hope I am showing my girls the way.

I have had a few people ask why I share on here. After all, normal people would just keep a private journal. I honestly have no idea. The first post initially started as a general thank you and turned in to stuff just coming out of me and telling my brother to just hit post. The second post was a result of people asking for updates. The reaction I got from those two posts changed the game. I began to need your words of encouragement. It was like fuel for me to keep going and motivation for the day to do something that Patrick could post as an improvement. You all will never understand how important you are to me in this journey. You may not feel like it, but from my perspective my recovery has been a team effort.

I am the type of person that loves to fly under the radar. Being the center of attention gives me all sorts of anxiety. It makes me laugh that God would put me in the one position I hate the most but I guess I am going to have to hold on tight and go along on this crazy ride he has planned for me.

The last few weeks can best be described as a roller coaster for me. I started this ride doubtful and only willing to get on because my family was telling me I could. Like on a roller coaster, I went up the first hill and thought, "what did I get myself in to?" Then I went down the hill, around the first few turns, and realized I was scared as hell. Eventually you realize that your actually having fun and you're making it through. Finally, you get to the end totally wind blown and dizzy but filled with adrenaline and a sense of pride that you did it prompting you to love it and want to do it again. I am currently in between the scared as hell and maybe this is ok part of the ride. I definitely will not ever want to do this again, but this special roller coaster has shown me how to love life. I may like it a little more than I am willing to admit.